Do you think you can sex your way into someone's heart?

[lilyanony1]

This is a genuine question here. Do you think that if you have the skills in bed that you'll find a sweet spot in the other person's heart that creates the kind of bond they desperately don't want to break.

I ask this because sometimes it feels like some people spend more time perfecting their sex skills over personality flaws or actually gaining a perspective and mentally to wether the long term relationship obstacles...

[AmandaYVR]

lolol. I enjoy the phrasing on your questions.

I think it's a valid question, but... the answer will ultimately be no.
Because... men's primary motivator (not all men, all the time, but generally speaking) is sex. It's not the only thing they want (I asked a q about this), but it is the MOTIVATING FACTOR, primarily, AT FIRST. Physical contact. (They also like/love affection, cuddling, etc. Preferably in almost silence, lol.)

But sex clouds thinking as well. How many stories do we hear about people staying "too long" in a less-than-good-or-healthy relationship. Eventually people know, and they exit. But in the mean time, they have a lot of fun (and conflict) trying to figure out whether they will be able to iron out all those incompatibilities.

I think guys will appreciate if girls decide to begin all relationships with sex... and then go from there.
But as I noticed on your other recent q (I saved it as a tab and read through it all this morning), many guys explain that they already know ['apparently' in the beginning already, which I think is bogus] whether their interests in the girl are sex... or more. So if she gives it up, he gets what he needs, and leaves right after. Fine. But most guys don't leave after one session. They come a callin' again, don't they. (Unless the sex was really bad.)

What guys do (again, not all guys) is 'try out' the girl. And if sex is on the table, that's often their favourite way to do this. If it's not, they'll get to know her in other ways. Sex may or may not preclude that. I don't think the sex either needs to be, or doesn't need to be, there.

But, most importantly, can girls keep guys, exclusive, committed, monogamous, using sex? No, it's not enough in the long haul. Guys, too, want the personality AND compatibility. Otherwise they're not motivated to stay.
So should girls wait on sex, to make the guy get to know them a bit better, while each are deciding what they want from the other person? Probably. But just how long is the key. Most guys (except religious virgins, etc.) will think there is truly a reasonable amount of time, of patience. (And in such cases, my advice to the girl would be - you must, in the mean time, show him, and tell him, your feelings about him. There must be affection, appreciation, compliments, etc. Stonewalling, games, debilitating trust or insecurity issues, no, no man should have to wait forever.

[lilyanony1]

Ahh Amanda, thanks for the compliments. I completely hear what you're saying to me... It's interesting to ask these questions to really hear what goes on in peoples minds if they know they can't sex there way into someone's heart then why do they focus so much on sex. I get that urges and hormones make us want it but if people really want a partner why do they always go on about the sex. It seems backwards to me.

[AmandaYVR]

"if they know they can't sex there way into someone's heart then why do they focus so much on sex." Are you speaking of both guys and girls, or more one gender? I mean, sex is a tool. (And a toy, sort of.) It definitely factors in. Guys need more sex in a relationship in order for them to stay. Girls tend to want more emotional effort to be satisfied. I think each gives what they can more easily give/muster up. But it's not what the other prioritizes, necessarily. Well, for short-term situations, guys really prioritize sex, but if they do actually want a long term committed relationship, they want good sex + the other stuff too. But it takes a lot for them to decide, "Ok, this is worth giving up my freedom for."

[lilyanony1]

Hmm... Well it's shocking given just how many people ask about size of equipment, how well they need to perform sexually, how long they need to do certain acts and or last generally. It's really annoying that this is the type of thing that people seem to think is the key to a lasting relationship. Sex is important but not the only part. Then you get the backlash aggressive fighting against any posts that suggests more kindness to help to form a bond. It seems like we're at a point where noone is truly prepared to put in the real work without mind blowing pleasure! But you can't really manufacture it... You know!

[AmandaYVR]

They sound male, youngish, dumbish, or immature, honestly. That stuff is easier to talk about. Guys who are not emotionally evolved don't know how to talk about the other stuff. Plus, they don't really 'get it', or want to get it. But you're right, they also devalue its importance. Males generally feel more comfortable, more capable, tackling the mechanical world. I think they approach much of sex in a similar way. Not older men, or intelligent men, or deep and wise men though. They know it's this large, symbolic, metaphorical, powerful thing that is far more than just body parts. "It seems like we're at a point where noone is truly prepared to put in the real work without mind blowing pleasure!" Mmmm. That's terrible. I'm not out there so I can't speak on that. What I hear is how it is to find a great, sane, loving, compatible partner. I think I'll stop there. Cause this could get uber dark here...

