Help! Struggling with virginity, faith and family 🧕🏾?

Question

I'm 22 almost 23 yr old virgin, im struggling with the morality involved in it and body issues that come from leaving a strict faith (islam) I am now an atheist. i spent the majority of my life very covered up even if i dont think I'm bad looking i still have PTSD from it because ultimately my life decision will make my family and everyone turn against me and that is something that has made it hard to move on from since 17. I tried being a bit outlandish (3 times wearing hijab covered up but makeup and 1 time letting my hair out) not going all the way but each time the amount of male attention I got really overwhelmed me and scared me off, I live in the west but grew up in a very religious community does anyone have any advice i don't want to be disowned, i love my family but also want to comfortably live life and possibly marry an atheist in the future if anything and not forced to be with a muslim man?

Answer 1

btbc92 | 4.5K opinions shared on Dating topic.

Master

KEEP yourself until marriage, but don't just marry any guy. If your family disown you then they do. But keep your virginity and marry somebody who also loves you and wants to make sure your wellbeing is important. There is nothing wrong with covering up. But a man needs to respect you, PERIOD. Be it if your covered or not. As a Christian I understand your fear with that because it's sad that men sleep around, nothing happens mostly, if you are forced to marry who you are arranged to be married to, you not only not know how he is going to treat you, but you don't know where he's been. Men sadly today don't respect women anymore. Most just want to sleep with you anyway. So your PSTD is less to do with you being Muslim. But the sad reality of this world and the horrendous acts Islam imposes on women and their people.

What you need to understand is this:

1. Men will lust, look, may want to rape you, or whatever they want.
2. Respectful men don't DO THAT.
3. They respect your upbringing and don't expect you to change just to fit into the secular world.
4. You may not please your family with what you want. But you have to decide how much they mean to you and your life. But they cannot control your life either.
5. Morality is there because it's part of guidelines for any and all to follow. I don't show myself out there like that because of similar issues with the men. Understand it's the MEN you have to be concerned about. Because men are men. They don't care. They see you, they think about sleeping with you because of your attractive physically and sexually. That's it. To uncover.

A respectful man again doesn't do that. But you should like dressing up with a hijab with what is comfortable for you, and when you want your hair out you do so on some days that are comfortable but ignore people and creeps. They will stare regardless, so I just ignore them.

spitifrex

10 d
This is a bit off topic. but i must strongly disagree with your statement "Men sadly today don't respect women anymore" This is a pure generalisation and does not at all apply to MEN in general. Even though you state respectable men don't indulge in the negative remarks, it is still a verry black and white picture.
That said there are indeed men that act exactly like you describe. (unfortunately).
btbc92

10 d
Any good man of war will not be upset over what I had to say. They know it doesn't apply to them. It is black and white. You either somebody who is of moral character or you're not. Is not for you to disagree with if you're not one of those men. Just like if people want to say about a lot of women behave a certain way I'm not going to get upset. Because as long as it don't apply to me then there's nothing for me to say.
spitifrex

10 d
Not upset at all. I just disagree with the statement that generalises men. I am in no way "one of those men".
Show All Show Less
btbc92

10 d
@spitifrex If your not one of those men, it doesn't apply to you. Nothing to disagree with. Because I promise you. The generalization is real. And I can add 99 more. That is just a basic list she needs to know. Because I am not listing a whole novel unless she asks.
btbc92

10 d
It's up to Asker what she wants. She says one thing but desires another. She needs to figure that out. But if she doesn't and rush into this, she'll God forbid make the same mistakes my friends made because they wanted to so badly with exes. She needs to be with men with like-mindedness and somebody who will cherish, love, and take care of her the way she needs. Lose your virginity ONCE, for a woman it's hard to reclaim that innocence and purity again. Somethin the majority of you lack concerning sexual purity. It's not just your body, it's your mind also. She feels left out and is caving into society's pressures of the longer you're a virgin, the less likely men want you. That's societies stigma of virgins like me. But I know what is right because it's how God commanded me to follow. Either she wants the best of the best or she'll settle for less and regret it. It's again, up to her. I know to wait that's why I am near 30 and a virgin. Until she learns to love how God made her. Until she learns more about herself and her identity as a person, the men will see that and manipulate her to bed. You in Belgium. You are not in the USA. You know nothing about how USA men work. And no doubt she lives in America like most of us on this site. I do not know how Belgium men are. But I won't be shocked if you have your own ways of the same thing I am saying. You men over there may not be as direct, but the mentality and attitudes can still be the same. The same with Japanese. They're not direct as Americans, but even the men have the same mindset, they just play the long game. Americans have a short attention span. Still the same mentality.
btbc92

