Advice from successful men who have dated?

Looking for some inspiration from other men who were once in the rut romantically and pulled things off. Not out of sheer luck. But in a change in mindset, approach to their lives.

Ever since I've turned 30 I've been become increasingly disillusioned about things. Complaining about women will not get anything done. Getting advice from women MAKES THINGS WORSE. I learned since I was 23 that women give horrible dating advice.

But I need to chat with successful dudes.

Few other details about me. I'm in very good shape. I work out religiously and was a professional mma fighter a few years ago. I'm not huge, but I walk confidently.

I'm also trying to pay off debt (I'm a huge dave ramsey fan). I'm so determined to pay off my credit card/student loans I don't even own a car. No I'm not a loser in my parents basement. I have a corporate job and I make 70K a year. I also live in socal...very expensive.
I also look young for my age. I've been tempted to lie to girls and say I'm 25 to 27. I feel like turning 30 has really limited options. It's a fricken number...but in a girls mind...she immediately makes assumptions on where I'm supposed to be in life.
I'm naturally introverted...hence I'm on this site. However I know how to speak up when the time is right. It's very hard for me, but I have conditioned myself to be outgoing at times. I do have a rep for being "unpredictable". I'm not always shy. In fact sometimes I feel like the most confident of the group. However inwardly I absolutely disdain, hate, abhor the American "hip hop" and "punk ass" culture. I feel this is what turns on 95% of women and 100% of attractive women under 30.
Update: I know own a car ( a beat up pontiac sunfire...but I paid for it in cash). I'm making more money and I"m going to have my credit cards paid off in a month. I'm also training mma again.
I"m not looking for just sex. I'm looking for both sex and meaningful relationship.


Most Helpful Guy

  • Here is the secret, I really want to help you cause I was the same as you once. If you are not naturally confident it really not a big deal all it takes is a strong initiative, you have to push your boundaries, push your comfort zone, don't settle for what you are, but aim for who you want to be.

    Check it... 2-3 years ago I was the biggest nerd. I played starcraft:bw and civilization all day, I avoided girls unless I was completely hammered. I had not had a girlfriend for years. Eventually I got tired of always seeing other guys getting girlfriend while I was single.

    So I started asking why was it that I was single? Obviously you know why most guys are single. They lack the confidence to be cheeky and funny and cocky around women. I used to make every excuse to avoid talking to girls, especially if I liked her.. from pretending I was not that into her. To imagining that she could do better.

    First lesson, don't make excuses, it is that simple! You need to perceive your self as a catch and you are doing her a favor by talking to her. You obviously are a unique person that has something to offer, identify these things. I for one am great at understanding people. I also am very open to people and don't mind sharing my views. I am very loyal. I have many stories and interesting things that have happened to me so I can keep conversations going with anecdotes all day (something I have to thank my mom for since she is a writer).

    Once you have your fortes down make sure to sharpen them and use them. F***it practice in front of mirrors and in the showers (trust me it is not as uncommon as you think). I would practice telling stories I felt would be interesting and would demonstrate how awesome I was. As they say practice makes perfect. I would also look at how other people who were much better and confident than me socialized and approached women. Learn as much as you can from others, if it works for him try to see why it works for him and copy shamelessly.

    Also one important thing that many guys neglect and is arguably the easier on the list is to dress well. A friend once told me, some people would never spend 300 dollars on a pair of shoes, but they would spend that much on video games or a cell phone. If you prioritize your looks it is one thing girls will notice, they definitely won't notice how awesome you are at starcraft or the latest graphics card you installed in your pc. Because women place such high standards in looking good themselves they like it when a man does the same.

    Anyway once you have wrapped your head around what you got to offer and sharpen your self and your image a bit then it is just a matter of going out there and meeting and socializing with as many women as you can. As I stated in the start, push your boundaries and push it vigorously. Dive straight into the cold water. Before long you will see what you found hard once, like saying hi to a random girl will become second nature. Question 533339

    • This is taken from another question I recently answered. By the way I want to congratulate you on taking the first step, showing initiative, kudos and best of luck bro!

