You never can HAVE something serious knowing it will be forever from day one right? or am I crazy?

When you meet someone I think it´s impossible to "KNOW" if it is going to be something serious from the first day, right? and really HAVE something serious from day 1, I think that´s so not realistic... or am I not from this world?

Look, I was having a conversation with my boyfriend (we met only 2 months ago!) and this boy I am having a relationship with is telling me he is not feeling "our" thing is something serious already so it will most probably not happen; I laughed and told him "well, I don´t feel anything "serious" as we are only getting to know each other, I like you a lot but we have to see how things go"...

and then he told me the strangest thing: he has only had one serious relationship and there he had something serious from the FIRST day, and because now he is not feeling the same as in that relationship, he things it´s no good sign, so it probably is not going to be serious, but he likes me a lot and he wants to see how things go, beacause he is "looking for a serious relationship"... now that is the strangest thing I have ever heard... I think "how can you base your expectations on comparing a new relationship with a previous one?"

I had a very serious relationship for over 5 years with my ex-boyfriend and that really did NOT AT ALL start with something serious (not even in the first YEAR we were dating, he was just having fun with me and I with him), however we had a very very serious thing going on for 4 years after that period (even living together) and we ended it because my boy was getting too possessive with me in the my current boy is telling me he only had one serious thing and there it was BANG damn serious from day 1, and that it ended bad against what he had expected (almost 3 year relationship, ended 2 years ago)... I told him "hey, don´t look for us the same way is going to happen as it happened with your ex-girlfriend, every relationship is different, serious or not"... and hey if you think about it, "it ended bad" so why are you so obsessed with looking for the same things?... he says he really is over the past relationship and has peace with it being friends with his ex.

Am I wrong? I talked about this to my male friends and they say "the guy is making up excuses, you are not crazy, it´s really NOT that common to have something serious from day 1, I know nobody who had that, look you have to take some time to get to know each other first, to see if it can work out long term... he says he likes you so much, that you know from day one if you are attracted to someone or not, but having something serious from day 1? no way"

I am feeling a bit bad because he thinks this way, it´s obvious he is really into me, I notice that a lot, but really what he is telling me about serious or not, I don´t understand why he thinks like that...Any advice? should I act/say something different?

I know him 2 months - before he was a stranger. We talked about this because he had some bad excuses lately for not see each other as agreed (in the beginning he was overenthusiastic). No problem for me, but I wanted to know if he just used me when he had time, to have fun or really cared and wants to see if this can be something long-term after a time. I know for sure now he cares a lot. But fact he is telling me a “serious” should be known on day one just still makes me wonder (in my head) why.


Most Helpful Guy

  • It's difficult to say when one would say things are "serious" unless you're looking at the logic of the situation.. Like in your case with the ex - you were living with him after a year. I would consider the living with him part being "serious".. The feelings within a relationship wouldn't have any validity in identifying if it's "serious" or not - unless we talk of extremes (e.g. marriage / family / etc)

    So really, I don't know much about your relationship with this guy. Based off the text in this question, I could assume that you care about him, you're just unsure how much he cares about you.

    In my case, when a girl felt that way (of which I was dating/etc) they would always be asking these qualifying questions / actions.. Like trying to talk on the phone with me even though we have nothing to talk about.. Or she would ask directly/indirectly how much I cared about her.. Or say things in order to make me comfort her ( "Oh no that's horrible.. blah blah blah.. you're worth so much more babe" )... etc

    - Everytime this arose in my relationships, I grew a bit more and more distant. I can't necessarily say it's happening in your relationship or not. Like I mentioned above, I'm swinging in the dark because there is so little information you can portray online about two people and how they get along. But all the same, pay attention to how you treat him and whether or not he's going "hot / cold" on you frequently.. Like one week he seems ok.. the next maybe he seems irritated / short / etc.. This might help your situation.

    If you can give me further details on the scenario, or ridicule how much I typed here and set me in the right direction, I'd gladly take a second glance just to see if any new thoughts originate about what may be going on.