10 d
God will honor and protect her when she walks the straight and narrow. Many blessings come forth. I have seen it with those around me and even for myself. It is his pleasure to give that to her if she truly desires a Godly man. But she is still young and needs to work on herself and faith more. Not in Islam, definitely. But having a relationship with God that she needs to have for herself. Salvation is for all who seek him. Men who don't struggle with lust won't make her uncomfortable. But a lot of men lust, and she does need to protect herself as I do as a believer myself. People will notice you, but if you don't want to uncover anything NOBODY has the right to judge or force you to do something you don't want. People mocked me for covering myself. Guess what? I ignored them. As long as I am happy and feel safe it's no one's personal business. No woman should feel uneasy about a man, but if men won't respect her, it won't matter if she's covered or not. She needs to learn this for herself by being with the right people who can show her what to accept and not accept in her life. If people stop judging by learning to mind their business, people like the Asker wouldn't feel too body-conscious. Her body is hers. It's no one's job to discuss how good or bad it is or looks.
btbc92

10 d
The list is personally for her. It is not for other women because other women's energy, experiences, personality, etc is not the same. Some women like myself who is sensitive or targets for such men, no matter what we do. Sometimes, you born a target. And we need to be extra careful who we allow in our lives. Every woman is not a target. Women who aren't willing participants in anything is always a target.
spitifrex

10 d
Well reading your last three posts we are not far off here in belgium. We also have religious families forcing their children. Seen it happen once to one of my female classmates back in elementary, unfortunately it is safe to say i've never seen nor heard from her again.(Also islamic) That day defined my choice for atheism and nearly dispise religion. Thankfully you gain perspective and learn it's the people and not the religion itself that are the issue.

We also have the type of men you describe here, and the amount is rising at an alarming rate in my opinion. Same can apply towomen tough.

The younger society tends to belittle virginity more than the more mature people. At least in my experience, like you I'm approaching my thirties and am still a virgin, and there is no shame in it. It feels like some women see it as an achievement to not be a virgin. And will expect a guy to not be one either. As i quote litterally "I'm not going to educate him on how it's done, what do you think i am" (not directed at me) Let's just say I was surprised by the remark.
spitifrex

10 d
Also I still can't fathom how US society is always capable of the extremes, feels like a trend throughout history. where for some reason everyting has to be hugely over exagerated. US values are rubbing of on Europe. Which is not at all a good thing.

And finaly to your third response. People that stand out or that are different are always the target. I've been at the receiving end of that kind of attention aswel, thats is unfortunately just how society works below 25yrs old and in some cases even above.

Evethough I will never be able to imagine what the askers situation is like fully.(Me being a man and non islamic descendant) I'd say she need to find support with friends and those of the family the support her choice. Those that don't... well no matter how difficult should not be allowed to influence her in any way what soever.

From what I understand the asker writes, I feel she has a pretty good idea on where she wishes to go but lacks the support of many , up untill now, valued people surrounding her.
I sadening.😔
btbc92

10 d
@spitifrex

"People that stand out or that are different are always the target." TRUE to some degree. It's about your spirit, soul, and energy. Not because you stand out per se. I have Christain friends who are very receptive to other people than I am. I'm an INFJ, and also have other INFJ friends. They are also receptive to other people than me. People in general just don't like you or your just too different no matter what you do. Just like there are women who cover up and receive attention and normalcy. Where a hijab and don't have what the Asker is going through. It has nothing to do with what you're saying about religion. But the PERSON. If a woman is extremely attractive physically, or with her covering up, it entices men to lust. I know and heard stories of women from Islamic countries from stories my dad heard from his coworkers. The women are often innocent like the answer and some even try to get them to have sex. They find them exotic and sensual. That's why. The men don't care about women. They want to control the women and to fulfill their sexual gratifications. That is what I am warning her about. The men especially here in the US, many of them supposedly professing Muslim sleep around. It's a double standard. I know even more because one of my friend's ex WAS Muslim and he married a so-called White girl. Not who he was betrothed to from his family's village. The type of men going after most Muslim girls is typical, not to sound racist, white men who usually just see a woman to screw. That's it. They don't care for her beliefs or religion. Just that she doesn't force it on him, he wants sex and that's it. But usually doesn't marry unless she gives up her religion or believes as you sadly did. But that was your choice.
btbc92

10 d
Her choice has nothing to do with religion but that she doesn't love herself. When a woman is like that, religion have nothing to do with how she feels. But wanting and desiring to do the right thing by everybody but not forsake yourself and identity either. I know because I am the same way. I know my faith in God. But the world shames anybody who is 'religious' and is seen as a threat or enemy. If you refuse to be like the world, then they rather see you dead. Simple as that. But be like the world, now all of a sudden your their friends and 'one of us'. I saw both sides of the coin when I wasn't in church for years since my childhood. People only love you when they want something from you. But real family, and friends, and people who love you respect your choices. Many of my friends aren't Christians or believers in God, they loved me and never tried to change me or my beliefs. So it says a lot right there about people.

