Have been dating guy intensely over last 3 months. Last Fri. he tells me now he has serious doubts. Strange?

I'm 31 and the guy I was dating is 40. We were dating intensely, seeing each other 3x/week. He would send me cute msgs when he was thinking of me during the day. On New Year's Eve we exchanged xmas gifts because I had been away (though we were in contact every day). He included a card saying he looked forward to us having good times together in 2009.

We had a nice night out NYE and spent 11 hours together the next day. All conflict free and all with him extending the time by saying - let's do this, movie, go to my friends etc. In fact we were planning a wknd trip which would be in 2 weeks which was his idea.

Then on Friday he comes to tell me he is having serious doubts. It turns out he has had a history of commitment problems and while he doesn't know we will work out long term, he is having a huge gut reaction with doubts.

Is it normal for a guy to come out of nowhere? Don't breakups usually come preceded by a withdrawal, less time together, less sex? Bizarre?

he contacted me on saturday with some feedback about my being impatient which was a factir for him having some of his doubts too. We traded some msgs and he mentioned he would def miss having sex with me. he loved my body, thought it was perfect.
Now he is texting and tonight ended saying he is picturing me in thigh highs for a bit before he goes to sleep. I am not responding but if it keeps will ask why all attn despite serious doubts huh? Fair?


Most Helpful Girl

  • Some people freak out because things are going TOO well. They break it off and run away at the drop of a hat. Others let it peter out. It's different for everyone. This guy seems to have some commitment issues of some sort. I think it would be wise to leave this guy alone. Dealing with people who are hot and cold like this is not ideal and can take it's toll on you emotionally.

    • I definitely agree - yes this is not cool behavior. I honestly he might have liked me more than I even liked him because of his behavior. The long relationships I have had started like this with the guy quite into me and showing it. He did this up till the day before and so I really don't understand it. WTF really? Most of our 2hr call was him talking about feeling obligations but said I gave him no pressure. Then he followed up a bit Saturday with some texts. crazy?

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    • Sexual...did he ask how you were doing?

    • I would say mostly. The starting msg was ok but since then, they are flirty and tending towards sexual which is ok if that's what I want. I don't know about that though.

Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 2

  • He only has doubts about committing to an exclusive relationship.

    He's very happy to see you in thigh highs occasionally. But don't expect anything more.

    • Ha - yes - I am logical enough and hear him last week so I"m not going to be hooked into it. I'll just watch for entertainment (i.e. his msgs). If I have to set him straight, I'll do it. I decided I will not have a no strings attached situation in my mind already. I'm glad he "showed his cards" so I have the info to work with now. I"ll just watch to see if he confirms my suspicions/assumptions. I'm not particularly upset or angry at this point.

  • I have a few questions about your relationship with this guy.

    How long were you dating him?

    Can you define this guy's "commitment issues"? That phrase can mean a lot of different things.

    • It was only 3 months but it was intense. Usually for me I have a few dates or a few years of dating because usually when a guys pursues me like that and keeps giving me positive feedback, plans trips etc., he is very interested (esp. as I am just responding). he iniitated 90% of dates and paid for 90%. His last rel. was with a friend of 12 years for 2 years and he said ended because he had more energy. previous one the woman wanted them to go to couples therapy because he could commit.

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    • Your dilemma is a perfect example of why I think it's best to not have sex for 2-3 months with a new person.

      Women put things backwards, assuming sex = intimacy. Causes a lot of heartache. If you postpone sex until you have a serious commitment, you can filter out guys who are more interested in sex, and find guys who are more interested in sharing their life with you.

      Good luck with your situation.

    • I waited one month to have sex, so yes 2-3 months is better I'm sure but I didn't see it as quick. Someone could have had the same number of dates in that time because of the amount of time I saw him then. But when I hear his history, I don't think it is even that as much as he has never really been able to fully commit. As I said he is only the 3rd guy I've slept with. I used the same method for the other two. They showed me strong interest in the same time frame but those lasted over 2 years each.

What Girls Said 2

  • i know I am younger then you.. and it may seem "stupid" to take advice from me.. but with 5 brothers.. and probably more men then you have in my black book.. lol I can tell you that men are not confusing creatures.. if he wanted to be in a relationship he would be. and in this case he seems not to want to be.. leave him a lone unless you are fine with just being his friend with benefits.

  • He sounds like the guy that I was just seeing. Down to a T. Run for the hills :)