[thatonearies]

I don't think it's the act of sex that causes this result. I think it's the intimacy and emotional factor that comes with sex. Everyone wants to be loved, desired, and made to feel safe. That's what sex provides if a person is at least moderately well at it and there're feelings involved. But every person is different. I love my boyfriend dearly and he's the best person I've ever had sex with but that's not why I'm with him nor why I would stay with him if he were lacking in other areas. Sex alone does not hold real longterm relationships together.

[OpenClose]

I mean I think the general knowledge here is that you heart a woman into her sex, and you sex a man into his heart. An unfortunate conflict, but I don't think it's a necessary one.

I think girls have their guard up about sex because they know everyone is after it. She has to trust you and you have to be vulnerable with her enough for her to feel your intentions are genuine.

And I think guys keep everyone at arms length and are used to having our emotions and vulnerabilities ignored or laughed at unless they are anger or pride. So our need for emotional intimacy, vulnerability, emotional support, security, wanting to have company, wanting to be desired instead of having to serve a function. All of that gets funneled into sexual intimacy, and it always feels like there isn't enough.

In fact, there's a brothel in Australia that actually pays their girls extra if they have degrees in psychology. Often times, they find men going to the brothels looking for sex, only for them to break down in tears before the act because they don't feel like they are enough for the world, or other emotional issues that come spilling out the moment intimacy is available.

[Red_Dawn123]

Now This is a interesting question. From my perspective, being a guy, No. absolutely not. I do not like casual sex or sex of any kind where there is no emotional bond/commitment/ feeling of intimacy. I’ve never done it, but it seems…Hollow. The whole act. Empty. Void of the best part of sex: the emotional connection. The trust. The heat/passion. I don’t believe you can Lust your way into someone’s heart through sex. That might work for a guy who just wants to sleep around. But for a guy that want’s…more out of his relationship, It takes a lot more than sex (great or not) to keep him. It takes love. Real love. Trust. And emotional intimacy. Sex might get some People in the door, but for those that want something more, it won’t keep them.

[laurieluvsit]

Yes, some guys will fall in love with you for sure if you provide them with great sex, without question.

I think that is a hard one to argue against :)

[Itsmeeeee77]

That’s not love that’s desire and infatuation. Love is when you would seek permission to have sex as love is respect love is sacrifice.

[laurieluvsit]

@Itsmeeeee77 Thank you, that is a good perspective. What I am referring to is, over time, the infatuation can , and will, convert to genuine love in many cases.

[Lucid_Dreams]

I don't think so. But if you can... that's a shit relationship lol

[DaveJord]

For all the stupid shit, I have seen asked on here... for the stupid stories I have heard, and ridiculous details... and yet people still care for and want to be will other crazy people with all the issues, flaws and drama...

YES I believe given all the stupid relationship shit... ABSOLUTELY you can sex your way into a relationship.

I have totally crushed on chicks that was so-so at best in bed, and lost interest. I dated women that I thought were kind of cool but not, but they fucked so good I stayed. So yes they sexed their way into a relationship on some level I cared for them because I put value what they did for me despite thier flaws. And yeah I missed it and them to some degree when it was gone.

But just because you can sex your way in, doesn't mean sex alone is enough to make it last. As far as flaws everyone is looking for the right type of crazy to share their crazy with in life.

[Aerissa_Jade]

I've been fallen and guys fall for me when it was a friends with benefits situation, so it seems possible. Not sure if that is a good foundation to start though. The good thing though is if you try to move it into a real relationship, there isn't that whole want to must have sex push going on. Your actually pushing to make things work.

I will say that is probably the hardest way to get into someone's heart though.

[DizzyDesii]

Yes but only temporarily. I feel that anything physical, whether it be looks or actions are temporary

[menina]

I wouldn't do that. I'm not looking for a sex buddy and to me sex is meaningless if there's no love.

[BestWoman]

Wowwww i love your idea

[menina]

@BestWoman Thanks! 😊

[BestWoman]

U are most welcome

[RobT312]

Short term yes, long term I don’t think so. Sure the sex bond will be there but if there isn’t a mental connection the rest of the relationship won’t work

[MrCommodore]

Not because of sex skills, I think if a woman is having sex with a guy a lot, she probably really likes him. I don't think simply having sex can make a woman love with the guy, even if he hits the right spots.

