He's just not that into you.. Guys how accurate is that book?

Well obviously there is this book out and a new movie about this. I was wondering though, how accurate is it? Like the saying that says if a guy friend requests you on myspace or facebook it's kinda like a not as tactful way. It's more like a booty call. Or if a guy really liked you immediately he would call you, email you, or instant message you right away if he liked you. I'm just wondering because there is this guy that I met and I added him on facebook and left a message. He didn't respond back but accepted my friend request. Then it showed we were online at the same time but he didn't even message me. Know that we've only talked to each other once and that was about a week ago. That's how long we've really known each other. Is he just not that into me? If so, I want to move on.

There's this event this Sunday night with a bunch of my friends. He's kinda new in town so I was going to ask and see if he wanted to go. I'll probably come off looking too desperate but my attitude is, "Let the person know. If not, ur wasting time."


Most Helpful Guy

  • Not entirely true. Remember aguy doestn want to appear desperate to the girl. So even girls I realy like I will wait at least 3 days to email back or call the very first time. This will stop after I know the girl for a while but at the beggining there is a wait. Also notice the hidden compliment in the title of the book.I've seen books written by women that say she doesn't like you. Or guys your waisting you time. Notice with us guys its not as harsh. He's just not that into you could mean that there is a side of your personality he has never seen and because you are wuite around him or shy he isn't into the girl your showing him. Believe me just because a guy isn't into you today doesn't mean that can't change. With a little work you can make a guy fall for you. Ill give you a real life example. I was at a club one time and there was this girl kinda just standing ther looking at t eh dance floor with a depressed look on her face. She realy didn't seem that happy. My friend said would you talk to her. I said ahh I'm realy not that intrerested. Notice I didn't say I don't like her. Guys realy don't feel hostility towards girls unless you give them a reason to. Its kinda nuetral indifference. Like the way you feel about the people at a party who seem friendly but are on the other side of the room. About an hour later I see another girl on the dance floor. Clapping her hands togeather smiling and happy. This other girl seemed much more upbeat then the first. I talked to her for about 15 minnutes asked her out and we went out on a date later that week. After I got her number and left the club with my friends my friend informed me that the girl who I asked out was the same girl I want realy into an hour earlier. What changed? When I saw the girl an hour earlier she seemed kinda depressed. An hour later she was having fun. The change was so drastic I did not even realize it was the same person. So just because a guy isn't into you now doesn't mean he won't be with a little bit of happyness and upbeatness you can change a guys mind about you.

    • Thanks. The thing though is he saw my fun side. I was very friendly and outgoing. We were laughing and having a good time. He said he hoped to see me again. I don't get why guys worry so much about seeming desperate. It's only desperate if you call us every hour on the hour or sufficate us. It's not desperate to call a girl or message her if you like her. I don't get those rules. And I never will. I believe in straighforwardness and honesty. But it just seems to screw me over sometimes.

Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 11

  • I haven't read the book, but the female friends claim it's good. However, there IS a problem that I find with it.

    Supposedly, there's the idea that if the guy doesn't try to have sex with you by the third date, he's not interested. To me, that's a bad idea. It's telling girls that the guy isn't interested if you're not having sex with him by the third date, so you should be doing it by then. We already have too many people with STD's in this world.

    Me, I would not see myself ever trying to have sex with any girlfriend. Wife? I would go for it, yes. Girlfriend? No. I don't even kiss till the end of the second date, and I used to be so shy I wouldn't kiss till the third.

    And I liked those girls. I still don't want to sleep with them until I find a woman I would marry.

    Really, I have little interest in reading a book geared toward women.

    • Excellent observations. I agree!

    • Eeek!! I read the book last night and it doesn't say straight out that no sex by the third date is a no no. But it does show you how to tell the difference between a guy who just wants you as a friend, the book usues examples of couples who just eat and cuddle, or a future partner who will not want to take his hands off you in a good way.

  • Its not your fault guys are afraid of being desperate. You see if every girl had your attitude trust me guys would be all ovwr you. If only you knew how much we realy like you you would see its very intence. But there are a group of girls who if they even smell desperate or as they call it clingy they won't give the guy another look. The problem is we never know which girl is which because no one says I hate clingy guys at a first date. But when girls say why they didn't call back that is a major reason. We don't like having to go by these rules. And if you let a guy know it'd ok believe me you will get a lot of affection. And you will see how we realy are. Let the guy know your not like those girls who think being affectionet is to clingy.

    • But how do I do that? By showing interest, I thought that would be enough. I'm not creepy or anything, I just send a "hey how are u? It was nice to meet you. maybe we can hang out sometim I've done everything to let them know I'm interested to only have it backfire. Therefore, I get stuck with the jerks. The players seem to LOVE that, but the ones I really want to be with seem intimidated or not interested. The nice ones who I'm going for seem to get put off when I let them know I'm interested.

