Confused about men and what they think of me? OK where to begin..

Ever since I can remember any guys who have been interested in me, seem to really like me lots, and say how much they like me and how great/beautiful I am etc. It seems like the want to be with me then they just turn cold. My mum and others think it is because I am very intelligent and I am interested in art, history, etymology, writing etc pretty nerdy stuff I guess. I am also quite insecure, mainly due to lots of bullying in high school, which again people put down to jealousy of my intellect. I am also very funny according to friends and acquaintances, some saying I could be the female Ant or Dec lol, I always get men who I have spoken to online as more of pen pals etc telling me I am pretty and a guys dream match. Despite being insecure I can honestly say I know I am clever and not unfortunate looking although cannot say how pretty due to insecurities, I know I am funny, I am kind, loving loyal, not a **** but not fridgid, and in a relationship I am 100% loving and faithful. I am a humble person so I don't sit there saying "im so clever" so it isn't like I am being arrogant, and the guys who do this aren't all looking for sex, a lot of them are relationship type men and then a while later they are with someone else who is often not that clever (not being rude just honest)

So I am wondering, is the fact that I enjoy reading and learning new things putting men off? An ex years ago once got angry because I got better GCSE's than him but it wasn't like I sat there going "haha you suck" he asked what I got and I said. When I look for a guy the only intelligence I aim for is that they can spell, I just don't understand! I am 20 and I know I have ages to find a guy to marry and all that but I feel I will never get a guy unless I dumb it down. I recently got out of a 3 year relationship as I was being treated like trash and I have know found out he is a man slag and is going for women who are completely unlike me.

Some people say I am too nice? But I quite like my personality as I am not a mean person, I just don't know what I am doing wrong. As long as a man is faithful and nice I don't care if he works at tesco or NASA lol Please offer insight :) Also the way I have worded this is not how I speak just in case people think that is the problem, unfortunately I was born in Essex and have an Essex accent lol

Meanwhile lots of mean bitchy women have long loving relationships and I sit here like great does this mean I have to be a ***** to meet a nice guy!?

3 months ago

If it came across as arrogant in any way I am very sorry :( I was merely trying to explain well enough to get it to make sense. I'm very shy and insecure and I always put myself down :( sorry if I offended anybody.


Most Helpful Girl

  • About the 'being too nice' bit. I can so relate to this ( I feel like you could be me a *cough* few years ago). I felt the same way, that I liked being nice and I didn't want to have to be someone else just to get a guy. But stubbornness comes in every flavor and what you think of as nice has another name: doormat. Save your niceness for people who earn it. It's hard to admit that something you admire about yourself is flawed, but if you look around you'll see that there are people who are really nice people but who don't put up with being treated like dirt, by schoolmates or boyfriends or anyone. Aspire to be like them. Trust that, since you're naturally nice, you're not going to morph into a b$&+# just by sticking up for yourself. I guarantee you that what *will* happen is that you'll get more respect and you'll become hella sexy to guys. If you make it clear that you believe in your own value and will stand up for what you need and what's important to you (not the same thing as having to have your own way all the time) he'll believe in your value too and realize what an awesome score he's made.

    As an aside note, if you're taking care of your needs then you automatically won't be available all the time and can relax and be totally friendly and interested without worrying about coming across as desperate...


Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 1

  • the reasons why are because your not showing interest in the guy when they show their interest in you ... guys are NOT the only ones who have to do everything

    • i do show interest though, not so much to seem clingy/desperate but not the cold shoulder either, if I like a guy I show it believe me, but as they act like they are crazy about me then suddenly turn cold before we start a relationship I worry about seeming too keen!

    • first off, you have to stop thinking that guys don't like clingy or desperate girls... trust me id love it if a girl was desperate for me and I guess some other guys feel the same way, also your just thinking guys are like girls and how girls don't like guys being desperate etc. for the girl, guys are kinda opposite you know.

      and you say you show interest but to him he probably doesn't understand "your way". can you be more specific on how your showing interest so I can help you more?

What Girls Said 1

  • 1) You could be flirting so sublty that the guy doesn't notice or is unsure of your signals so he loses interest

    2) I only read about half your question (sorry) and I got an arrogant vibe. People do not tease people because they are jealous of your intellect. It just doesn't happen. It could be because you were horribly awkward and average/below average looking AND too smart for your own good. People don't look at beautiful, intelligent, kind and humble women and decide to make fun of them.

    MY best guess is that the guys who do like you get discouraged, and that you're smart with an arrogant air about you, and you're only average looking so they don't bother to ignore the attitude.

    I know that sounds harsh but it was the reading I got from the situation.

    Guys love *hot* bitches, not bitches.

    • I am not arrogant at all I'm really not, I am only saying about my intelligence for the purpose of this question, I never make fun of people and I know you said you didn't read all of my question so I guess this is why you have interpreted it this way, I'm very empathetic, shy quiet and kind, I hate arrogant people and yes people do bully people who are kind :( you probably didn't mean it but you have made me feel very sad because I tried to include stuff like "not bragging being honest etc"

    • I have to contradict this. Adults may not do this but kids definitely do.

      I think this person did at least partly answer your question, albeit inadvertently... You're obviously not arrogant, but you see how quick people are to make that assumption about you because you use the "i" word.

      You will have to be a little discriminatory; you won't be happy with someone you can't share your thoughts with.

      But about those kids in school: they were insecure too! I might not have had the same problems you did if I'd 1) had enough self-confidence to not make myself such a target and 2) reached out to them more.

      Being usually right does give you an unconscious tone of authority, which all girls *should* have - but until they do you have to go out of your way to show others that you can see they're smart and have interesting opinions too -- ESPECIALLY guys. *Don't* dumb down; that just tells them that you think they're dumb