Ok, I've basically been suffering with it since I was eight. When, I was thirteen I started cutting but had done minor forms of self harm before then. I stopped a week before my eighth grade graduation but began doing it again randomly in April. I haven't cut on my wrist since that is the most noticeable place in my opinion, but I will scratch at my thighs until the skin is raised and red with a little bit of blood seeping out. I used to use a straight razor but my dad found it and took it away causing me to resort to scissors. Though, when I first began I tore up a Bic razor until the blades were exposed and used that and would just cut on my calves and were knee high shoes and socks to hide the cuts.
I'm just extremely unhappy and no matter what I do it doesn't go away and just makes me feel helpless to my situation. I have an extremely well off home life yet I'm still unhappy and used to have constant thoughts of running away and trying to find what I feel is lost. Some days the loneliness gets to me and I feel like just ending it all but tell myself not to break the time limit. The time limit is something I put in place when I was eight and having constant thoughts of death and it was a promise to myself when I was eight that if I was still unhappy at eighteen I could kill myself. I no longer have plans to end my life that young, but it is a good way to keep myself alive.
I have what my mother calls the Dufrene temper. So, when I'm angry at someone who I feel has insulted my I will usually sock them in the face. If I'm upset I will break things. The most recent thing being a vase and nail polish bottle in my hotel room after feeling abandoned by my mother who left me alone for hours after promising to spend time with me. Usually, when I feel this way I will lock myself in my room and wait it out. Sometimes if I feel like hurting someone I will cut myself to calm down.
My "friend" Emily is pressuring me to start dating, but I don't want to make a guy suffer by dating me. I would love to date, though, I don't think anyone would want me. They could easily find a more attractive and saner girl than me. This is just acting what are my chances of actually finding a guy that would date and possibly love me even with all my flaws?
Most Helpful Girl
As much as I'm sure this is worrying you, I honestly think you should put dating on the back burner for now and focus on yourself first, like the anonymous user suggested.
You've obviously had depression for a very long time, and you're still here. It might not seem like much of an accomplishment to you, but it is. Depression is a tough thing to work through, and unfortunately, a lot of people do end up resorting to suicide. I'm glad to see that, so far, you haven't done that.
I'm not going to tell you to stop cutting, even though I don't think it's healthy for you. What some people fail to realize is that, despite being unhealthy, cutting IS a coping strategy. So, I think it would be beneficial for you to think about how it's working for you. Does it make you feel better when you cut, or has it just become a habit over the years? Also, I encourage you to look into other coping strategies that you could use, too (i.e., exercise, reading, music, etc). And please be safe when you self-injure -- self-injury is almost never done with the intention to commit suicide, but unfortunately things go wrong a lot of the time and people die, so be careful.
I also think it would be a good idea to seek professional help, because this sounds pretty serious to me, and it shouldn't be ignored. You CAN lead a happy, productive life -- you don't always have to feel this way. Your question shows you as under 18, so I'm going to assume you're still in high school. If so, consider speaking to a social worker or counselor (whichever one is on staff) at your school. They can help you work through your feelings and find other, healthier ways to cope, and eventually find a way to be happier.
If you're not still in high school, then you can seek help from a doctor and get a referral to a psychologist or a psychiatrist (who will most likely prescribe medication, but if you don't want medication, you can request a psychologist, who will use a more cognitive-behavioral approach to counseling).
If you can't afford a psychologist, try looking for group sessions in your community. Often times you'll find that churches and community organizations will hold weekly sessions for specific problems (i.e, anxiety, depression, survivors of abuse, etc).
Whatever you decide to do, though, I hope things get better for you.
Best of luck.2