Is silence the standard response?

Basically I met this guy from a dating site, amazingly we really hit it off at the first meeting. Though we only planned for a coffee, it dragged on for several hours, then spilled into dinner, with him pushing back his plans to meet his buddies for drinks.

Long story short, he tried to kiss me several times, but I pushed him away, I told him he was going too fast. Later I also told him he was drunk and not to push it. (He was pretty tipsy, I was sober as I don't drink alcohol). I come from a reasonably conservative culture and I'm fairly reserved, and I didn't expect this (sudden strong emotion, him being pretty physical), so I was feeling very confused and unsure.

When we parted, he looked rather sad. I sent him an email a day later, saying I enjoyed his company but I was uncomfortable with his physical advances then. It might have been a bit harsh for a guy ? I hadn't really cooled off.

When I did, I felt really bad about how he must have felt, I did push him away several times. I sent him another email about a week after the meeting, saying I did like him and would have liked to see him again, and that I was sorry I pushed him away then, explaining I was uncertain and overwhelmed.

Anyway, I haven;t received any reply from him at all. I don't think I ever will hear from him again. But I wonder, do most guys react this way and just ignore if they can? Or would they have replied, however coldly? I'm 36 and this guy is 44.

Thanks for all the helpful comments so far! Aside from the above question, I guess I'm also asking if you reckon it's a salvageable situation ? Though I suppose my only option is to leave it well alone, as I've also tried to call him once and left a voice mail.
I did just leave and moved on. Now he calls back 2 weeks later and invites me to dinner, saying he'll explain everything then. (!)

Thanks all for the input, I did find it insightful. :)


Most Helpful Guy

  • I don't know how I would have reacted to your second e-mail, but based on how the date ended, and your first e-mail, I would have just moved on as well.

    I would normally expect a first date going well to end with a kiss at the least. A date that I thought was going super well, going on, being extended ... then a rejected kiss followed up by an e-mail saying you were uncomfortable with a kiss at the end of such a prolonged date ... I'd take it as 'she's not interested in me physically' and move on.

    • I see. I reacted badly because of his first kiss, moving between drinks and dinner, he grabbed me without warning and kissed me. That really unsettled me, as I mentioned, I wasn't expecting it. The last (4th), was in front of all the restaurant staff, then I really felt awkward. I gave him a light kiss, granted nothing romantic or hot. As suggested I just tried to call but I guess it's an opportunity gone.

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    • Hahaha, yes after reading your replies, I had considered that route, since technically I have nothing left to lose, except some pride, and because I am about 90% sure he was interested. But do you reckon I should give him at least a week to cool off?

      As to what I'd say, I really don't know yet. I don't want to give him ideas that I'm going to jump into bed straight away either!

    • Heh a silly thought, I could link him this page in an email... OK really silly thought.

Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 3

  • You hurt his ego

    I would feel a little down and like I'm not good enough

    The emails would be taken as "she's just trying to be nice"

    • HI thanks for your reply! Even the second email where I apologized and said I would have liked to see him again? I'm afraid if I push it any further, he's going to take it as desperation instead.

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    • Our ego is very important

      If you ever wanna keep a man, make him feel like he's the greatest ever

      Best at everything


    • If you wanna keep him

      Make him feel like a MEIN!

  • well it would hurt my ego I'm pretty sure. if I did see the emails as something more then just being nice and decided to make plans to get together, I seriously doubt I would ever try to kiss her again.

    I would of course be aware of this before making plans for the second time so why would I make those plans?

    • But I did tell him I was overwhelmed and confused that night. And I apologized for pushing him away and hurting him. So is it really impossible to forgive a girl for being unsure on the first date?

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    • Thank you for your answer. If he met me again, I'd kiss him first thing anyway. ;p I'm not against it, just unsure that night. But now, I can't even get him to reconsider. And I'm at a loss as to what to do.

    • yeah that kinda sucks, might not be much you can do.

  • Silence is easier than dreaming up something to say.

    • Hi, you're the same age as he is, so it's nice to hear your opinion. :) I suppose it's always seems easier for guys to move on... taken that both are interested. Or so it seems from my side of the fence...

    • Aside from all this, there's a saying - if you resist temptation it may never return. If he feels he tried with you, he may also have felt he failed - you're not interested. Email is impersonal. If you want to confront him, you have to do it face to face. Of course in our 30s and 40s meeting someone is more difficult. You'll find people who have either given up or aren't interested. But again if you want to reach him - you have to talk to him. No "messages" - you saw the results.

    • I agree. I too prefer to have a face to face discussion, after all we're all mature and perhaps more aware of what we want. But if he doesn't answer the phone, I'm at a loss to see how I can possibly get him to meet me. I was thinking of giving him (and myself) some time... and then try once more to invite him to dinner (again a message but... ).

What Girls Said 3

  • Email? Call him! an email is used for work purposes, not for feelings. He could be embarrassed by how he acted or he could just be turned off by the situation and not want to take things any further. The only way for you to find out is to talk to him, don't email him. If he doesn't pick up, leave a message. No call back or a response that isn't him trying to make things work and he is standoffish; leave it be and walk away.

    • Thanks for your encouragement! Wouldn't calling him now come across as desperate, or even worse, stalking ? It is only 1 meeting and I'd already sent him 2 emails about it. I'd sent the second email yesterday. I'm in a bind because I realize I actually do like him.

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    • I took the plunge and called him. Kind of expected him not to answer and he didn't. Left a friendly voice mail and asked him to call if he's free. Unfortunately, it doesn't look promising. :/ Oh well.

    • If he doesn't return the call, of well you at least tried. Pick yourself back up and find someone new, one that doesn't make you feel uncomfortable.

  • In my opinion,i don't think there was anything wrong with you saying NO.So there was no need for apologizing for rejecting his advances.A REAL gentalman would have taken the hint the first time around.It sounds like his pride is hurt by you being blunt concerning his actions that day and he may even be embarrassed.This guy sounds immature on some level despite his age,and sometimes people just ignore an individual as a way of erasing the incident,occurrance or occasion.I wouldn't say most guys are like this...some are a great deal more evolved.

    • Thank you for your support. Yes I realize now, probably too late, that I've most likely hurt him more than he is willing to forgive. He's actually my first date from a dating site, so I was more wary and really not expecting anything. I guess I'm also wondering if I can salvage the situation.

    • You can talk to him about it if you want.But my opinion is the same.Leave it as it is.

    • Hah, though I do want to talk to him, he didn't answer the phone. So yes, I've left it as it is. The "great deal more evolved" types are truly few and far in between. I've known a few, it's wonderful to have them as friends (cos all of them are already married!).

  • I think perhaps maybe he was only looking for sex? No decent minded man would, even if he was thinking about sex, would really expect it on the first meeting, except if the woman was only looking for that.Of course he looked sad, you didn't give him what he was expecting. You did the right thing, glad you didn't drink, because you might have sone something foolish. Smart woman. Any man who makes moves on me on the first date isn't worth my time.

    • Heh, I actually was worried I would run into someone like that, hence I was quite wary. But I honestly think he was sincere. And the guys' replies made me reconsider the situation, and I think they're probably right.