How soon is "too soon?"

This girl I have had a long time crush on just ended it with her boyfriend.

So, if I were to decide to pursue something, how long should I wait before asking her to join me for coffee without it seeming like I was "waiting for her?"

I've gotten to know her a bit, but I like her so far.

The good:

I don't think that it's gotten to the point of being "just friends."

She knows who I am, which is good.

I don't know for sure, but it seems like we have a lot in common so far.

The bad:

I don't know if she's interested. I'm inclined to say no, since she started dating this other guy.

She hasn't flirted with me. I've probably flirted with her subconsciously, but nothing too definite yet, so it's hard to say.


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What Girls Said 2

  • There is a riot of emotions after a break up. You're disorientated, you're confused - because no matter what, something familiar has been taken out of your life. I think a relationship afterwards is the bridge that helps you span the transition, but I don't believe it could be a lasting thing. It's the dreaded rebound relationship.

    I think it would be best for you to cool your heels and wait for her to sort through her emotions before you take the step to make her yours. To me, every man after a break up was compared to the ex because it's hard to let go of the familiarity. Give her time to regroup.

    I understand that it would seem you're missing the boat here, but you don't know what she's going through inside. Depending how long her last relationship was, it could take a substantial amount of time for her to find the balance she needs to enter into a healthy relationship.

    Go ahead and invite her out for coffee as a friend. Let your presence be known, but don't pursue her romantically yet. Women's emotions are like landmines - just because the surface looks peaceful and welcoming - it can blow up in your face with the wrong step. Let her settle whatever she's going through before you make a move. It would do you both good in the long run. You won't be the rebound and she will be given the time to heal.

    Good luck.

    • You don't know how true you are. I am a living victim of such a rebound relationship.

  • My suggestion is to try to find out how she's doing emotionally and what phase she's in. If not enough time has gone by, she may not want something serious, especially if it's with someone she already knew before the breakup. She may just be looking to get back out there and have some fun. If that seems to be the case, then give her more time. Be there, but don't try to date her yet. This other guy may just be a distraction, a rebound if you will. You don't want to be the rebound. If she just got out of the relationship, I doubt she's looking for anything too serious.

    From personal experience, I had a guy that I've known for a long time start talking to me a lot more after my breakup. At first, I thought he was just being friendly, but later I realized what was really going on. He'd had a crush on me for almost 3 years and decided to finally pursue it. I didn't mind that he was talking to me, but when he finally confessed he'd had this crush and wanted a relationship, it really felt like he had been waiting for this to happen. His mistake was not waiting long enough to confess. Why? Because I knew him and he knew me. He knew what I was going through and to me it seemed like he disregarded my post breakup emotions. I knew him well enough to know he likes me. It was kind of obvious. To be honest, I like him too, but I expected him to wait until he knew for sure that I was completely over the breakup before trying anything. Because he rushed it, I also felt he wasn't serious about wanting me because everyone knows that shortly after a breakup, if you end up in a relationship, it's just a rebound. Why would he want to be the rebound? I felt like he was trying to take advantage of my vulnerable state. Not good at all. It may have not been the case, but that's how I saw it.

    How do you know when she's completely over the breakup? She'll start getting more serious about finding a long-term partner, not just someone to casually date. I have yet to reach that point and its been 4 months. I think it's different for everyone. If I were you though, I'd try flirting a bit, just to gauge her interest anyway. It may not be the right time for you to ask her out yet, but at least you'll have her attention for when she's ready. You'll also help boost her confidence which is a plus.

    If this guy had just continued to talk and flirt with me like he had been doing, we'd still be talking now. He got my attention for sure and if he had waited to ask me out once I was looking for something more than just a distraction, I would've said yes gladly.


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