Asker has an identity problem. She doesn't know who she is. Both in Islam and to the world and to her family, her friends, and herself. She doesn't know herself. And it can sadly make you want to commit suicide. Because if both Islam and the world hate her, then what's the purpose of living? She has to know herself and find her purpose. Before she loses herself. The word of God says this in Matt 16:26 "For what profits a man if he gains the whole world but loses his own soul”. Is she going to lose her soul over the world? That's my question.
btbc92

10 d
Women coming from Islamic countries to America*
btbc92

10 d
She wants to be LIKE the world and feels trapped. That is what she is really struggling with. Doesn't want to deal with rules, but to be like the world. To have sex with judgment, but is scared of dealing with other women and girls who have premarital sex deal with. Which is a guy using her than leave her. It's more than just getting pregnant or STDs. It's the ability to have and form a stable relationship. She wants it all but feels her religion prevents her to and that is not really true. She is just tired of waiting and saving herself. She feels repressed sexually but she isn't. She just needs to learn to have better discipline and control and learn to form healthier relationships with men, but NOT with the WRONG MEN. Who will naturally gravitate to her sexually. The problem is this. If she marries an atheist guy, he won't respect her or her family. She is just sacred. She doesn't know what type of man is right for her because she doesn't want to marry a Muslim man because again, as I told you BEFORE. The men are hypocrites. Not all. But 98% of them ARE. And while women are the only ones expected to be virgins or else they get killed in some radical places. Some women and girls aren't virgins they find atheist men to sleep with and then try to cover up their virginities. It goes far worse than that. Most good Muslim men want to be with a Muslim woman or women of similar faiths like Jews and also Christians who value similar standards and principles. You have to understand how serious this goes. That's why I am telling her to please KEEP herself. Because if she doesn't, and she goes out there, forget the parents. What's going to happen when marriage to an atheist or atheist life isn't working for her because of what she grew up with? She has a choice to not be Muslim and renounce her religion and live like a worldly woman and be miserable or forced to marry a Muslim man and may BE miserable. She may not.
btbc92

10 d
But I don't blame her for not at least marrying another Muslim because again, they sleep around and you don't know what STD somebody may be carrying into a marriage. God forbid she gets infected they'll blame her. She becomes infertile because of him. They'll still blame her. Get it? So think wisely before you say you disagree with me and educate yourself no offense. She just needs stability, respect, and love from her family. But sadly her family isn't offering that. She still needs to honor God. She is free to marry who she wants, but she still needs to save herself for marriage and make sure this man is going to honor her, God, and her family. That is the most important if a sexual relationship and union are what she wants. But she claims she's an atheist. She's not. Because she is Muslim at heart. If she didn't care as an atheist, she wouldn't even care about what her family thinks and do what she wants. That's not the case. She is still Muslim, but she only claims she's like you because she doesn't like how her religion treated her. That's all. They're never stable when they're like that and religion has 0 to do with it because they're just not stable as people. How do I know? Been out of church since 8. You tend to know these things about people. God is real. God is very serious about us and loves us. But he didn't call for religion. But will use religion to gather people together back to him. Her family is the problem. Not Islam per se by itself. We know what hypocrisy it's about. But still, respect people who believe in it. She wants to basically sexualize herself. That's all. This has nothing to do with finding a husband.
btbc92

10 d
Christians too sadly when we backslide end up in that same trap and most eventually come back to serve God wholly and fully. When we're young it's not uncommon for some people in highly strict environments (something that God didn't call for) to want to let loose and go wild. They just go wild. It's a phase their Asker is going through. And it's a dangerous one. It's like a person wanting to smoke and drink, if they lack self-control they become addicts and addicted to their fix. For her, sex is the fix she wants until all of that energy burns out. All it takes is one guy for her to sleep with and he leaves watch how quick she'll wish she kept her virginity and listened. That's how my friends regretted their sexual choices because they didn't wait at the Askers age range. Again you see this with girls of any background, religion isn't always the reason. If they wanted to do it, that was always in them to do it. The lies she believing is that if she isn't religious she'll have greater success in life and love. That isn't how life works. And she'll sadly learn that the hard way.
btbc92

10 d
When girls and young women are desperate like that, they vulnerable, and bad men will take advantage of that. She's at that rebellious phase, out of personal choice, I'll say because I never went through that nor would I ever do so, but she is still Muslim. Don't let that full you. She wants to be like other girls and young women and do what SHE wants without anyone telling her what to do. But even life has rules she has to follow. She needs to mature and grow up because mentally she's still a child. And this is no offense to her, but she is so fragile but demanding that it's leaving her miserable because of how her family raised her. Her description tells it all. But she shouldn't lie and say she's atheist when she's not. She's really Agnostic. She can't have it both ways. And sadly she is playing dangerous games with her life, family, and sadly even with God. Only God can help her and she needs to turn to God for help with her whole heart and stop fooling around with life.
Asker

10 d
@btbc92 I'd like to thank you for giving me some perspective and for your time of day. a lot of what you mentioned encompasses what I think of every now and then. Id like to add I was never entirely unhappy growing up a muslim, I loved my friends, my family and I was the best in my community at memorising scripture but like all children the circumstances you are born into race, birth place, raised, religion, rich, poor is not a choice and this is something I must stress so when all of us gain cognition which for me was when I became 17 we start to really think for ourself as we come into adulthood, this is my struggle because here I am my whole heritage is muslim it was passed down to me and im growing up in the west (uk) when I saw the world properly at this age i felt terrible seeing how muslim world has fallen and then running to my god for solace
Asker

