Why do I keep meeting men who insist on romance then bail?

What do I mean? I mean a heated approach in the first couple of weeks. Exhibit A) :"Are you available for a relationship? I really need you to be available" this then declaring himself unavailable a month later. I fell in love with this one in spite of myself. He slept in my bed for a year and we went on hikes/ate/etc. together & had really interesting conversations then he'd bail for weeks on end until it finally fizzled. I thought if I didn't pressure, he'd come around... I should mention we had spooky chemistry & he was a super generous, affectionate lover.

Recently, I dated someone who mumbled "I love you" repeatedly the first time we slept together, called out my name the second time, wanted to talk about how great it was & some crazy talk about past lives & baby making. When I just looked bemused, he said "you're not saying much." I needed to slow the roll, but made a point to tell him I wanted to continue to get to know him. Also super sweet, amazing, hot lover. But he evaporated (I should mention nothing went wrong the last time we saw each other. He wanted to see me the next day.) He totally flaked on a plan, then called after a week & vaguely attempted another plan. I assume he's off to the next fool. But why is it OK for men to be emotionally self-indulgent & not accountable for basic communication but women who ask for anything are "crazy"?! I had no idea yet if I wanted this guy to be my boyfriend. He sort of raised the stakes with "love," but mostly I just want people to call more or less when they say, and follow through on plans. What you would expect even from an acquaintance or business transaction!

What's the deal? Attachment disorder? Both of these guys were super handsome but a little odd. I don't think either had some womanizing master plan, but maybe it's just to easy to float when you're quirky & handsome. These guys need all the trappings & intensity of romantic love, but don't want the real deal(?).

I'm pretty enough (though I'm really tall & maybe get exoticised /projected onto), sane enough, smart, have a great job, lovely friends, love life, love sex... Bla...bla...bla...

I'm getting tired, I can't bear the cynicism, and want so much for people just to be honest...

I'd rather hear "I changed my mind" or "someone else dazzled me/re-emerged"... Whatever, just an explanation for abrupt weirdness. It's much more respectful that making me figure it out/guess.
Thanks everybody! I feel like if I add up a bit of advice from everyone here it amounts to the right stuff. Slow down, ask questions, stick to your guns, don't give up... Kiran, I just want to clarify that I'm not super "looks first," and I have been attracted to a huge range of physical types. I mentioned that they were both traditionally handsome (tall, fit, nice features) because I wondered if it was a factor in their behavior, I.e. getting away with stuff.


Most Helpful Guy

  • I would say that if you go after the same thing, and expect a different result--that is the definition of insanity.

    But to be less dramatic about it, I would suggest trying out different guys. And what I mean by that, guys who you would not normally consider.

    You don't have to be extreme about it, but dating casually would be a good start. Instead of meeting their demands, see if they can meet two or three of yours, like patience, which seems to be something you decidedly require based on your explanation.

    Building slowly I think will leave you feeling in more control over any developing relationship and allows you to see where things are working and where they are not, before they get out of hand.

    Good luck!


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What Guys Said 2

  • You essentially dated the same guy twice and were surprised to get the same result. Clearly your taste in men has room for improvement. They were both super gorgeous. Was that a requirement for you? If so, then you're limiting yourself way too much. Try guys who don't come on strong. Try guys who aren't underwear models. Also note that, you only mentioned TWO guys. That's is by NO MEANS a basis to make any generalizations about any guys of any kind what-so-ever. You need a bigger sample size then that. If it only takes two to put you off then you'd never make it as a guy, who has to go through dozens, if not not hundreds, of rejections to finally make a connection.

  • The problem is just the type of guys you're dealing with. They are part of that lame group of people who look for the physical and then just leave.


What Girls Said 3

  • i've got to agree with nermalinda on this one. Sounds like a case of too much too soon. On top of that you're getting way too emotionally involved with a guy without defining the relationship. You HAVE to make sure you're on the same page with him before ANYTHING goes down. Most people are afraid of the hard work of turning one guy down after another once you find out he is unsuitable. Or they are afraid the guy they "really like" is not on the same page with them, so they just avoid finding out until he disappears. You can either find out early on, and ditch HIM or you can find out later on after physical and emotional investment when he ditches YOU. I prefer the latter.

    Find out what the guy wants. All guys have some kind of motive when they meet a woman. You're job in the course of dates is to FIND OUT. Not just have a good time and make out. Because no matter how good the chemistry is, if he's heading to timbuktu and you're headed to paris, there is NO WAY you are getting there together. So my best advice is to slow the roll of sex. If he's not wiling to dial back his run, then that is a sign that he is NOT suitable for the kind of relationship you seek. This is the time EARLY ON, to ditch him.

    Be true to the kind of relationship you want. If after 3 great dates you find out he NEVER wants to get married but you do, gently and graciously let him go. Do the hard work early on, before you've invested. hold off sex and make him work for it. guys LOVE working for it. Deep down, they really believe they should, no matter what they tell you.

    • Thank you. That's very thoughtful and helpful!

  • This recently happened to me. Guys I feel like can get scared pretty easily, because they are more emotional than girls sometimes think and that they feel like they should be. I think that sometimes freaks them out and they run. I'm not a guy so I'm not an expert. This happens to me all the time tho. Guys tend to fall fast and hard for me...they run...then come back...then run...etc. I asked a really good guy friend of mine what was wrong with me. He told me that I was the marriage type...the girl that guys want to marry and at 23, and mid-20's, that scares guys. They aren't ready for that, but at the same time they are transitioning into that phase. I see that you are older than I am but, I think all guys change into this phase at different times. When guys fall too fast and hard it freaks them out...they run...and then they don't know what to do. Then there are the guys that you don't want to push because they are conservative and hold back more. As a girl you don't want to run them away or freak them out. I am in that kind of situation with this one guy. He is pretty vague sometimes and it is confusing for me. I feel like he likes me, but I don't know when to push or make the first move (since I feel like I always do and am not sure if he is truly interested). I guess sometimes you have to make the move and see that outcome? Sometimes you have to put yourself out there, get their response, and learn...take it from there. But all-in-all, I completely agree with you. Guys need to tell women how they feel. I would feel better hearing "I'm not interested" or "I just want to be friends" rather than just confusing messages.

  • How soon after meeting these guys are you getting physical with them?

    It all sounds like too much too soon for them to handle.

    You also sound more mature than them.


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