Yeah I get what you're saying. Like he'll say the chats are brief but when I've seen them they are longer chats than I have with friends
What’s there even to talk about? Have you read the messages?
Nope I haven't read them. He just says its a catch up. He just says I dont trust him, which isn't the case.Like she's text him 3 times in the space of a month, which I know isn't much but it still feels a lot with how quick time goes
It’s a tough position, because while there are people who find that a great friendship comes form an ex relationship, those instances are far and few between. If he wants to catch up, he should offer to do something where you can be invited to join. It’s one thing for them to have that initial “how’s it going” exchange, but after that, you should be included. It speaks huge volumes when he doesn’t put that on the table, or she isn’t interested in you being involved.
It is only texting. But like I can't tell him what to do obviously but at the same time I wouldn't text an ex or if I had an ex as a friend when single I'd probably explain to them that I wouldn't feel its fair on my new partner. I really do feel like texting her and saying how would she like it if she was in my position.There's also the fact that once before me and him got together he did tell me he did still like her... and he pretty much says thats irrelevant now
I completely agree. Have you asked him about instead having an outing with her that you can join? That’s honestly the most respectable thing. It has nothing to do with jealousy, there’s just no need for these private conversations where you don’t know what is being said, and he wants to argue and make you out to be paranoid when you raise a perfectly fair point.
No, cause if im honest I dont want to meet her as I feel like she has just always strung him along, for 4 years she knew he always wanted to get back with her and yet never tried to break that whole connection to let him move on. I've told him not texting her would make me happier but he never seems to want to do that...Its like once i said to him if I asked him to stop talking to her and I was upset about it would he? He said no as its unfair on her...
It wouldn’t be so much about wanting to meet her, but just establishing your position, and also getting a read on where he stands too. Like if he wouldn’t want to do that, I feel like it’s an issue. Especially since you’re saying that there’s potential for them to be more than friends, and he is unwilling to stop texting her. That’s a compromise he should immediately understand your point of view on rather than criticize and become defensive. Regardless, I’d say go with your gut. From an outside perspective, this is suspicious and I completely understand your concern.
Like I really want to trust him with her but given the past and history its difficult for me. If we were out and bumped into her okay have a catch up but you don't need to go out your way to text each other. I haven't had an easy time with his family as his sisters a bitch and before was even trying to get him to dump me... I've put up with all of that and this ex too
That’s definitely a lot of pressure, and you have a right to feel as you do! Has he even tried to make you feel better about these things? Or is it always an argument or his getting defensive?
Usually him getting defensive. When his sister was concerned he wouldn't say shit to her. And like now when I go round his she won't say hello unless I say it first, rest of his family talk to me. And his excuse is cause a guy who used to be my friend I used to like and he says thats the same as him talking to his ex...
A guy you used to have a crush on, compared to a full blown ex, is entirely different, and honestly you should feel offended that he’s even trying to defend his actions and make excuses For why it is ok. I would truly give him an ultimatum. Even though you don’t want to meet her, you should want to see where he stands. Tell him that he should plan something with you both, and if he disagrees, I’d dump him. It may seem like a big step, but that is just such disrespectful behavior. Maybe if he sees that he can lose you, he would straighten up.
I've tried telling him that him talking to her isn't good for our relationship or if he has any other future ones, as I can't think of any girl would like him talking to her? Im not even saying he has to delete her as a friend on Facebook, but at least cut out texting when he knows how it makes me feel? Like I get upset everytime I know they've text, if he was getting upset everytime I text someone or had them text me id stop it (unless it was a work colleague or something like that)
You’re 100% right about any girl not being cool with that, because it’s true! Like I said before, I think there are circumstances where your man can be friends with his ex, but the layout has to be way different. Like a brief, check in conversation where she addresses you (IE, how’s cat doing? Tell her I said hi! Etc). If they want to catch up, it should be an open setting, like let’s go to the bar and grab drinks, I’ll bring Cat, etc. The fact that he is unwilling to involve you and continue their conversations is a huge red flag. There is a huge difference between being insecure/controlling, and mutually respecting the person you are in a relationship with, not even just seeing! It just sounds like he doesn’t consider your feelings at all, and you deserve better than a Situation with all that drama.