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    • you put a lot of insight into that. Thanks for the effort! I do need to dress better. I'm trying to save money, but I need to keep up a little more. Some new shoes would help.

      I'm not that underconfident with approaching women. But one of the problems is I have no good wingmen right now. I moved to a new state for a tech job. My friends and roommates are cool guys...but they are NERDS. In fact they depend on me to be a good wingman. I don't mind doing that occassionally.

    • but being around these guys don't get me laid. The other alternative is go out on my own. But going at it alone is risky. Unless I got a real good excuse to go to social functions by myself (such as I'm traveling/visiting) girls are quick to label loner guys as creepy. NOT FAIR. And I F***ING hate how women think. But it's how it is. I need a wingman.

Have an opinion?

What Girls Said 3

  • I won't be anny. this time :) I think a lot of women have precieved perceptions of what a man in his 30's should have, probably because most girls, dad's tell them that they should find a man who can take care of them. The unfortuneate part is that a lot of women tend to think that they deserve the best in life without putting forth a little effort. Guys are only human. Girls are very good at jumping to conclusions and seem to have very high expectations (even though a lot of them will deny this) I really hate to say this, but you are very right about attractive women under 30... The Hip hop and punk cultures have over taken them. My thought is because most of them are still in "party" stages... ie. going out the bars and clubs frequently... This is not a turn on for someone who is looking to find a partner to settle down with. It sounds like you are doing all the right things that will make you very successful, but are just lackin that "good" woman that can sweep you off your feet? May I ask where you are trying to meet girls? To me it seems that you need a more sophisticated girl who is independant, goal and career oriented, and also attractive. Also one who is not bitchy or controlling... As hard as it may seem to find someone like this, I KNOW they are out there. I would place myself in that category but as one of those kind of girls, it will be impossible to find one of my kind in a bar or club. You would be more likely to find this type at starbucks, in the park, a museum, or somewhere where there's less "partying" going on :) Parks are the perfect place to also find active women cause they usually like to jog there :) Just ideas... I know you didn't want a girl's advice, but I have been told more often than not, that I am not the typical female :) Plus you responded well to my first post that was annonymous :) Hope I helped you a bit :)

    • Actually this is some of the better advice I got. And yes you are not like a typical female (compliment :) ). My lifestyle is very focused on my career, my side job and my physique. The time I do have is POF or as you guessed it...sometimes at clubs. However to save money I stayed away from clubs/bars. POF actually had a few good dates in the past (and some horrible ones). However I fell like that since I hit the 30 a few months ago my response rate has plummet. I'm not chasing 19 yr

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    • gender has gained WAYYY to much disapportionate power thx to political correctness, feminism and the media. However getting bitter puts me nowhere. I'm looking to model other successful men. Their attitudes, their personality, their approach. Problem is I have no good role models/wingmen right now. I moved to a new state and most of male acquaintances are no better off than I. In fact some of them look to me for advice...but I'm no a shining example at the moment. Not a st8 answer..sorry

    • Well from what you wrote, you seem to be on the right track to success :) Now you need to find a girl who can appreciate all your hard work and effort, and like you for you :) It may be tricky, but I'm sure that you will find her. I wish I could help more, but don't give up, and know that there are women out there that you will find relationship material in... It may just take a little time... And just because your 30 doesn't mean anything! Age is nothing but a number. It will get better. :)

  • Hello friend,

    I am a very honest and kind girl. My name is Tabitha, I went through your profile I read the contents and I find it necessary to send a compliment to you, I think we can click together, maybe you do not mind, we can exchange photos and letters with others. Perhaps you are interested in my proposal, then! Reply through my private e-mail, so that in return I will attach my photo for you to know about me, Thank you for your understanding.

    True friend! Tabitha

    E-mail me at;

  • You have been talking to the wrong women! A lot may give bad advice, but some of us actually are "real" with their advice.

    • the worst advice I ever got (indirectly) was my mom. She raised me to be a nice guy chump. It took years for me to man up on this and painfully figure out what women really want/respect.

