We had great intimacy... so why did he go back on the dating website?

This guy and I are both late 30s. We've been talking for hours every night on the phone and we finally got together, and wound up in bed. It was great...he was very complimentary and we were very comfortable and laid back. I talked to him the next day, and we kind of "chatted" about hanging out this weekend, but he was tentative...I KNEW he was really tired (didn't get much sleep) and kind of grumpy... he told me he was going to sleep early tonight. Well, I saw that he visited the dating website today we both met on...which he hasn't been on in this week...since we've been pretty intensely talking...I don't want to be possessive, but want to know if he is just trying out a lot of girls...he said he HATES that when girls have a "backup" if their Boyfriend isn't working out...he said he is more about being upfront and focused on one girl...so I was hoping he is following that himself. So how do I ask him if he's still into me after our night...or do I just await (impatiently) for him to call? I HATE THIS PART.

  • He likes you, but isn't convinced you are the best, and is keeping options open
    Vote A
  • He is, like all guys, checking his mail on the dating site. Nothing unusual.
    Vote B
  • Will never know. Can't figure out men by analyzing this. Let it go, and wait for him to call.
    Vote C
  • Hint around by asking more specifics about what he enjoyed most about the nice evening.
    Vote D
Select a gender to cast your vote:
I'm a GirlI'm a Guy
Thanks for all of your comments/suggestions. He DID call. We went out again/had a great time, but he says/does diff things. I opened a fake dating profile and he sought "that girl" out, and "they've been chatting this week...he's a player. I'm done.


Most Helpful Girl

  • I had the EXACT same thing happened to me!...I would not ask if he's still into you or not, don't even give him that satisfaction thinking you like him that much if he is going on to the site still. Mine had a little bit of a twist, he hadn't logged on while we were talking, we met up, he still didn't log on, and then by the 3rd time after we got intimate(it was really good), the next day he told he wasn't ready for a relationship and 20 MINUTES later was back on the dating site! Its been 5 MONTHS, and I actually looked him up the other day(I deleted my account af few months ago) and he is STILL on the site...the other guy that I met off the site, kept logging on from the day we started talking, it never went anywhere him either...i seriously have never felt more insecure about myself until I did online dating, the guys are assholes, and sleazy!...I guess you can wait for him to call, but seriously, don't take it that he is the serious type. Yeah you guys arn't in a relationship, but once your intimate with someone, you talk all the time and such, MOST girls would assume its going somewhere...and the fact he is still logging in shows its only one sided.

    p.s. Never get intimiate with ANY of these guys from dating sites until your official, I played the fool twice, many of them only want a good time, and once you get intimate they all freak out and back off, I've heard this from multiple people that used a dating website!

    • OMG. thank you so much for the note. I hate to say "i'm glad you are in the same boat"..I'm NOT happy it happened to you, but I'm glad you can feel you're not alone in this. I'm quite a bit older than you, but it still happens. This guy and I talked SO much, he even told me "hey, we talked over 61 hours!" He checked his phone log. I called him this morning and he was open to chatting, but we were supposed to get together tonight (as discussed when we were in bed the other nite) and he's busy now

    • Show All
    • Yepppp I knew it!!!!!!!!!! haha bet he didn't think he was going to get caught, what a jerk!!!! how did you end things with him???

    • I didn't let on about my fake profile or that I had his password he gave me one time, so I continued to see all girls he was emailing on 2 diff sites. Its not that he was dating,I assume all guys date, but lying about everything. My leverage, his stupidity. He would call me and be typing IM with another girl at the same time. I saw it online! But I didn't freak out and have him think I'm a psycho and dump me, so I just did like guys do, ignored his calls and unfriended him on facebook.

Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 3

  • In my experience, love is seldom "grumpy" this early on in a relationship, especially after a night of physical intimacy. If I were you (and I'm glad I'm not, as I hate when men try to kiss me), I'd leave the initiation of all future contact strictly to him. Give him a week, and if you don't hear from him go to the dating website yourself. Good luck.

    • Very clever, with the fake profile. Well done!

  • Instead of voting:

    You'll know the site, I don't


    Some dating sites offer more than just dating: I've been months on one, just discussing politics and social issues and never tried to establish further contact with someone, nor did anyone try to do it. Concerning his getting a late night regain of energy, this happens frequently to me.

    Why not talk about it?

    Why just await (impatiently) for him to call? We're in 2009, not in 1809. Women have the right to call men without waiting for men to call first.

  • No offense, and while I understand the frustration of being a woman in this regard, is the sex perhaps making this more difficult? I guess that's a consequence of doing it sooner than later. I'm not perfect, I did it once, and I got lucky and it worked out. But it often doesn't, especially with guys who, if they're in their late 30s and doing online dating, probably aren't super into commitment.


What Girls Said 3

  • I've always wondered this. I was with a guy for quite some time, and he was always on the freakin' dating sites! I never understood, and he never explained it.

  • Maybe he was checking to see if you visited the dating site also! In which case, you did...even if your intent was just to check to see if he had visited.

    You only had one face to face meeting which ended up in sex. This is fine if you both have the expectations going in to bed. I think I am safe to assume that over these long coversations you have begun to get a bit emotionally attached. Sex just made that attachment stronger. Men don't necessarily view sex as an emotional thing, especially early on. It is possible that he had a great time with you in bed, but wants to take the "relationship" part of things a bit slower.

    I think the best thing to do would be to ask him if he is to give it a few days, then call him and ask if he is still looking to date others or if he would like to concentrate on seeing where it will go with you.

  • Okay, well a few things. Let's start with...How did you know that he went back on the site? I take it as you went back on the site as well and ran across him on it. If this is the case, why is that fair?

    Secondly, you didn't meet this guy all that long ago, and you aren't his girlfriend at this point from the sounds of it, so he has the right to keep looking, and as a guy he will.

    And finally, if you live in the same town or area as him and you slept with him the first time you met him in person, then this didn't translate to long term to him. As much as guys push it to have sex right away, if you do it, then they turn their classification of you into sex, not relationship.

    • Hi...thx for the answer. Didn't sleep w/him first time...was 2nd time but we discussed it...and we'd slept together again. You're right...I have no posession, but he seems insecure that I am going out with a lot of men and told him I'm not. Don't want to discuss HOW I know, but it's for sure. Got into his account (I know, I know) on several dating sites and he lied about "just responding". He is actively pursuing. THAT is my issue. The lies. They are adding up. I'm done with this one. : )

    • Well, I do hope things work out for you. Good Luck!!