10 d
i did not find what I was looking for, when I looked for my god for why I covered from head to toe he said it was because of men, when I asked my god why can a muslim man have 4 wives he told me I cannot complain or I won't see paradise and no one can get my consent. Im an intp, you seem familiar with mbti :) but this is just scrapping the surface of the digging i did on my own for my answers to life I've been blessed that my family stressed my religious education so I could read and understand scripture, if anything what shocked me more is when I looked outside my window and the western world is decending into another kind depth of shallowness that doesn't seem any better. Sometimes I wonder if we could see how insignificant we look from space, the wars, the racism I did not ask to be part of the worlds mostly terrible history and before any of these labels that was put on me I am human and im trying to come terms with reality like all of us. My love for my family transcends religion becoming an atheist doesn't suddenly make me heartless and devoid of human emotions, the people who raise you even with there problems you will always hold a place in your heart for them and this is my struggle im not so selfish to charge head on with my thoughts I'm very conscious of how my actions/ thoughts will hurt those i love, id say out of all my family I get along the most with all of them this is me knowing things will not be the same when they know I used my own mind to believe that their god wasn't the answer. I am a very deep thinker but also compassionate and ideally I want the truth were ever its hiding.
btbc92

10 d
Turn to God. What you're hearing from is not God. It's something else that is demonic. God will never tell you something like that. First of all the word of God makes it very clear that man can only have one woman , and women can only have one man. You cover your head because your head over all is supposed to be a covering over you, especially our hair because our hair is our covering and it's a woman's Glory. You especially cover yourself when you're praying would you use a prayer shawl for. Other than that, if you don't want to always constantly keep your head covered, like I said there are days where you want to be covered you cover yourself. And days you don't feel like it per se, you don't have to do that. But I will tell you this who have a lot of Muslim friends. Please don't do what you say you're doing. You want to serve God turn to God of Abraham Isaac and Jacob. Because sadly what a lot of people that are Muslim don't realize is that in Islam y'all serve many gods. And it's not the same god that Christians serve. But that doesn't mean that they aren't true believers in Islam that really do believe in God. But Allah and God is not the same person.

Answer 2

spitifrex

This is a bit off topic. but i must strongly disagree with your statement "Men sadly today don't respect women anymore" This is a pure generalisation and does not at all apply to MEN in general. Even though you state respectable men don't indulge in the negative remarks, it is still a verry black and white picture.
That said there are indeed men that act exactly like you describe. (unfortunately).

Answer 3

btbc92

Any good man of war will not be upset over what I had to say. They know it doesn't apply to them. It is black and white. You either somebody who is of moral character or you're not. Is not for you to disagree with if you're not one of those men. Just like if people want to say about a lot of women behave a certain way I'm not going to get upset. Because as long as it don't apply to me then there's nothing for me to say.

Answer 4

spitifrex

Not upset at all. I just disagree with the statement that generalises men. I am in no way "one of those men".

Answer 5

btbc92

@spitifrex If your not one of those men, it doesn't apply to you. Nothing to disagree with. Because I promise you. The generalization is real. And I can add 99 more. That is just a basic list she needs to know. Because I am not listing a whole novel unless she asks.

Answer 6

btbc92

It's up to Asker what she wants. She says one thing but desires another. She needs to figure that out. But if she doesn't and rush into this, she'll God forbid make the same mistakes my friends made because they wanted to so badly with exes. She needs to be with men with like-mindedness and somebody who will cherish, love, and take care of her the way she needs. Lose your virginity ONCE, for a woman it's hard to reclaim that innocence and purity again. Somethin the majority of you lack concerning sexual purity. It's not just your body, it's your mind also. She feels left out and is caving into society's pressures of the longer you're a virgin, the less likely men want you. That's societies stigma of virgins like me. But I know what is right because it's how God commanded me to follow. Either she wants the best of the best or she'll settle for less and regret it. It's again, up to her. I know to wait that's why I am near 30 and a virgin. Until she learns to love how God made her. Until she learns more about herself and her identity as a person, the men will see that and manipulate her to bed. You in Belgium. You are not in the USA. You know nothing about how USA men work. And no doubt she lives in America like most of us on this site. I do not know how Belgium men are. But I won't be shocked if you have your own ways of the same thing I am saying. You men over there may not be as direct, but the mentality and attitudes can still be the same. The same with Japanese. They're not direct as Americans, but even the men have the same mindset, they just play the long game. Americans have a short attention span. Still the same mentality.