[ohshee]

Well to be honest with you if that's all it took I probably wouldn't want it I'm going to save my skills are pretty good but I mean if that's what it took to get into somebody's heart it would just be too easy for me and I wouldn't want that

[ShaTTeredMasterpeace]

I feel like it would be a lust thing.

[Nazgol]

Exactly

[ArrowheadSW]

Couples need all of the other things to build a good relationship.

[ReneD13]

No, you aren't going to sex someone to the point they are in love with you. I think that it can prolong a relationship but eventually if all you're bringing to the table is good sex, the relationship will come to an end at some point.

[dustybiker]

I think the passion is strong from the get go with some lucky folk. In that case it’s there already.

[PinkMichae]

I'd say yes because they want to keep having that dynamic sex. And if in that time they realize you aren't just a magnificent lover but also check off all the other things that's important to them, then they fall in love.

I feel thats what happened between my man and I since we started as lovers with no plan in falling in love. But our chemistry was out of this world. And both enjoyed sex a lot.

[Lionman95]

No because it´s not love that is building up in that moment but attraction which is only a part of it.
The attraction is enough for some kind of bond but it´s not enough to keep me faithful and loyal to her.

[Harleigh90]

No, need the sweet spot in his heart before sex

[pass_the_celery98]

I’ve wasted years trying to do that. I just assume guys/girls want sex and flings only nowadays.

[Nikkilee12]

If that person is sexually driven then yes!

[abc3643]

Yes. I hate saying this, but this is a way to lure a man into a steady relationship.

There's an old saying that I learned only this past year, but it is essentially true:
To keep a man, keep his belly full and his balls empty.

Men are constructed to "fuck early, fuck often, and fuck as many as you can". But, if a man is getting steady decent sex at home, not only won't he wander, but he will definitely bond and fall in love.

[lilyanony1]

Now that's controversial. You're the only guy so far to say this. .

[abc3643]

Well, honestly, it may not apply to every man for two reasons: 1. Really good-looking guys can always get laid and so they will want to test the waters and have no shortage of willing attractive available women who will happily comply. So, such men are used to loving-and-leaving. Having their sexual needs met by many women, no woman is special so he doesn't need the bonding. 2. The current hook-up generation is comparable. It basically tells people "fuck all you want with whoever you want whenever you want." So, again, male and female sexual needs are met with no bonding being necessary. That said, you watch... There is ALWAYS - almost daily - questions by women here who ask about catching feelings with their "friend with benefits". Either she does or he does or both. It's always a matter of time. Why? Because it is steady sex with the same person and that creates a steady psychological positive feedback loop. ... and that's really what love is: It is a locked-in psychological positive feedback loop.

[abc3643]

There are so many "friends with benefits catching feelings" questions here, that I have a standard answer to paste: Congratulations! Your question is today's Question of the Day illustrating that Friends With Benefits is an illusion because eventually one of them will get emotionally involved as if in a couple. It's not a question of "if" it's going to happen, but "when". If it is any consolation, in December 1988 just before I turned 26, I was involved in this intense 2.5 week F W B situation with my roommate. I was very emotionally involved, but, for her, I was just a convenient lay between more "serious boyfriend"s. So, was I a stupid fool? Yes and no. I knew better, but I wanted what I got into and paid the price. I learned through The School of Hard Knocks just like you are...

[lilyanony1]

Damn... This is a really good response with solid experience too

[abc3643]

Thank you!

[abc3643]

Here you go... today's winner!
Am I overthinking friends with benefits? ↗

[lilyanony1]

Well this is just sad, all relationships regardless of age still seems to puzzle. I think we need to figure out what we want and if it doesn't go with what we want it's pretty much a waste of time

[BCA6010]

I don't think such a relationship would last long if that's what it took to get there.

Lust and love aren't the same thing.

[Diodoro]

Yes and no

Yes I bring good sex. But I'm not sure that alone is what instigates that response. It's my behavior before during and after. Like I've met a girl at a bar I didn't talk to all night

Slept with her at a hotel. Then had breakfast the next day. Then met up again for sex. Only for her to invite me out to dinner at a nice place that she paid for everything.

That girl was slowly trying to make things more serious. Eventually she realized I didn't want that and she said, "the sex... it's really good. If you want to be fuckbuddies we can do that. If you want to be more we can do that" lol

I don't believe that just my sex got me to that point. It was sex, the ability to have fun outside of sex and make her laugh, making her feel safe, not being an idiot, knowing the sexual dance, being a generally good person even tho I can be an asshole