How should I handle this?

We went out a year ago a few times, but he was separated from his wife. I decided it was best to stop seeing him.A year later (Now) he is divorced (just a month) and he looked me up again. We went about four times. I started to really like him. He tried to have sex with me twice, but I did not. That last time he stopped and said that he can tell I want a relationship and he isn't ready for one. He said he really likes me and hopes I am still available when he is ready. He wants to be 100% ready and be there 100% for me.

Then he said he still wanted to do things with me. Before that talk he would text me every day and tell me he really liked me. Since then he texts me and emails me almost every day. We hung out once more a week ago. We had fun. He gets his kids every other weekend and doesn't usually talk to me, but he emailed me today. His daughter is with his sister and his son is a teenager. He is getting ready to go look at houses with his realtor (he is buying a house right now).

He always texts/emails but never asks me to do anything and it drives me insane because I have feelings for him. WHY does he do this? This time I brought up doing something and he said he wanted to but his cousin is going to be in town starting Monday (for 10ays)... that is all the free time he has until he gets his kids again. So... what am I supposed to wait three weeks longer or four to do something while he texs and emails the whole time.

I lost it and emailed him that this is hurting me and asked him why he keeps talking to me like this and that it shouldn't matter if his cousin is in town. If he liked me he would WANT me to spend time with him (and his cousin) and have fun together. He emailed me telling me he was driving now and couldn't talk. I am so upset and I am thinking I should just stop talking to him altogether. What do you guys think?

he called& said some conflicting things--doesn't like to make plans,but his cousin is coming & he is planning to skip his class & make it up on the weeknd. He told me he wants to do things w/me but has been busy-- last Saturday he went to a movie w/a guy friend. He just told me he was sitting around doing nothing on Saturday& his friend called at he last minute(so he was free). He told me he has Monday night free-did not ask me out. He called while at a park by my place-didn't ask me to meet
He called- I asked him if he saw me as a friend or someone he would sleep with but not as a woman he could see himself with. He said, yes, yes and different answer (hahahah). He said, my different answer is, I am not ready. My heart is still broken and it feels like it will never mend. He apologized for hurting me (said he was liking me and missing me and thinking about me). He said right now he wants to be friends, talk, sometimes do things, and leave out sex. This will be hard.


Most Helpful Girl

  • You can look at this in a couple of ways. First, this man has been married for awhile, recently divorced & he now wants to get out there "be free" with some women. "Women," not woman. You obviously have feelings for him & he knows this. It seems clear that he has them for you too, and he is a good man because he is not about to lead you on and date you knowing that you want more from him than he can give you. He does not want to hurt you. Simple as that, missy. He is trying to keep from hurting you.

    At the same time, he doesn't want to lose contact with you. So...what can you do at this time? Give yourself some space, and him. The more you harp on this & let it drove you crazy, the more apt you are to do something that will ruin the friendship you now have with him. Thus, ruining anything you two may be able to have in the future when he is done with his newly found freedom. So, go on about your life. Do not sit & wait for him either, who knows! You might even meet the man of your dreams during this time...but you can't be sitting around being all boohooing about him or you will miss him.


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What Guys Said 1

  • Seems clear he does not want to spend any real resources on you other than texts (time being most precious, but also money) - he deploys those resources on looking for females he can use for sex.

    At least he is not telling you outright lies about his feelings and plans for you to get you into bed. After marriage it is possible he wants to have a couple of casual relationships (sex and all) before even considering anything serious.

    He sees you look at sex a little bit like a carrot for him and a little bit like a meaningful new phase in a relationship. Having been married, and in his 40s perhaps, I suppose he might be taking sex a lot more for granted than you, as in something nice to do, that isn't expected to be held back as any kind of hard currency in a relationship.

    Also intuitively I sense that he feels that you are more into him than he into you, so if he holds you at an arm's length long enough, you'll break down and let him into your panties, just to get to spend time with him.

    • Thanks for your opinion. He was married at the age of 19 because they became pregnant w/their son. They were married for 15 yrs. He is 34. She cheated on him and it hurt him pretty bad. He tried very hard over the last yr. to make it work. He realized it wouldn't and just over a month ago they finalized their divorce. He has paid for everything we have done, but yes doesn't take me out much. LAst yr. he was very into me. This year the table has turned--I guess & no sex unless we're exclusive.

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    • Yup. None of what I said was meant to paint him in a bad light. It is just a guy's view on the situation. He isn't head over heels in love with you or he would not have been able to stay away. He does like you and would like to have sex with you and he is trying to manipulate (again, no negative connotation intended) you have sex with him.

      For many guys in late 30s on, unless they are after some virgin or a 20-22 year old, sex is compartmentalized as just a harmless thing to do if together

    • Thank you. I guess I am not the type of person who can have feelings for someone and "wait" around only to go out once in a blue moon -- but to be talked to on an almost daily basis! I hate it. I am used to if a guy is calling, he is doing it to ask me out. I get excited when he calls thinking he will, but at this point I know he won't so it is, in my mind, almost pointless to talk (especially text) for two hours about seriously -NOTHING... boring... forget it.

What Girls Said 2

  • He is recently divorced and not looking for anything serious, like he said. He's pretty much made it clear that he would enjoy a casual relationship with you in the meantime (like sex, talking, the occasional hang out, etc.) He keeps talking to you because he enjoys having a companion to share things with. He isn't however ready to have strings attached to that yet. This means that there will be other women, periods of avoiding and not talking to you, and not putting you first. At this point, you can't hardly blame him since he told you all of this outright. BUT If a real relationship is what you want, then you have every right to bid him farewell and move on completely. Meaning he doesn't just get to have you around for the fun stuff if he doesn't want to commit. He can't blame you at all for that either.

    • Yeah, except he said he didn't want to hurt me and that since I am ready for a relationship in my life he was not going to ask for sex but he wants to keep doing things with me. AND yeah he texts or calls or emails almost every day. He also said he isn't going out with anyone else and he likes me a lot. I understand he isn't ready, but at this point I feel like he is leading me on. Had he been upfront the first time we went out, I would be OK, but he waited until I developed feelings for him.

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    • He knows he is hurting me. I have tried to talk to him just clear the air even if that means no contact at all, but he keeps avoiding it and then acts like I didn't try to bring it up. I am at the point of competely breaking any and all contact with him. It isn't fair to lead someone on to the point where they like you a lot then tell them they don't want more but keep leading them on. Yes I know I need to be the one to stand up for myself and I am. I am just very upset. It is hard when he calls

    • I know it's tough. I agree with you though. You've spoken your needs and tried to talk. At this point I would break contact with him :/

  • Yeah stop talking. He sounds like an a**hole tryin to use you for sex. If you could think about it logically you wouldn't have feelings for a guy who wants to have sex but not a relationship anyways. It's not worth your time, effort and definitely not worth getting your heartbroken.

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