What Guys Said 6

  • Not to run the danger of having a Marie Antoinette moment, but money never hurts. I'm not saying go to law school at 30-35, but you honestly don't need any kind of "degree" to make money. All you need it time well spent to analyze the world and find a "gap" between what people "want" and what businesses out there "give" them. That's all that business is. Sure, it would be nice to be a lawyer or accountant and feel confident going forward, but that's stupid (trust me, I know). Are you really going to spend 5 years of your life to be an accountant, and then 3 years of your life to be a lawyer? (not to mention the debt). Just "rent" people who have already done that, and use that time and money to develop your own business. It's really not hard, you just have to be sure you're filling the right "gap."

    Then, there's looks. This one is actually quite simple, and I can't understand why so many men complain about it. Just be good looking! It's not hard. Okay, sure, it helps to be born good-looking, but like other guys said, don't let yourself go, dress well, and take care of yourself.

    Then, be good at sex. Don't go crazy. All I mean by that is understand women sexually, specifically, from the moments leading up to sex, all the way after she's enjoyed herself. Understanding how to "get laid" is a useless skill, really, because it should happen naturally - and you'll see why below. Understanding how to make her really happy in bed is far more important, and more involved than just working with your penis.

    Money and looks are a man's hard assets. It's his social "rank," his status, and it's the only "real" negotiating power or leverage a man has in dating. Plus, unlike women's negotiation power, these assets are only going to appreciate with time, except for looks which start to decline around 58-66, depending how you age. From there on, sex is a semi-hard asset because it caters exclusively to a woman (not transferable to the success of children, and only partially effecting her lifestyle). Then come "soft" assets which provide only weak support for your negotiating power in dating or relationships. Those are things like:

    - I speak 2 languages

    - I play the piano

    - I was in the top 5% of my law school class

    - I'm highly intellectual and emotionally intelligent

    - I'm an outstanding conversationalist and social entertainer

    - I'm funny, easy-going, and love both dogs and cats

    I mean, all those things are nice, but not a legitimate reason for any man to walk around and strut his stuff like he's somebody that's worth it. You have to be aware of your negotiating power as a man because it's the only real foundation for your self-confidence. Work on developing it, be fair to yourself when evaluating it (don't go on neither "I'm worth it" nor "I'm a loser" rants), and anything you want from women is just a natural and effortless consequence of who you really are as a man.

    • I hope this video helps: link

    • Thanks bro! This answer is a godsend. I just had a HORRIBLE night at the clubs (long story) and I needed a little pick me up.

    • lmao with that snl video.

  • I'm not sure what exactly you're aiming for. Do you want to get laid, or do you want a meaningful relationship (sex included, obviously)?

    If you just want to get laid, intelligent and confident women are the way to go. Have you talked to unintelligent and insecure women? Go ahead, rehearse the routine: "marriage, commitment, I'm not that easy, I'm not that kind of girl, I'm worth it, I have respect for myself, etc." In a sense, I guess it's "fun" - if you want to call it that in some sick sadistic sense - to toy around with such types like a cat plays with a toy mouse, only the mouse is her ego. But, why would you want to flex your manipulative muscles on such low game? Save that for business, not women. If you want to just get laid, there are plenty of down-to-earth, intelligent (and I mean super intelligent), and confident (not egotistical or arrogant, not fake confident, but genuinely content with themselves) women out there who can 100% comfortably reject the media and conservative social pressures around them. No, they're not feminists who want to castrate you. They're usually also loner women who can't get along well with other women, because they find other women irritating, or bisexual women (not hardcore bi women, just ones that experimented once or twice, or are just aware they find other women sexually attractive). They'll appreciate your honesty, feel safe, and will get right to the point.

    As for dating, let me ask you this: "if you see a woman who is genuinely mentally retarded, I mean psychiatric evaluation came back, she's not crazy or anything, but she has the IQ of someone 5 years younger and the emotional intelligence of a 16 year old girl, but she is the hottest thing you've ever seen in your life, how do you feel?" Are you frustrated? Annoyed? Why? Is it because you wish you could comfortably stoop down to her intellectual and emotional universe in order to tap that, or because you wish she could somehow come up to your intellectual and emotional universe in order for you to tap that? Some things are just not worth it, and time not wasted on the wrong people is time you have to search for and spend with the right people. I know it sounds cliche', but it's true.