Like he told her about me before we were even offical but I can't help but think it was to try and make her jealous and want him? I think I'm only mentioned if he mentions me but not sure how much that is. If I was her I'd stop texting or suggest that we did out of respect for the other person. Like I've even told him in these situations I get very close to ending it with him and that doesn't even make him stop texting her or replying to her if he wants to be technical on who texts who first...
I definitely feel like she should respect your relationship, but it’s really not up to her to do that. She doesn’t have any loyalties to you, so for her, if he’s going to keep texting regularly, then what’s it matter to her, you know? In your case, I’d be fuming at him the most, because he is maintaining their connection in a way that is messed up to you. She’s kind of like his kryptonite, because she can come and go as she pleases and knows that he’ll be there, even with a girlfriend. If I were you, I’d be very offended by this. It’s just not ok.
He doesn't text her first anymore, so he says. Maybe later I'll give him an ultimatum? But then I feel bad and like its unfair on him. When we got together I knew they text a little but he said they were drifting apart so I thought when we got together he might text a little bit in the beginning but after a while their communication would pretty much be non existent, but a year later and they still text.. It feels to me as though he thinks she's the one that got away.
But why would it not be fair to him? I completely understand not wanting to be “controlling” or “not telling him what to do”, but neither of these are the case. Even the most chill person would find his actions inappropriate, especially since he does nothing to ease your mind. You aren’t just a friend with benefits, or someone he is interested in dating. You’re his girlfriend, and when he decided to step into that title with you, he was making a decision to make fair choices with you in mind. If he wants to behave like a single person, or like a guy who can still leave his options open, then he needs to leave you alone. But if he wants to be with you, he has to treat you like his partner and consider your feelings. Maybe the sister thing would take a while to tackle, but the ex should be no sweat.
Hmm yeah, I told him over text earlier that he could prove he loves me by not talking to his ex anymore and he just says oh. Yeah I guess so, what would you do? Like I get it she has bad anxiety and depression but surely she must know other people? Maybe I'm being silly
Hmm, going forward, I wouldn’t text him about that, since it could be interpreted in a way you don’t intend, and even though you are giving him an ultimatum, you don’t want it to seem that way. Because then he would feel like you’re trying to force his hand, and that isn’t exactly your intention. You need to be able to look him in his eyes, and calmly explain to him your perspective, and why what he is doing is rude to your relationship. You are not trying to disregard her mental frame of mind, however, it is not his job to save her, and their 9/10 their discussions are not involving him talking her off the ledge or calming her down from an episode. That is just one of many excuses to demonize you for asking him to cut ties. Again, this is very suspicious of him, to put up all these walls and reasons to keep his ex around in an inappropriate way. Hell, you don’t even have to ask him to drop her entirely, but there is a much better way to go about it, so that you can feel at ease, like making your presence known, and telling you what they talk about.
He says cause she's a friend its unfair to stop him talking to her. I've explained to him at least 5 times how it makes me feel and why I dont like it. How do you give an ultimatum without it seeming like you're forcing him?
You’ve hung out with him and his friends before, right? That is friendship. What he’s doing is secretive and strange, with someone who he has always had a hard time getting over. Id tell him, with all the history they have, how could you simply simply look at her as a friend? Would be genuinely be ok with you keeping in touch with an ex? Texting back and forth, without mention of you or you knowing what the topics are? If he brings up the crush, that is petty and very clearly not the same thing. If he still refuses, then you have some big choices to make. Can you continue with the relationship, knowing that he’s talking to her and won’t stop for you? Could you sit quietly by, without being bothered? If not, then he may not be the one. There just comes a time where you have to love yourself more than him, and know what you are deserving of.
He has and he usually forces me to hand out with his friends as I prefer being just me and him. He said he didn't like my comment about not talking to her as he couldn't talk to a friend. He just doesn't see anything wrong with it and says she's just a friend
If there wasn’t the history that the two of them have, then sure I’d just brush it off as a friend, because I’m a huge fan of picking my battles. But this just isn’t the case. What else are you supposed to think when she’s the girl who could have him if she opened that door? Or you know that she’s the one he can’t get over? It’s heart crushing and You can’t live on the edge in limbo. It just seems like the friend thing is an excuse to keep her around, and it’s not ok at all...
