Is there any hope?

Question

I’ll try and make it brief. We dated for a year and lived together on and off during this time. It was mostly amazing. Extremely passionate and everyday felt like we were just meeting.

There were some communication issues in that he’d shut down and get mad and I’d leave and go to my place. It happened every time we had a minor disagreement. Both of us are incredibly prideful and stubborn, so neither of us would cave and reach out for upwards of a week and have 0 communication during that time.

Fast forward, I left 11 days ago and he is adamant it’s over. I wound up spending the night with him a few nights ago and he told me he’d already met someone. He was visibly upset about us ending things, but said he didn’t want to take me back losing this potential new woman and then us just falling back into the same patterns.

It’s been a few days since our “sleepover” and he’s texted once to see if I’d gotten any sleep and last night he sent me 2 songs about regret. I’m not sure what’s going on his head, but I know he spent the night with his new person. I haven’t responded to his text because I just don’t know what to say. Should I pick up and move on?

Updates:

1 y

One thing I should add is that we both have come out of long term marriages. I’ve just started counseling to figure out why I’ve been running. It’s never been an issue before him. Also, we are dealing with emotions that we haven’t felt or had in years.

Answer 1

SueShe | 2.2K opinions shared on Dating topic.

Influencer

You say it yourself. Whatever you do, the old same pattern will always be the one thing that will keep you apart.

Both of you are so stubborn and don't want to give in because of your pride and because nobody wants to admit in front of the other that he/she is wrong. This type of relation is bound to fail. Guaranteed.

As long as none of you meet in the middle, all will always remain the same. Even if you decide to change, this option is no guarantee for success. I see it like new year's resolutions. They are fine the first few days and then, they slowly are sent to oblivion.

Be the wise one and terminate this relation while you still can. You will never achieve anything by pretending that all will be okay. Both of you are too old (age group 36-45) to adapt your mentality. This is something that has a chance when you are a child, perhaps a pre-teen but not with so much life experience as you do.

Do yourself a favor and stop believing that something will change. It will never. Guaranteed.

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Asker

1 y
Thanks for your reply! I strongly disagree with your last sentiments. People can and do change... Matter of fact, it’s done daily. If there’s a want and will, it’ll happen. I don’t mean my response to sound harsh, please don’t take offense.
SueShe

1 y
Oh, I am not offended. Thanks for your opinion. I sincerely hope you are correct and that a change will happen. Good luck.

Answer 2

Asker

Thanks for your reply! I strongly disagree with your last sentiments. People can and do change... Matter of fact, it’s done daily. If there’s a want and will, it’ll happen. I don’t mean my response to sound harsh, please don’t take offense.

Answer 3

SueShe

Oh, I am not offended. Thanks for your opinion. I sincerely hope you are correct and that a change will happen. Good luck.

Answer 4

Imcmullan | 115 opinions shared on Dating topic.

Explorer

Ughhh... tour post hits home for me bc I've been in a similar situation. Ok, if he already got a new girl, that has to hurt n im sorry. Tbh, I think she was always waiting in the wings n thats why when you guys argue he doesn't reach out.. bc she was always a rebound for him. Even if that wasn't the case, 1week is fast to have found someone n say you're moving on. The back and forth is NOT HEALTHY.. TRUST ME, I've BEEN THERE. Someone has to make the decision that you just aren't gonna break up everytime u have a fight anymore. One of you have to learn that being this stubborn is silly.. love makes us weak-except the weakness if its with the right person. Now , you have to ask yourself, do u actually want to be with him.. are you Reeeeeallly in love with him or just the idea of being in love with him? If he's sending you songs, his heart is still with you n you can just tell him "no, leave that girl.. I want you back. "
I was out of my old relationship for 2 years before I found someone I wanted to be serious with nnnow we are married however before the marriage, I would break up with my spouse a million times a week lol... then we decided no, this isn't gonna work if we don't change ourselves a little.. my point is , if you truly really want this.. like you love him so much that you need him then go to his home, knock on the door n tell him, "were gonna work on us."

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Asker

1 y
Your reply is more relatable to our situation. When I say we are amazing 90% of the time, I’m not kidding. We do everything together, he sends flowers once a week and appreciates the little things I do. But, that 10% is hell. When I spent Wednesday and Thursday with him he told me all about what he’d been up to and showed me all the texts with the new girl. No, I didn’t read them- I couldn’t. But, he started talking to her 5 days after we broke up and I’m positive of that.
When we’ve had radio silence in the past we have blocked or removed each other from social media. We inadvertently would post about our relationship or feelings without posting to each other- does that make sense? My heart is aching like it did as a young girl, I’ll get through it. I’ve asked him not to message me and his only response was “I can’t.”