    • Wow, I have had some thirty something men tell me that recently. Is it maybe an age thing? We don't like going by the rules either. lol

  • Remember when a girl intimidates a guy or is agresive it is not that the guy doesn't like the girl. Its that he is doubting himself. He is probobly istting at home right now wondering if he should call or what he can say without turning you off. Girls think that when there aggresive they are turning of guys. This isn't true. When a girl is aggresive with a guy and a guy doesn't call back its almost always one thing. Self Doubt. The guy is doubting his own ability to meet your expectations. Guys don't talk about this but it is true. So realize his lack of responce is not him sitting at home saying o my god what a turn off this girl showed to much interest. Trust me that isn't happening. What he is probly saying is how do I not mess up on this infront of you, how do I not say this wrong infront of you. What if she doesn't like my habbits. So in other words keep at him. Don't stop persuing him. Eventualy his own self doubt will dwindle. And a guy like this is very acheivable you just have to keep at them. Mention doing something casual like getting lunch. Make sure it is stress free. The stress he is feeling is from wanting to impress you but not feeling he is good enough. We guys do this so often we put the girl on a pedastal so high that we make it impossible to reach. What I just told you is the reality. But guys are embarassed to talk about it.

    • How do we know the guy even likes her? She shouldnt just keep pursuing him if she's not getting anything back that will make her look stupid, he can return the favor too

  • W o w .

    I feel like putting on a referee jersey, running out there, blowing a whistle, & yelling "Penalty -- way over analyzing the situation!"

    That was my overactive imagination there.

    Let's review what you said, and I'll provide some answers...

    "Like the saying that says if a guy friend requests you on myspace or facebook it's kinda like a not as tactful way. It's more like a booty call."

    I think what you're saying is "If a guy 'friend requests' you on Facebook or Myspace, he sees you as a booty call."

    Did I understand that correctly? Correct me if I'm wrong.

    I say that whenever I send out a friend request on Facebook or Myspace, it's to add that person as a friend. Nothing more, nothing less. I might have a huge crush on her, I might not find her attractive at all. (It's important to note that on Facebook/Myspace, I only 'friend' people that I know in real life.)

    "Or if a guy really liked you immediately he would call you, email you, or instant message you right away if he liked you."

    What's 'right away'? Within a week? I try to contact a girl within the first week. However if you're expecting a guy to contact you in the same day of receiving your number/friend request/etc. then don't hold your breath.

    "Then it showed we were online at the same time but he didn't even message me."

    This is what concerns me.

    I mean...he didn't message you. So what?


    -He was online but away from his computer (and thus didn't know that you were on).

    -He was at his computer however he wasn't looking to chat with ANYONE at the time, and didn't bother even looking at who was available online to chat.

    -He thought you might be busy & didn't want to bother you.

    -He was waiting for you to initiate the chat. (Maybe he's shy. Maybe he likes you & thinks you might not like him that way.)

    I'm concerned because you seem to be making a mountain out of a mole hill.

    "Is he just not that into me? If so, I want to move on."

    I don't think there's anyway to tell based on the info you've given. Just ask him out. Then you'd know and could make a decision at that point.

    • I very much agree, and there's also the possibility that he was online but for some reason didn't even get her message.

  • That has to be the most inaccurate-damaging book of all times.

    The answer: It depends. Every guy is different. People should just communicate more and find out by communicating instead of trying to "read" what the other person is thinking.

    So just ask.

    You'll only come across desperate if you do it in a desperate way. If you ask him only in passing (without expecting anything either way, like you would ask a friend), you're fine.

  • As I guy I would not even go anywhere near this book ;)

    But another girl asked kind of a similar question but layed the focus on rules from the book. She mentioned 10 points and I would only agree to one. And everybody thinks different about it. So you can just bin that book and it`s "rules"

  • This book, if I am not mistaken, is written by the same guys that write for Sex and the City.

    While it may be entertaining, I hardly think writing for a sitcom makes you a relationship expert.

    The problem with hard rules like this is that guys are told that if you DO like a woman you shouldn't call immediately to not seem overeager. This is sometimes a tactic in a "player's" system, but often not either. If a guy gave you his number and you didn't call him immediately, would that mean you weren't interested in him and he should immediately drop you? Of course not!

    Some guys are just shy as well, especially when we're younger some to the point where we need a woman to call us. Not because we aren't interested, but because we're scared.

    I'm sure it has some valid points and I think the idea is for you to not waste your time but like any rules, they should be treated more as a general guideline and not as unbendable.