Ask yourself, genuinely, can you let it go? If he is unwilling to cut ties, can you stomach that and move on? If the answer is yes, then there’s nothing to stress about. But if you can’t, then this is something you must make a decision on..
Well I said its as if he values their friendship more than us and he said im the one he's with. And he again said it'd be like asking me to stop talking to that guy I used to have a crush on...Like what do I say? Cause everytime they text i get upset...
If I were you, I’d say that it’s completely different than the guy you had a crush on, because that’s simply what it was. Even if that guy were an ex boyfriend, you know that if your boyfriend asked you not to talk to him because it made you Uncomfortable, that you would do it without question. I’d also raise the fact that he isn’t considering your feelings, and blatantly disregarding the fact that she isn’t just some random friend, like his others, and he should respect you as his girlfriend.
I left the chat we were on as I had nothing else to say. Like he knows this upsets me yet continues to do it
Gosh, I’m sorry it even had go there. I’ve been in your shoes and it’s very rock meets hard place. It definitely doesn’t help that he’s disregarding your feelings. If and when he reaches out, you could try to explain your feelings and point of view. However, he sounds pretty adamant about keeping in touch with her unfortunately..
He just said he compromised cause he only replies when she texts him and he doesn't initiate texts. I did join back on the chat and I'd say he's annoyed. As I can't expect him to stop talking to an old friend
I’d be annoyed if I were you too. At the end of the day though, he’s going to do what he wants, but it’s up to you to decide if you can continue on with it. She’s not an old friend, at least in my eyes, and I think you feel the same, otherwise you wouldn’t even care. I also don’t feel like that is a compromise, it’s just justification for poor behavior, because even that he can limit. Like if she texted him every day, he’d reply because she did it first? Come on.
Yeah exactly. And I find it weird since he's stopped texting first she's been texting him more. Like to ask for help with uni work, and just ask how he is, like if that's all the conversation usually is is asking how the other is whats the point of it?
he's saying I can't make him choose between a friend and his girlfriend. She has even questioned if its appropriate
Of course neither of them see an issue, because they were the two in the relationship and she loves keeping his hopes alive🙄. I didn’t know that she was being vocal about your position. In that case I’d also want to talk to her, but that would put your relationship at stake, which is entirely unreasonable. It’s just so interesting how’s he’s simplifying it to just being friends and like you’re the insecure girlfriend making him choose. You have a right to feel the way you do.
Yeah well they had always stayed friends on the pretence they might get back together some day. What do you mean she's being vocal about my position? Like her asking if it was appropriate would have been his chance to say well Cat doesn't like it that much etc etc
Just you saying that even she’s questioned if it’s appropriate, you mean that she’s questioning if you asking that of him is ok, right? Bc if so, that’s not her position. Even them staying friends just in case they got back together one day, what does that say to you? That is solid proof that she is not only a friend, he has deeper alternate motives, and so does she. You are not a placeholder, or something to do until she decides she wants him back. Because that’s how it genuinely seems, that if she wanted him back, he’d leave you. I just feel like that is so wrong, and I bet money that he sees that and just doesn’t want to let her go. I feel so bummed for you dude, because I’ve been there and it’s just absolutely horrible. Then you’re trying to suppress your feelings on the situation as not to be overreacting, or so you won’t lose him. But he is the one who has something to lose, and I hope you realize that within your worth.
