Expectations in a casual relationship?

I've never had a casual relationship...maybe what I've discovered is that I am not cut out for it.

I started talking to a great guy four months ago, via Match. We hit it off and were soon talking daily, about everything from politics to sex, religion, cooking, etc. He told me that I was beautiful, that he loved how smart I was and how he could tell me anything, etc, and that I was a little bit his "world" because I was the only person he talked to every day. I felt the same, but as a person who has three times before given up her career dreams for a man, I wanted to be upfront...so I told him I wanted to keep things casual for now, because I don't know where I'll be next year (I expect to move for graduate school/job). He said he guessed he kind of felt the same, being in a transitional job situation.

Then, quite reasonably, he pulled back after this...texting still, flirting still, telling me "night, doll," but less frequency. Sometimes telling me he'd buzz me the next day and then not doing so for few days. The thing is, I started to miss the hell out of him sometimes...I would run across an article I'd want to talk to him about or a funny joke I wanted to share, or some book that we had talked about...and I'd want to talk to him, but didn't want to be all needy.

We made plans for NYE and I asked, about a month ago, if we were still on...because of the pulling back. He said yes, and that he'd just been distracted by an upcoming layoff and was worried. On Christmas day, he texted and we talked for a bit and then he said he'd text the next day...on the 29th, having not heard from him, I started to feel like I was about to be stood up.

I texted him finally on the 29th and he never brought up NYE. Yesterday, we talked and I told him how I felt...and kind of laid things out. I told him that if he was no longer into me, fine. It would suck, but rejection is part of life. I said if it really was the job issue, no worries. I was happy to come see him and f*** his brains out for some therapy...and that if the problem was that I wanted to keep things casual and he wanted more (which is what my gut was telling me), that I was sorry...that I didn't need a freedom to f*** card, but needed to make sure I followed through on my dreams this go-round.

His response was that he, down from the job situation, is on meds...meds that have embarrassing side effects and that's why he'd been acting the way he has. I still feel hurt, and I now feel like an a**hole as well. I told him that I was sorry, and that I saw him as so much more than a f***...that I would rather be with him and not have sex than be with someone else and have it. I guess what I have discovered is that I really care for him...and again, may not be cut out for casual after all.

Right now, he seems to want space, and I am giving it to him...and I am brokenhearted as hell. A guy buddy of mine is calling BS on my man's story...said if the guy wanted to see me, he'd deal. Thoughts?


Most Helpful Guy

  • Most guys would not make up a story saying that their penis didn't work right, it's very very embarrassing to a guy not to be able to get an erection no matter what the cause of not being able to get one are. Your guy friend is right most guys would try to satisfy their girl in other ways if they couldn't get hard but that's with somebody you have sex with regularly or if you're caught with impotence by surprise. A guy isn't going to start a brand new sexual relationship knowing he's not going to be able to get an erection for the girl the first time.

    I'm guessing this guy has been in relationships before and done the dating scene before since you met on a match site. When dating women when they say they just want to stay casual it's code for "this is going no further than it already has" so an experienced guy backs off or maybe even totally stops talking to her if he's looking for more than just another friend. Lots of girls will still try to be friends but the guy doesn't really want to do that because he's preoccupied trying to find that girl that will be everything he needs.

    There could be a few things going on here, he fears investing time with you because you're not seeming available enough for a serious relationship, he fears trying to start anything because of his erection problem, his depression and stress are making him not be able to deal with anything right now especially the stress of trying to impress and woo in a new girl.


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What Guys Said 1

  • It could very well be a cover story, yes. It could be hiding that it is actually killing him that you don't want anything more.

    It sounds like it's kind of up to you. If you really do want to focus on career etc., then avoid him back- in my experience trying to make it work when you both want different things well, won't work, unless you put in the effort that will mess up careers plans anyway.

    How does what you feel for him compared to the other guys you've experienced? If the good kind of different maybe think about whether you can be more with him and a career. If he is a "right" guy for you, he'll understand?

    • Thanks for the feedback. My friend called BS, because he said if he was having issues like that, he'd still want to see a girl he liked...he just would do other things to satisfy her, if necessary. As far as how much I like him, I think time away might make that more clear for me...whether I am just hurt by rejection, or really into him.

    • Time does work pretty well like that. It doesn't look like he's too pushed for time. Not sure about his story either...

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