  • umm sounds like what I do when I get a message, he probably knows its there, and knows who its from, but, doesn't think a big deal about it, if I get an e-mail or a message, and I know who its from, I read it, and I don't respond right away, its because I either don't know what to say at that time, or just don't feel its important enough to write back asap

    hes probably doing that, and or he's just not interested

  • being straightforward is good, but... it can also scare him away, afterall you don't want to "scare your deer away" if you are to try and catch it right?, just don't seem to needy etc... and he'll come around

  • the book is nothing but a load of f***.

  • That book is full of crap.


What Girls Said 8

  • No NO NO. Wrong; in regards to the book. From my experience (and trust me on this!), a guy who is interested in you will not always 'immediately' call you, email you, or IM you.

    There was this guy who really liked me (basically, it was SO obvious from his suggestions, gaze, body language and all his friends told me *sigh*) but he never added me on Facebook. I knew why. He was too shy and didn't want to look obvious. So I helped the poor guy out and added him myself (BIG mistake). Anyway, the point is, just because a guy is interested in you DOES NOT mean he will immediately call you etc.

    Secondly, I think a friend request on Myspace can frequently be a bootycall. However, not the case for Facebook. On Myspace, you see occasionally this random guy wanting to add you or he either comments you..sleaze...But for Facebook, people just add. The meaning: just a simple add. Sure the person adding could like you, but it's not a booty call.

    However, I do believe 'messaging' is a BIG sign. The fact that he didn't message you back (respond to yours) is a big of a bad sign. From my experience and knowledge, a guy who is interested never fails to respond to the girl's message.

    • So I helped the poor guy out and added him myself (BIG mistake).

      y is that ? :)

    • Good question wanted.

      Frankly, I have no idea... pity, perhaps?

  • I think you should ask him the questions they ask us "so you got a girlfriend?" Those rules are bunk. The only time you appear desparate is when the guy is making it perfectly clear he doesn't like you, by saying he just wants to be friends. Kind of like what we do when we aren't into them.

  • the book? Um there's many books out there on the opposite sex...all seem different. All have their techniques and clues/answers as to why, who, how, what, and where...but the underlying lesson is all the same:

    If you like him, ask him out. If he says no then move on.

    Don't waste time wondering/analyzing.

    Don't change who you are for anyone else.

    All confidence is, is basic faith in YOURSELF. Be confident.

    Accept whatever you look like, however look like.

    Love all the random things about yourself, and others will love it too.


  • The book isn't really accurate. If all women followed these rules, then so many women would die alone because they couldn't find guys that adhere to all these rules. And is it really fair to expect them to?

  • IT doesn't seem like he is interested in you that much. Guys who are into me send me 8 text messages a day and reply 5 seconds after I send them a text. He may be busy working on someone else at the moment. Your best bet is to forget about him.

    • Thanks. That's what I was thinking. But like I said, it's only been a week. so hmmm.. oh well. This seems to happen all the time. Maybe I'll try online dating. lol

    • I am 38 and so grateful for the man who have posted and revealed that in fact men do get scared to call. I have read that book and saw the movie and I wish I never did; rather than being upfront with a man I am falling for, I sit back and think "if he is not calling me he does not want me", but I am realizing this is a human being with fears too. Thank you!

  • If he liked you he would have responded to your message. He might be trying to wait it out but he should have talked to you by now. I wouldn't ask him to go anywhere until he writes you back

    • Yeah. Well I'm kinda thinking he's not interested. It's okay though. I'm gonna move on. :) I bounce back pretty quickly.

  • Well what did you say in the message? Did you write it so he had to respond back?

    • Well it was just like "So I added you because we have some common friends. I really enjoyed talking to you the other night. It was nice meeting you." I thought he might put something like "Yeah. You too!" But whatever. We talked for like an hour about just life in general. Everytime I said something he'd be like "Don't get down on yourself. We all make mistakes. By the way, I'm the same way." And he also said he was single right away and asked how old I was. Who knows though. I'm done analyzing this.

  • If he's not making the effort, especially if he takes forever and a day to write back a simple 'Hi'; which lets face it takes less brain cells than it does to blink; than he's not interested. If he can't bring himself to even be friendly, he's sending a noncommunicative message that he isn't interested. My suggestion is just be who you are, if he didn't fall over himself to talk to you then he's an idiot and sadly isn't interested in making a move. Move on darlin! Believe me that is really hard to say because I am in the same process of analyzing my own "he's just not that into you" with two guys...It sucks I know.

    • Thanks. Actually, I realized this and moved on because there was another guy who was sending all the signs but I wasn't giving him a chance. I finally am starting to, and you know what? He's great. We're taking it slow but I'm positive he likes me because he's invited me to many parties with him already. So we'll see where it goes. He is definitely making more of an effort than this guy was.

    • Yay! good for you!