I love her but she has some serious problems. What should I do?

This girl has been my best friend for years. We've always called ourselves best friends but I know for a fact that in addition to trusting each other implicitly we both are extremely attracted to each other. There have been several occasions where had I chosen to not be a decent person we would have hooked up by now. Thing is, I should never have had those opportunities, nor should several other people.

It really started after her grandma died. That night she got blackout drunk, grabbed onto me, started crying, and didn't let go of me the entire night, even following me into my bed and cuddling with me, holding my hand and trying to get me to do more than hold her. When she woke up in my bed with no recollection of what had happened she got extremely embarrassed and avoided me like the plague for a while, which was probably the worst thing she could have done to herself.

She got extremely drunk a few weeks later and woke up in another guy's bed in another STATE. The guy was a decent guy thank god and realized she was extremely troubled, nothing had happened, but because he was so nice my friend fell for him for a time and was really hurt that he didn't want to continue things.

So she started drinking heavily again. By now we were hanging out again, but she kept getting trashed at this one bar, and for a while I couldn't figure out why. She never did anything outrageous when I was there with her, but it turned out she hooked up with the OWNER a few weeks later. She evidently had the hots for him too, and she hooked up with him several times. Up until I started going with her every time. Even though she had told the owner she had no boyfriend the guy didn't believe her after he saw her hanging around me, especially after she got trashed and tried to hook up with me again.

I tried talking to her about it last week. She'd been in a good mood, sober, and I felt terrible for bringing it up then, because her good mood just died. She admitted things weren't right, her life was 'pathetic' right now, she babbled something about not having time to date anyone seriously (the same thing she said when I asked her out 2 years ago) but then followed that with saying she doesn't know what she'd do without me. After holding her outside her apartment for a good 20 minutes I didn't know what else to do so I kissed her. Thing is though...

I don't want to get involved with her when she's like this. I've loved her for years and it hurts to see her like this, but I don't know what to do for her anymore. Would being a stable fixture like a boyfriend actually help?


Have an opinion?

What Girls Said 1

  • She needs to keep you as a friend. If she tries to take it further, which she might, just make it clear that you think she is hot and you want her, but that right now you just want to do everything you can to build her up, and that right now that means just staying as friends.

    She will probably try to rationalize with you why you should both be together and why she is a good person to date. Emotionally she HAS to do this because she needs to feel in control of her own life, and if she specifically can't have you, then she will do everything she can to reassert her control. Don't fall for it. She can only be good to you and to herself for short periods for right now.

    It is important not to bruise her emotionally anymore than she already is by pushing her away. But at the same time, what she needs is a friend. If you two start dating it will be hell for both of you because she is just too much of a mess. You might have to see her fall apart quite a bit before she gets tired of being self destructive and decides to pull herself together.

    Eventually you will see her turn herself around. When this happens, she will probably try to date you again. This time, she'll be ready to treat you right.


What Guys Said 1

  • read the story "lets just be friends" in my profile, it's written by a woman for guys like you

    • Haha I did, and honestly I feel like that sometimes. But then I remember I already turned her down once and basically did the same thing to her, I dated an absolute b*tch of a girl for 2 years coming to her for support, eventually finding out she was cheating on me the entire time. THAT was when my best friend had her massive crush on me, but I had no idea. Not til this sh*t started happening.

    • the is not going to stop, ask yourself if this is the kind of woman you want to spend the rest of your life with, or have your kids with, hell, I wouldn't even want to be around her that long

    • She'd never hooked up with a guy before this. She had never gotten blackout drunk until this last year. I've known her for 5 years and this ISN'T who she is, she is an emotional wreck right now. If I don't get some kind of response out of her I'm not going to wait around forever, I know others are interested in me and because I do agree with your story. But I can't abandon her now, not after all she's done for me.

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