    Also, don't trust women on dating advice. They're not men. Do you hear men telling their sister: "Be sure to blow him on the second date, and seriously, cut out that sexual waiting period, it's annoying and is more likely to make a guy leave you than make him think of you as worth it or relationship/wife material, even if he genuinely appreciates you and wants you as a person." (As true as that may be, we don't say it for different reasons). However, you do hear women telling, even their brother or son: "Make sure to respect women, because we both know that ALL MEN ARE JERKS & A**HOLES! Don't treat her badly, etc." Thanks sis/mom, but err umm, what about advice for me here? (It's useless self-service advice, or it's fluffy and meaningless).

    • Good advice bro. Unfortunately I was raised by a dominate mother who behaved the exact same way you wrote in the last paragraph. But I"m a 30 year old man now, got to grow up and not blame anybody (not even myself) but move forward, mature and focusing on success.

      I want a meaningful relationship with sex. Believe or not I'm capable of being a promiscuous d***...but I don't like it. I rather be true self to a woman and have her appreciate/respect me AND BE HAPPY TO SLEEP WITH ME.

  • Ever seen girls with ticking bio clocks over their heads? Yes you have. Attractive? Hardly. That's what you got going, for no underlying biological reason, pretending you're all fine. Swat that thing.

    You think females can't tell when you're pretending to be outgoing, silly, etc.? Same as you, they have millennia of evolution - they FEEL you all the way to the core. It is important to be content with yourself, and to truly respect yourself - which means to not having one iota of self-pity. You literally have to become okay with yourself to die a loner (and so to have other fulfilling things in your life) - once you are past that fear you become truly, genuinely 100% your own person - which isn't merely gravitating, it's irresistible.

    Learning to dance properly is a good exercise - one you stop trying to move to the beat of the music and start moving because you can't help it, you'll get the feeling. Oh and you can meet some girls there. :)

    • That's was good advice, direct and little painful to hear...but no sugarcoat...but yet relate-able. a few months after I wrote this I started taking anti depressants. Not that I'm a fan of chemicals. I resisted it for a long, long time. But for the first time, I truly DO NOT CARE. I could die a loner. A few years ago the idea scared the bejesus out of me but now it doesn't.

    • Cheers, mate. Take that dance idea seriously, fill your live with other cool things worth living for in their own right, and as your satisfaction builds, ratchet down the chems accordingly. You do not want to be numb - just content enough to not push anyone away. If you never ever feel bad you're missing an important, constructive regulation mechanism - yet docs are very trigger happy on dosage. Just keep that in mind. You're in the driver's seat.

  • NothingGoldCanStay said it all, its pretty much like that I am telling you. But he forgot to add something, don't give up! Unfortuantely there isn't a clear cut way to get a girlfriend, you just simply cannot get any girl you want, its impossible. So yes rejection will happen even if you have everything perfctly calivered, it might be that she doesn't like white guys, or it might be she doesn't feel like talking to a guy right now, maybe she is weird and doesn't like talking to guys, too shy, maybe she has too much emotional baggage etc; nothing that you have control off, so it may not necessarily be your fault at all. Yeah in relationships luck is just one of those really important factors, sometimes you score, sometimes you don't.

  • +1 for realizing that women give HORRIBLE dating advice lol...

    I would only consider myself mildly "successful" with women... but the 2 main things that got me back in the sack - money (yep, you're gonna need this) and self-confidence. Keep pursuing but at the same time act like you don't give a sh*t.

    • I'm actually not bad at self confidence. I can approach women. Money however has driven me to get a job I don't like (my old job as mma fighter I did like/hate...but it didn't pay sh*t)

  • i don't really have any success stories, but changing your outlook is the only thing you need to change. don't be so effected by women, when you do that, then they start paying attention to you. just be in your own mindset, worry about more important things, they will follow you.