Answer 7

btbc92

God will honor and protect her when she walks the straight and narrow. Many blessings come forth. I have seen it with those around me and even for myself. It is his pleasure to give that to her if she truly desires a Godly man. But she is still young and needs to work on herself and faith more. Not in Islam, definitely. But having a relationship with God that she needs to have for herself. Salvation is for all who seek him. Men who don't struggle with lust won't make her uncomfortable. But a lot of men lust, and she does need to protect herself as I do as a believer myself. People will notice you, but if you don't want to uncover anything NOBODY has the right to judge or force you to do something you don't want. People mocked me for covering myself. Guess what? I ignored them. As long as I am happy and feel safe it's no one's personal business. No woman should feel uneasy about a man, but if men won't respect her, it won't matter if she's covered or not. She needs to learn this for herself by being with the right people who can show her what to accept and not accept in her life. If people stop judging by learning to mind their business, people like the Asker wouldn't feel too body-conscious. Her body is hers. It's no one's job to discuss how good or bad it is or looks.

Answer 8

btbc92

The list is personally for her. It is not for other women because other women's energy, experiences, personality, etc is not the same. Some women like myself who is sensitive or targets for such men, no matter what we do. Sometimes, you born a target. And we need to be extra careful who we allow in our lives. Every woman is not a target. Women who aren't willing participants in anything is always a target.

Answer 9

spitifrex

Well reading your last three posts we are not far off here in belgium. We also have religious families forcing their children. Seen it happen once to one of my female classmates back in elementary, unfortunately it is safe to say i've never seen nor heard from her again.(Also islamic) That day defined my choice for atheism and nearly dispise religion. Thankfully you gain perspective and learn it's the people and not the religion itself that are the issue.

We also have the type of men you describe here, and the amount is rising at an alarming rate in my opinion. Same can apply towomen tough.

The younger society tends to belittle virginity more than the more mature people. At least in my experience, like you I'm approaching my thirties and am still a virgin, and there is no shame in it. It feels like some women see it as an achievement to not be a virgin. And will expect a guy to not be one either. As i quote litterally "I'm not going to educate him on how it's done, what do you think i am" (not directed at me) Let's just say I was surprised by the remark.

Answer 10

spitifrex

Also I still can't fathom how US society is always capable of the extremes, feels like a trend throughout history. where for some reason everyting has to be hugely over exagerated. US values are rubbing of on Europe. Which is not at all a good thing.

And finaly to your third response. People that stand out or that are different are always the target. I've been at the receiving end of that kind of attention aswel, thats is unfortunately just how society works below 25yrs old and in some cases even above.

Evethough I will never be able to imagine what the askers situation is like fully.(Me being a man and non islamic descendant) I'd say she need to find support with friends and those of the family the support her choice. Those that don't... well no matter how difficult should not be allowed to influence her in any way what soever.

From what I understand the asker writes, I feel she has a pretty good idea on where she wishes to go but lacks the support of many , up untill now, valued people surrounding her.
I sadening.😔

Answer 11

btbc92

@spitifrex

"People that stand out or that are different are always the target." TRUE to some degree. It's about your spirit, soul, and energy. Not because you stand out per se. I have Christain friends who are very receptive to other people than I am. I'm an INFJ, and also have other INFJ friends. They are also receptive to other people than me. People in general just don't like you or your just too different no matter what you do. Just like there are women who cover up and receive attention and normalcy. Where a hijab and don't have what the Asker is going through. It has nothing to do with what you're saying about religion. But the PERSON. If a woman is extremely attractive physically, or with her covering up, it entices men to lust. I know and heard stories of women from Islamic countries from stories my dad heard from his coworkers. The women are often innocent like the answer and some even try to get them to have sex. They find them exotic and sensual. That's why. The men don't care about women. They want to control the women and to fulfill their sexual gratifications. That is what I am warning her about. The men especially here in the US, many of them supposedly professing Muslim sleep around. It's a double standard. I know even more because one of my friend's ex WAS Muslim and he married a so-called White girl. Not who he was betrothed to from his family's village. The type of men going after most Muslim girls is typical, not to sound racist, white men who usually just see a woman to screw. That's it. They don't care for her beliefs or religion. Just that she doesn't force it on him, he wants sex and that's it. But usually doesn't marry unless she gives up her religion or believes as you sadly did. But that was your choice.

Answer 12

btbc92

Her choice has nothing to do with religion but that she doesn't love herself. When a woman is like that, religion have nothing to do with how she feels. But wanting and desiring to do the right thing by everybody but not forsake yourself and identity either. I know because I am the same way. I know my faith in God. But the world shames anybody who is 'religious' and is seen as a threat or enemy. If you refuse to be like the world, then they rather see you dead. Simple as that. But be like the world, now all of a sudden your their friends and 'one of us'. I saw both sides of the coin when I wasn't in church for years since my childhood. People only love you when they want something from you. But real family, and friends, and people who love you respect your choices. Many of my friends aren't Christians or believers in God, they loved me and never tried to change me or my beliefs. So it says a lot right there about people.

Asker has an identity problem. She doesn't know who she is. Both in Islam and to the world and to her family, her friends, and herself. She doesn't know herself. And it can sadly make you want to commit suicide. Because if both Islam and the world hate her, then what's the purpose of living? She has to know herself and find her purpose. Before she loses herself. The word of God says this in Matt 16:26 "For what profits a man if he gains the whole world but loses his own soul”. Is she going to lose her soul over the world? That's my question.

