Relationship advice needed...kinda long...sorry

Is it wrong to contemplate ending a perfectly good relationship because you believe that you and your SO want different things?

I am in a relationship with a man who is great. We have been together for over a year and we have no problems, don't argue, like each others' kids, etc. We don't live together.

However, I feel like we want different things long term. I went through a nasty divorce but even so, I'm not the type to say "never." As much as I didn't think I'd ever want another man, I knew not to say never because I'd just have to eat my words. I have come to the realization that I don't want to be alone forever. Now I'm not saying I'm ready to rush off and get married by any means, but I do want to know that I won't be sleeping alone 5 or 10 years from now.

My dilemma is that I believe he is perfectly content with how things are now and doesn't want anything more. We have not "discussed" it and I know we should, but he is not the talking kind. I believe he feels this way based on things he's said when relating conversations he's had with other people. For example, several people have asked him when we are getting married. (We have never even talked about marriage...which is OK with me because I'm not ready for that just yet!) His responses..."I kinda think marriage is like having and done" and "I told him that my days of living with women and getting married are over." Keep in mind that had he not told me, I would've never even known these conversations happened.

Some of my friends try to tell me he's just "feeling me out" on the whole issue of marriage, but I don't buy it. He's not the type of guy to beat around the bush. He says what he means. I believe this is his way of letting me know his intentions without being hurtful. I do believe he loves me...he not only tells me, but also does things that show me. And I also love him. Ending our relationship will be very hard...especially because there are no problems and nothing to be angry about and he hasn't done anything "wrong". I just don't want to be years into this relationship and still want more than he's willing and able to give.

I am not trying to sound like I've always wanted more and he never has. When we first began to date we were very much on the same page (at least with dating...marriage has never been an issue), we both wanted to live alone, etc. And I'm still OK with most of it, but have realized that long term, I will want more. I have not told him how I feel so this isn't a man bashing...he certainly doesn't deserve that.

I don't know how to bring it up without him feeling pressured to do more than he's comfortable with. I understand why he feels the way he does and don't want to make him feel bad about it just because my desires changed.

Any advice/suggestions would be greatly appreciated.


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What Guys Said 2

  • ... Bring out the pen and paper, Lawrence: There's a bag of crisps in it for ya!

    *Ahem* This gentleman seems like a nice fellow, perhaps he is waiting for you to take action? Perhaps he is just as nervous as you? He seems to be an understanding bloke, so what's to lose in asking? It'd be awkward, but with how you've described it I doubt he'd fall into shame and abandonment at the mere mentioning of the next step :P

    There, more love advice from a man who hasn't even held hands with someone who wasn't his mum :<

  • Just ask him out, it's honestly not that hard. Two shy people, one's got to take a step.

    • We have been together for a year...I just think we are in different places long term. Was this maybe for another post?

    • Oops, sorry about that...

      I think regardless of how quiet either person is, there's got to be communication if any progress is to be made. It's understandable you may not want to bring it up, but if you don't then you'll be the one miserable. You should talk with him, if he's an understanding guy, he'll hear you out and things will go smoother than you think.

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