Should I Take the Risk or Move On?

I live in the south, but my family lives in the Northeast. I visted over the holidays, and met somebody. We went out for drinks, and ended up spending the whole night together.

It was the perfect date: intense attraction, instant intellectual and emotional connection. When we said goodbye, I truly felt as if I was waking up out of a dream, our time together was just so unexpected and amazing!

He emailed me the morning we said farewell, expressing the same sentiment, that our time together felt like a sweet dream, and that he'd like to stay in touch. It's been about 2 weeks, and we've exchanged a texts, Facebook messages, and chatted online. But it's clear we are both still just trying to live our normal lives; we are not obsessing or over communicating.

Where I'm at right now, I can't get this guy out of my head! I've had a small taste of something good, and I want more.

>>Advice needed: I'm contemplating planning a three day weekend trip up to visit him next month, obviously giving him a heads up in advance, if he's open to it. I feel like it would let me get this out of my system and reassess whether the chemistry is really as good as I thought it was and worth trying to start some sort of "relationship" with him. And if he's not open to me visiting, well then I know for sure to move on already. I need a perspective from someone who's judgement is not as clouded as mine: is this a good or a bad idea?

*Important: I'm 24 and single. My situation and income gives me flexibility to travel at will on weekends and for vacation. He is 36, divorced father of four, and has significant financial obligations to his family. While the last thing I want is to end up "chasing" this guy, I feel like for a first visit it would be much easier for me to go see him. Especially since I have family in the area I can stay with for free. I guess depending on how the proposed visit went, I would try to discuss if there's any interest in continuing getting to know each other via long distance and seeing each other again in the future. At least then I would have some answers.

*Also: In an email he said "I would love for our paths to cross again," and in a chat he mentioned flight prices, albeit in a somewhat joking manner, but who would take the time to look up flight prices if the desire wasn't there underlying? I guess that's just my interpretation, but again infatuation leads to irrationality, which is why I'm here.

I feel like this is the only way for me to get the clarity I need. But at the same time I know I am being driven by somewhat irrational forces. I'm not naive, I keep telling myself "this guy has flaws, just like everyone does, you just didn't have time to see them." I'm torn here, because the chemistry that I had with him, well it's really hard to to find someone you click with in this world, most people can relate to that. I feel like if I don't explore it, I'll spend the rest of my life wondering!

Rational, Unbiased perspectives appreciated!


Most Helpful Girl

  • Before you jump into anything, I would seriously consider what would happen if you do go and you two hit it off again. Is it realistic to think that a long distance relationship such as this will work or are you willing to move to where he is? It seems as if you have no familial obligations (kids) that would prevent you from moving but it would likely keep him from compromising to be with you (as it should if he is a good father).

    You are also very young. The age difference is insignificant to me because it is just a number. What concerns me is that you two have very different life experiences and likely have different expectations for your lives. He has been married, divorced and has four kids. I am assuming at 24 that you haven’t yet been married. You at some point may want to marry and have children and he may have no desire to do that again. As a divorced woman with children I hate to use a cliché that I wouldn’t want used on me, but he is instant family. How will you feel when you have to share him with 4 other people that were in his life before you and (if he is a good father) should be the most important people in his life? Are you ready to be a step mom to 4 kids?

    Everything is dreamy and great right now, but when real life sets in are you still going to feel the same? Ask yourself some tough questions and think through them realistically without that head in the clouds aspect. If you can do this without compromising your answers because of the new relationship butterflies, then check with him and plan your trip. But remember that he probably gets his kids every other weekend so it may not be as easy for him to make weekend plans as it is for you.

    I’m not saying don’t explore this…I am just saying think it through a little more. Maybe spend a little more time finding out where he stands on the future before you spend any time (or money) traveling to see him. I can tell you from experience that dating again after divorce and children is a totally different thing than dating the first time around. Before he gets at all serious with you he will consider the impact it will have on his children. Not sure what their ages are but at 36 he could easily have a 14 or 15 year old. That’s where your age may come into play.

    Again, not trying to be a negative nelly….just trying to be realistic and give you a parent’s perspective. Albeit a female one and we all know males and females don’t think the same way! :-)

    • Another consideration is what kind of relationship does he have with his ex. If it is strained, then him bringing in a 24 year old could because major issues.

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What Guys Said 3

  • i say meet up with him one more time to see if your feeling for each other stay the same in more than one meeting of each other and if they do then talk about it with him and see what he thinks and talk about what it would take to make it workout. It can work it would just take alotta commitment. as long as your meeting every weekend or every other weekend, than there definitely a possibility.

  • "36, divorced father of four, and has significant financial obligations to his family."

    No easy life thus: 5 times alimony to pay (4 children and his ex) makes "significant financial obligations " an understatement. Consider him broke.

    I'd say , "See him again if your roads cross by happenstance but don't make a big jump for that to happen.'

  • You guys started way to FAST because you like him it doesn't mean that it will be a lovely relationship plus he is 12 years older than you . So move on , God told us if we call his name he will answer (pray) don't hurt yourself :-)


What Girls Said 1

  • I stopped reading after he is 36 divorced and father of four