Answer 13

btbc92

Women coming from Islamic countries to America*

Answer 14

btbc92

She wants to be LIKE the world and feels trapped. That is what she is really struggling with. Doesn't want to deal with rules, but to be like the world. To have sex with judgment, but is scared of dealing with other women and girls who have premarital sex deal with. Which is a guy using her than leave her. It's more than just getting pregnant or STDs. It's the ability to have and form a stable relationship. She wants it all but feels her religion prevents her to and that is not really true. She is just tired of waiting and saving herself. She feels repressed sexually but she isn't. She just needs to learn to have better discipline and control and learn to form healthier relationships with men, but NOT with the WRONG MEN. Who will naturally gravitate to her sexually. The problem is this. If she marries an atheist guy, he won't respect her or her family. She is just sacred. She doesn't know what type of man is right for her because she doesn't want to marry a Muslim man because again, as I told you BEFORE. The men are hypocrites. Not all. But 98% of them ARE. And while women are the only ones expected to be virgins or else they get killed in some radical places. Some women and girls aren't virgins they find atheist men to sleep with and then try to cover up their virginities. It goes far worse than that. Most good Muslim men want to be with a Muslim woman or women of similar faiths like Jews and also Christians who value similar standards and principles. You have to understand how serious this goes. That's why I am telling her to please KEEP herself. Because if she doesn't, and she goes out there, forget the parents. What's going to happen when marriage to an atheist or atheist life isn't working for her because of what she grew up with? She has a choice to not be Muslim and renounce her religion and live like a worldly woman and be miserable or forced to marry a Muslim man and may BE miserable. She may not.

Answer 15

btbc92

But I don't blame her for not at least marrying another Muslim because again, they sleep around and you don't know what STD somebody may be carrying into a marriage. God forbid she gets infected they'll blame her. She becomes infertile because of him. They'll still blame her. Get it? So think wisely before you say you disagree with me and educate yourself no offense. She just needs stability, respect, and love from her family. But sadly her family isn't offering that. She still needs to honor God. She is free to marry who she wants, but she still needs to save herself for marriage and make sure this man is going to honor her, God, and her family. That is the most important if a sexual relationship and union are what she wants. But she claims she's an atheist. She's not. Because she is Muslim at heart. If she didn't care as an atheist, she wouldn't even care about what her family thinks and do what she wants. That's not the case. She is still Muslim, but she only claims she's like you because she doesn't like how her religion treated her. That's all. They're never stable when they're like that and religion has 0 to do with it because they're just not stable as people. How do I know? Been out of church since 8. You tend to know these things about people. God is real. God is very serious about us and loves us. But he didn't call for religion. But will use religion to gather people together back to him. Her family is the problem. Not Islam per se by itself. We know what hypocrisy it's about. But still, respect people who believe in it. She wants to basically sexualize herself. That's all. This has nothing to do with finding a husband.

Answer 16

btbc92

Christians too sadly when we backslide end up in that same trap and most eventually come back to serve God wholly and fully. When we're young it's not uncommon for some people in highly strict environments (something that God didn't call for) to want to let loose and go wild. They just go wild. It's a phase their Asker is going through. And it's a dangerous one. It's like a person wanting to smoke and drink, if they lack self-control they become addicts and addicted to their fix. For her, sex is the fix she wants until all of that energy burns out. All it takes is one guy for her to sleep with and he leaves watch how quick she'll wish she kept her virginity and listened. That's how my friends regretted their sexual choices because they didn't wait at the Askers age range. Again you see this with girls of any background, religion isn't always the reason. If they wanted to do it, that was always in them to do it. The lies she believing is that if she isn't religious she'll have greater success in life and love. That isn't how life works. And she'll sadly learn that the hard way.

Answer 17

btbc92

When girls and young women are desperate like that, they vulnerable, and bad men will take advantage of that. She's at that rebellious phase, out of personal choice, I'll say because I never went through that nor would I ever do so, but she is still Muslim. Don't let that full you. She wants to be like other girls and young women and do what SHE wants without anyone telling her what to do. But even life has rules she has to follow. She needs to mature and grow up because mentally she's still a child. And this is no offense to her, but she is so fragile but demanding that it's leaving her miserable because of how her family raised her. Her description tells it all. But she shouldn't lie and say she's atheist when she's not. She's really Agnostic. She can't have it both ways. And sadly she is playing dangerous games with her life, family, and sadly even with God. Only God can help her and she needs to turn to God for help with her whole heart and stop fooling around with life.

