My first love dumped me. We were really serious. I overcommitted. I want her back. But how?

My ex-gf and I were in a relationship for the past 2.5 years. We met at college where we were both really successful - we are both super ambitious. We dated for 8 mos before grad which were AWESOME. We were each others' first lovers and first serious relationship. We were deeply in love. It was great.

She had her dream job after grad which meant she had to go abroad to work for a nonprofit in Ethiopia. I got a good job in Chicago, but decided it would be best to stay with her.

SO we stayed together. It kinda sucked. Long distance relationships are not fun, especially not when you're 23 and a male in a big city with money to burn.

I ended up kind of resenting her for going abroad, which was messed up of me. I take responsibility for that.

During this time she said a lot of things she didn't really mean -- like: I'll move wherever you are! Etc.

Anyway, after many trials and tribulations and lots of complaining -- but some really good moments as well (including me visiting her in Africa and lots of good talks on the phone) she came back to America and moved in with me in Chicago for 4-5 months...

but said she wanted to move to New York, because that's where the jobs were that she wanted. That was actually fine news, because I was sick of my job too. So I said: cool, let's move to New York!

But I didn't fully consider the financial ramifications or career ramifications of moving. It just wasn't feasible for me to find another job, that I liked, in a different city, while holding my other very demanding job, while living with my girlfriend. But I didn't realize this until it was happening...

So. I ended up getting very overcommitted to the relationship to try to justify the move to New York to myself. I ended up smothering my girlfrien. I stopped making myself happy. I became a mess as I focused on trying to get a job in New York.

I offered to quit my job and move -- if she would agree we were "probably" getting married, which wasn't something either of us was ready to commit to.

Because of all this, our relationship started to turn to sh*t. I stopped cherishing and respecting my girlfriend because I was like, I'm GOING TO MOVE FOR YOU! isn't THAT ENOUGH?

Well, it wasn't. She got a job in NYC and broke up with me 2 months ago. I was putting too much pressure on her and she became unattracted to me. The breakup was bad, things were said neither of us meant. I pushed and pushed. She said she never wanted to consider being with me again, just to be friends.

The other day it was my b-day and she sent me a friendly email, our first communication since the breakup. Short version: "Happy birthday. I found an apt in BK. Just wanted to say I'm thinking of you!"

I want her back but have mo idea how to respond. I wrote a love letter w/regrets that I haven't sent but would like to. Part of me wants to just blow her off - she broke my heart. But do I need to be polite and start talking as friends again? Ugh!


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What Girls Said 1

  • Despite how much in love you are with each other, from reading what you wrote, it appears that you two have different priorities right now and are headed in different directions. You could just be polite and say "thank you, it's great to hear from you". And leave it at that. But it is after all is said and done still your call.


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