I’m glad you and your spouse were able to make the changes to have a meaningful relationship. I didn’t realize how much damage I caused by leaving.
Imcmullan

1 y
So, if you don't want hum to contact you, do you not even want him? Bc it sounds like to me, you guys are great together n his heart is still with you. Stop being stubborn... don't move on. If 90%of the time you guys are great then you guys are being petty as hell. You can either go get your man back or let him slip away. N I saw you hadn't dated in years... its hard to get back out there but girl, let me tell you.. the inventory is low out there lol.. times have changed n people have changed.. if you've found something good n you actually want it... go after him!!
Asker

1 y
Stop speaking to me as if you know me! Lol
It’s hard to share the whole picture and I’ve left a lot out. When we last got together we talked about staying in touch and I told him it might be hard for me knowing he was on a date. He told me to let him know how I was feeling the next day which is why I asked him not to text for a while. I cried and asked to try again and he just kept saying he’s so tired of all the emotions are arguing brings. So, I can’t just go get my man. I’m trying to stay busy and keep my spirits high- it’s difficult when he’s sending me songs. I think we need some time away to reflect and decide what we want to do. I do love him very much and he me. I have no doubt of that.

I had some man texting me last night pushing me to go out and meet him at midnight. I finally stopped responding and he called me all sorts of names. If this is what’s out there, I’m gonna be celibate. 😁
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Imcmullan

1 y
Yes! Thats an example of whats out there lol. I understand your reluctance completely... I just hateeee that feeling of my heart hurting bc im missing someone. The arguing and breaking up can be daunting however thats what comes with a passions relationship... im afro-latina.. and us Latin women, are coco locos lol so u have to be ready for the Rollercoaster is your gonna be with us 😆. If he is gonna keep sending you text, he's confusing you.. so you need to tell him , shit or get off the pot. That isn't fair to you. Lol you're very easy going it seems bc me, I'd be like , " papi, I don't want to break up.. leave that girl... i don't except it.. its really simple." Lol.. it works hahaha especially when you say it like you mean it and then snuggle next to them... hahaha.. a little crazy mixed with a little passion and a lot of love is what a relationship is about lol. Use your charm orrrr just give yourself a break and "eat, pray, love yourself" for a while...

Answer 5

Asker

Your reply is more relatable to our situation. When I say we are amazing 90% of the time, I’m not kidding. We do everything together, he sends flowers once a week and appreciates the little things I do. But, that 10% is hell. When I spent Wednesday and Thursday with him he told me all about what he’d been up to and showed me all the texts with the new girl. No, I didn’t read them- I couldn’t. But, he started talking to her 5 days after we broke up and I’m positive of that.
When we’ve had radio silence in the past we have blocked or removed each other from social media. We inadvertently would post about our relationship or feelings without posting to each other- does that make sense? My heart is aching like it did as a young girl, I’ll get through it. I’ve asked him not to message me and his only response was “I can’t.”

I’m glad you and your spouse were able to make the changes to have a meaningful relationship. I didn’t realize how much damage I caused by leaving.

Answer 6

Imcmullan

So, if you don't want hum to contact you, do you not even want him? Bc it sounds like to me, you guys are great together n his heart is still with you. Stop being stubborn... don't move on. If 90%of the time you guys are great then you guys are being petty as hell. You can either go get your man back or let him slip away. N I saw you hadn't dated in years... its hard to get back out there but girl, let me tell you.. the inventory is low out there lol.. times have changed n people have changed.. if you've found something good n you actually want it... go after him!!

Answer 7

Asker

Stop speaking to me as if you know me! Lol
It’s hard to share the whole picture and I’ve left a lot out. When we last got together we talked about staying in touch and I told him it might be hard for me knowing he was on a date. He told me to let him know how I was feeling the next day which is why I asked him not to text for a while. I cried and asked to try again and he just kept saying he’s so tired of all the emotions are arguing brings. So, I can’t just go get my man. I’m trying to stay busy and keep my spirits high- it’s difficult when he’s sending me songs. I think we need some time away to reflect and decide what we want to do. I do love him very much and he me. I have no doubt of that.

I had some man texting me last night pushing me to go out and meet him at midnight. I finally stopped responding and he called me all sorts of names. If this is what’s out there, I’m gonna be celibate. 😁

Answer 8

Imcmullan

Yes! Thats an example of whats out there lol. I understand your reluctance completely... I just hateeee that feeling of my heart hurting bc im missing someone. The arguing and breaking up can be daunting however thats what comes with a passions relationship... im afro-latina.. and us Latin women, are coco locos lol so u have to be ready for the Rollercoaster is your gonna be with us 😆. If he is gonna keep sending you text, he's confusing you.. so you need to tell him , shit or get off the pot. That isn't fair to you. Lol you're very easy going it seems bc me, I'd be like , " papi, I don't want to break up.. leave that girl... i don't except it.. its really simple." Lol.. it works hahaha especially when you say it like you mean it and then snuggle next to them... hahaha.. a little crazy mixed with a little passion and a lot of love is what a relationship is about lol. Use your charm orrrr just give yourself a break and "eat, pray, love yourself" for a while...

Answer 9

Emanon_18

Xper 6

Make it clear with him, on and off relationship is not a normal life, if it doesn’t work find someone else

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2 People

Answer 10

Avicenna | 11.5K opinions shared on Dating topic.

Master

Yeah, Unfortunately, you will have to move on.

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Asker

1 y
Yeah, I suppose I already knew that. The counselor recommended a few sessions to get to the root of the issue, but says there is a lot of promise between my ex and I. Dating for the first time in 24 years is hard! Thanks for the input!

Answer 11

Asker

Yeah, I suppose I already knew that. The counselor recommended a few sessions to get to the root of the issue, but says there is a lot of promise between my ex and I. Dating for the first time in 24 years is hard! Thanks for the input!

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