Answer 18

Asker

@btbc92 I'd like to thank you for giving me some perspective and for your time of day. a lot of what you mentioned encompasses what I think of every now and then. Id like to add I was never entirely unhappy growing up a muslim, I loved my friends, my family and I was the best in my community at memorising scripture but like all children the circumstances you are born into race, birth place, raised, religion, rich, poor is not a choice and this is something I must stress so when all of us gain cognition which for me was when I became 17 we start to really think for ourself as we come into adulthood, this is my struggle because here I am my whole heritage is muslim it was passed down to me and im growing up in the west (uk) when I saw the world properly at this age i felt terrible seeing how muslim world has fallen and then running to my god for solace

Answer 19

Asker

i did not find what I was looking for, when I looked for my god for why I covered from head to toe he said it was because of men, when I asked my god why can a muslim man have 4 wives he told me I cannot complain or I won't see paradise and no one can get my consent. Im an intp, you seem familiar with mbti :) but this is just scrapping the surface of the digging i did on my own for my answers to life I've been blessed that my family stressed my religious education so I could read and understand scripture, if anything what shocked me more is when I looked outside my window and the western world is decending into another kind depth of shallowness that doesn't seem any better. Sometimes I wonder if we could see how insignificant we look from space, the wars, the racism I did not ask to be part of the worlds mostly terrible history and before any of these labels that was put on me I am human and im trying to come terms with reality like all of us. My love for my family transcends religion becoming an atheist doesn't suddenly make me heartless and devoid of human emotions, the people who raise you even with there problems you will always hold a place in your heart for them and this is my struggle im not so selfish to charge head on with my thoughts I'm very conscious of how my actions/ thoughts will hurt those i love, id say out of all my family I get along the most with all of them this is me knowing things will not be the same when they know I used my own mind to believe that their god wasn't the answer. I am a very deep thinker but also compassionate and ideally I want the truth were ever its hiding.

Answer 20

btbc92

Turn to God. What you're hearing from is not God. It's something else that is demonic. God will never tell you something like that. First of all the word of God makes it very clear that man can only have one woman , and women can only have one man. You cover your head because your head over all is supposed to be a covering over you, especially our hair because our hair is our covering and it's a woman's Glory. You especially cover yourself when you're praying would you use a prayer shawl for. Other than that, if you don't want to always constantly keep your head covered, like I said there are days where you want to be covered you cover yourself. And days you don't feel like it per se, you don't have to do that. But I will tell you this who have a lot of Muslim friends. Please don't do what you say you're doing. You want to serve God turn to God of Abraham Isaac and Jacob. Because sadly what a lot of people that are Muslim don't realize is that in Islam y'all serve many gods. And it's not the same god that Christians serve. But that doesn't mean that they aren't true believers in Islam that really do believe in God. But Allah and God is not the same person.

Answer 21

Mystic_Nova | 259 opinions shared on Dating topic.

Yoda

If you're family doesn't support women showing themselves, then no matter what, you are going to hurt them, no matter what.

I would save money and move out, if i vfc were you, even if you shared an apartment with another girl.

You have a choice, live for yourself, or your family. Because it doesn't seem like your family will bend their faith anytime soon.

Asker

11 d
Your right and that's the toughest part... losing them completely 💔 I just have a bad habit of putting them and everyone before me but at this extent its made me so miserable these past 6 years

Answer 22

Asker

Your right and that's the toughest part... losing them completely 💔 I just have a bad habit of putting them and everyone before me but at this extent its made me so miserable these past 6 years

Answer 23

spitifrex

Xper 3

I'm an atheist although i can better say i'm not religious and i'm dissapointed that parents still actively force their own religion and views upon their children. you'd thing we were past that already.

On the subject of virginity I believe uou shouldn't fret on it too much. I'm 27 and still am one, there is absolutely no shame in it.

Faith is a descision you make yourself and no one else can do that for you. Whether it is Alah, God, Budah or for all i care it's the devil himself. You make that choice.

The subject of you family is more difficult. I know for a fact the word and concept of Family still means something in Easter culture. Contrary to many western cultures (of course it still differs from case to case). It will be a dificult descision, but in my opinion living the life that YOU choose and that makes YOU happy. Is it really worth sacrificing that to end up miserable by trying to adhere to your family's views?

In short do what makes you happy and never allow anyone to force you into submission or repression.

Answer 24

slatyb | 5.2K opinions shared on Dating topic.

Master

Can you see a therapist? That could help a lot. As far as dating, there are many secular men in Western countries, more or less depending on the exact location. It's reasonable for you to decide that you won't date a religious man of any faith. I did that after I was divorced. I met some lovely secular women online and am now happily married.

You are quite young. If you aren't meeting interesting men in you life, try dating online. Be specific about who you want to meet -- age, religion, goal in dating, desire (or not) for children, personal habits like smoking/drinking/toking. Young women get more attention than they can handle. You don't have to respond to them all. Answer the ones that are interesting and ignore the rest.

Answer 25

Guffrus | 722 opinions shared on Dating topic.

Guru

You probably can't have your cake and eat it too, if you do not strike out on your own and stand on you own 2 feet you risk being forever controlled by your religious family and pressured and abused into doing what you dont want to do.

Religion is wrong, its baseless and evil and it must be stood up to.

You have to separate yourself from them if you are ever to be free, what contact you are able to have with them will be decided by them, not you, you can't choose for other people.