I dont think she knows about me not liking them talking, not sure exactly. He just says he's with me and over her. Like I told him by now most women would have said its me or her and I said in getting close to that. If she had only messaged him like once a month or every couple of months a bit annoying but I might have dealt with it, but 3 times in a month? On top of this he said before he wouldn't message her first but then did, and from then he hasn't as I got annoyed with him, but he then said he'd tell me when she messaged them on the 3rd message he didn't. So I'm not starting to lose a lot of patience with him, and told him I think we should have some space ghis weekend. Thats the thing I have low self-esteem though and anxiety myself
You’re absolutely right, 3x a month is unacceptable. Tbh it’s insane that he doesn’t realize how lucky he is to have someone with your patience, because a lot of women would not tolerate his behavior. It’s ok to feel insecure and stuff, but one thing you should always practice is self love, and demanding the same amount of effort and decision making that you would be willing to give and perform. It’s one thing if you were a hypocrite, and you’re asking him to stop but you wouldn’t do it. You know that you would, so naturally you expect it of him. He needs to be afraid to lose you, but I’m getting the impression that he is not. So I’d leave, and show him that he can’t treat you like this. If he turns it around and stops talking to her, then you’d know that he was all about you. But if not, then it is not a loss.
I dunno. I could to start with I guess tell him to go the rest of the year without talking to her
Like I told him that if our positions were reversed I'd not be talking to my ex still and he just said but id never ask you to stop
But it’s easy for him to say that, because you’d never put him in that position. You’d never begin that kind of correspondence with an ex, for any kind of decision to have to be made.
Yeah. All he keeps saying is that they are just friends. It does also annoy me that he went back twice on things he said he'd do where she's concerned. I'll try saying to him I guess to not talk to her for the rest of the year and see how that goes
You could try that, but honestly, how much good would that do? We’re almost halfway through November, then that would leave one more month. Your concern should be that this will pose as a long term issue, because you don’t want to have to keep fighting him on the situation. I understand that you’re trying to find some sort of resolution, but unless he agrees to cut contact for good, or to involve you (which you don’t wanna do, and that’s fine), then you’ll have to face the bigger decisions, and that’s if you can handle her always being around.
They don't even meet up so I don't get why he cares so much about continuing to text her. I just told him that I can't guarantee I'll stay in it for the long haul if she's around. And he just says okay
I think they continue because they’re each others back up plan. If things don’t work with whoever else in the end, they’ll choose each other. Even the fact that he’s “okay” with you saying you may not stick around for the long haul because of her should just be like a slap in the face to you😕
Yeah and he just keeps saying he loves me and its me he wants
It’d be nice if he could stop acting as otherwise then, because his actions when it comes to her are looking very opposite and disrespectful..
Yeah, I told him its probably best if we have a bit of space this weekend
Also I said to him that him wanting to get back with her for 4 years doesn't just go away, and he said no it doesn't but being with me helps, which to me sounds like im just a distraction
I agree! That’s what I was saying before, not with the word distraction, but place holder. For him to say this, it’s basically saying that he still has feelings for her, she is not simply a friend. How does he not realize how hurtful and incriminating their friendship is? And why is he fighting so hard to hold on?
I’d honestly dump him right on his ass after that. It’s just so insulting and messed up to you.
He just keeps saying they are friends. They have been friends for a while and I can't expect him to choose between us. And that I should trust him when he says they are just friends.
How do you feel about that? Like do you genuinely accept it, or feel like it’s a front? No judgement of course, I’m just curious where you stand with this reasoning of his...
I get to him it seems unfair to choose between a friend and me. But to me its unfair on me being upset by it everytime she texts
At the same time though, it’s not like you’re asking him to stop texting one of his guy friends, or even a female friend that he’s never dated. She is an ex, one with a lot of history, 4 years of it. She’s also someone that he’s said he still has feelings for, but you are helping him get over it. Why does he not acknowledge that truth, and understand your perspective? I guess at the end of the day though, you have to do what works best for you, and if you can accept his logic and reasoning, then that what matters the most.
Yeah he's just said that would I think its unfair me asking him to stop texting one of his male friends and I said yes, and he said she's no different except that she's an ex. Can i dm you?
That’s ridiculous😓 and sure! My username is hollyk21
Or you dm me might be easier. He's also starting to get snappy
I've even tried to go for the compromise of them not texting for the rest of the year and he dont like that either
It looks like I have a message but for some reason it’s not showing me anything there😕
Hmm strange ill try to send it again
We have already said that we love each other. Wouldn't it be a bit stupid to keep doing it when he knows I'm getting really fed up with it now?
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