    As for you being crazy though, no. You're not. In most cases - relationships start from a high expectation with unknown certainty. We fear whether or not the other person likes us, then from there we decide if this is short-term or long-term.. Then later down the road from that, things START to become serious. You don't go from stranger (OR FRIEND) to "a serious relationship" overnight. There may be very few cases where that DOES in fact happen, but I'm willing to bet that in general it does not happen often.

    ~ ArtistBBoy

    • Thank you so much for answering! you?re right, in my ex case it was "serious" after a while, in the end he even suggested marriage...Yes, about the current guy, I care about him and he a lot about me, he sends me music EVERY day, we see each other a few times a week, but I have my own life of course.I am not expecting him to ask me to marry him after 2 months like my ex did after 4 years, but he thinks it should be normal from day one to do something like that or else it?s probably not long-term

    • It sounds to me like you guys are saying the same things, but have different meanings behind the terms. Serious for him sounds like a family or something else that would last 10+ years, ya know? For you, serious sounds more (to me) like you are talking about serious commitment to each other, like you are planning to work on things and communicate. That's given with the fact that you two are dating, I wouldn't really think it's necessary to worry about whether or not you guys ARE or aren't serious

    • (cont) And the reason I say that is because it sounds like it's making an unnecessary pressure in his mind. Like I explained, it might sound to him like you are wanting marriage/etc.. When he thinks of serious, he might think that way. While with you, it's that you are asking for something of value to what you guys already have established in dating.

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What Guys Said 0

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What Girls Said 3

  • Everyone is different and has different expectations of a relationship. The whole structure of a relationship is developed through expectations built and developed by observing others and through our previous relationships. Considering you both had different time phases for what you class as "serious" to develop then that's now built into your expectations and your relationship blueprint. Learnt this in psychology at college so yes its fine for you both to have different ideas as your from different backgrounds.

    But speaking from personal experience with my current boyfriend of 9 months, we both knew it was a serious relationship that was going to last from around one month of being together. But bare in mind that we had been friends for around 18months before we got together so there was no "getting to know each other" phase like your going through.

    Basically, everyone has different expectations and ways of interpretting elements of a relationship. Its natural. There will be plenty of overlap of what's expected like treating each other with respect, etc. But don't worry about this difference of opinion. Relationships are a complicated thing in reality so just take it one day at a time and let things happen.

    Hope that helps! :)

  • No, people don't 'know' if it's forever the first time they meet someone. That wasn't love he was feeling for her, it was infatuation. Love takes time, infatuation is instant and very intoxicating. If he keeps looking for that 'rush', he's going to be moving from woman to woman. Obviously, that feeling he had did not lead to a successful relationship, so, like you said, it does not make sense for him to chase that feeling. We do silly things to find love though. It's just like the average guy who goes after beautiful women, or the average women who goes after the alpha male. What we want is not always what is best for us. Our perception of who we can attract as a mate, what we deserve in life and love, and what a great relationship should be like, are often very far from reality.

  • It depends, I do think you can infer a lot from the beginning if you are looking to. People who are more mature in their relationship goals and ready to settle down size up a partner a lot faster, and they probably date for shorter amounts of time than people who aren't ready to settle down yet. They are looking for a certain type of person to settle down with, and if a date isn't that type of person they will know right away that they don't see it going anywhere.

    But if you aren't at that point in your life, you probably don't size anyone up like that yet.

    I do, I'm graduating college and I don't really want a commitment unless it is somebody I can really see a future with. Sure you don't know in the first few hours but I can tell in a few dates if there is potential or not. Then again I am a very analytical person and I drive myself crazy thinking about things haha.

    Basically what I do is analyze the situation in its entirety, I see if I like him and if I feel very attracted to him and think we have things in common in terms of life goals, background, etc. The rest flows from there. If all those things are there, there isn't a reason why it doesn't have long term potential.

    Maybe he is attracted to you but you aren't the type of girl he sees himself married to or something. That can happen. Which means he like syou but can't see it getting serious.

    I've had that too, been very attracted to certain guys, but I knew they weren't ones I'd want to settle down with.