You haven't done anything wrong.

Answer 26

ZackBan | 393 opinions shared on Dating topic.

Yoda

We don't get to chose the hand we're dealt in life and it can be tough.
One of the worst things is being surrpunded by people so immersed in religion (any religion) that it reaches the point of brainwash. And they do things that "God" told them to do even though no one's ever seen or heard him.

What I do recommend is autonomy. Don't turn your back on family but build a life without them. Maybe as their neighbor but not in their religious home.

Eventually they will lose all control over you and you'll be able to live life like you chose even if they might get a little upset they still won't disown you over it as you are not bringing sin into their lives just in yours

Answer 27

genericname85 | 6.3K opinions shared on Dating topic.

Master

well nobody can make that decision for you. it's your life. i mean you live in the west. so doing what you want is actually an option, which is good for you.

so as for the morality of sex, i would say listen to what you want. i personally think that if you're informed about safe sex, you should actually venture out and make your experiences. better have a shitty experience than none and ending up with a shitty marriage and ending up in divorce.

as for your family: i don't know them. so you have to negotiate with them. maybe sit together and have a talk like the adult you are and tell them about how you feel and what you wanna do. and then maybe decide from there.

Answer 28

Madhatter920 | 814 opinions shared on Dating topic.

Guru

I'm sorry you're having a hard time. I know it's really difficult when you're raised in a religious family and a lot of those teaching stick with you in the back of your mind. I think unless you're actually going out with your family, what exactly is the problem dressing as you like? They aren't there, so I can't imagine they would know or be bothered. Do they know you are an atheist? Do you really believe they would disown you?

Asker

11 d
I tried when I was 17 and the amount of 'mothers' in the community that would lecture me and my family was ridiculous that I was pressured more into dressing like nun. My family is very religious and so I have a strong guilt for dressing however, like I feel everyone is watching me if I let my hair out. Even when I got my own place im still loyal to their wishes, they don't know im an atheist, 3 girls got hell for doubting the faith in my community, one is getting intervention were a popular imam is coming for intervention because they think its the devil. I will 100% be disowned my old faith believes in death of apostates at worst but im relatively safe in the west. I just don't want to bring any future kids to be forced with this and I want all these aunties to stop talking about marriage all of a sudden to me it gives me anxiety.
Madhatter920

11 d
I'm not very familiar with how things work, but it sounds like they won't permit you to have both. You may have to choose between family and faith. You can live freely in the west, without your family. Or you can stay with your family and be bound by the tenants of their faith. That's a choice you'll have to make. I don't envy your position.

Answer 29

Asker

I tried when I was 17 and the amount of 'mothers' in the community that would lecture me and my family was ridiculous that I was pressured more into dressing like nun. My family is very religious and so I have a strong guilt for dressing however, like I feel everyone is watching me if I let my hair out. Even when I got my own place im still loyal to their wishes, they don't know im an atheist, 3 girls got hell for doubting the faith in my community, one is getting intervention were a popular imam is coming for intervention because they think its the devil. I will 100% be disowned my old faith believes in death of apostates at worst but im relatively safe in the west. I just don't want to bring any future kids to be forced with this and I want all these aunties to stop talking about marriage all of a sudden to me it gives me anxiety.

Answer 30

Madhatter920

I'm not very familiar with how things work, but it sounds like they won't permit you to have both. You may have to choose between family and faith. You can live freely in the west, without your family. Or you can stay with your family and be bound by the tenants of their faith. That's a choice you'll have to make. I don't envy your position.

Answer 31

Swordnen

Xper 5

You gotta find an open minded man... which will accept you as who you are and who you want to be... I do not know much about you... but there are some guys who believes both ( -> God is one , -> Everyone is human and must be treated equal)
find someone who makes your heart race when you talk to him and vice versa... Caution:- Do not drop standard of living and your own standards for an open life... it will make your life living hell

Answer 32

casserolie

Xper 5

never been in that sort of situation, but even if you were "disowned" your family will come to realize that your happiness should come first, even if they don't say it out loud

Answer 33

boxcarjoe

Xper 3

I'm not an expert on the religion but I dont know if you can live your happy life and stay well connected with your family

Answer 34

FakeNIK | 100 opinions shared on Dating topic.

Xper 5

I don't have any ideas on it.. but if there's something you wanna say or discuss. I'll listen

Answer 35

r_r_g

Xper 2

Take it slowly. I'm all but disowned by my family- they are not islamist but are abusively self righteous.
It's a good thing (now, at 40)

Answer 36

Calgarydirty69

Xper 4

screw faith I am an atheist to avoid all this drama

Answer 37

Anonymous

You surely seem sweet, not sure how I can help you do you think if you would marry me would help?

Answer 38

FakeName123 | 1.6K opinions shared on Dating topic.

Guru

I dont exactly see a question, but just a rant.

Answer 39

Yourman89

Xper 5

Are you wanting to lose your virginity?

Help! Struggling with virginity, faith and family 🧕🏾?

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