Destroying my relationship or overreacting?

when I first started going out with my boyfriend, I lied about my sexual partners I said it was 3 but it was really 9 including him. I don't count one because it wouldn't really go in and my dad almost walked in on us. so technically it was 8 but maybe some people still count it so idk. anyway my boyfriend found out but was told it was 8 by somebody else including him and I didn't tell him about the other guy , broke up with me then took me back. a couple months later he found out about the last guy because he was a friend of a friend. he got so mad and broke up again. my boyfriend made me name all the guys and I changed one of their names because he went to school with him and he is considered a "stud" and can get any girl he wants. we had a one night stand.i was scared to tell him it was actually him. on Wednesday, I was singing a song around my boyfriend and cousin and my cousin was going to say that it reminded her of the guy but stopped herself until dumb me asked who. we smiled awkwardly and my boyfriend got suspicious. I confessed it was him and he got mad/hurt. he doesn't trust me and doesn't know if he wants to be with me since I lied so much. he is telling me he is going to ask the guy how many time we did it, which is once. and that he can't love me and that he doesn't know who I am anymore. I know I shouldn't have lied, but I don't like talking about the past. I didn't want him to think he was just another guy and compare himself and I definitely didn't want him to judge me. he said if we would have told me the truth 9 months ago, he wouldn't judge me, that he does judge me because he is mad I lied. but if that was true, wouldn't he be mad right now just about lying and not judge me? that is why I didn't want to tell him. so am I ruining this or is he overreacting? he says if we stay together, nothing will be the same, and he will be meaner and do whatever he wants. he told me he doesn't care what I do anymore. but I got invited to las vegas today and he said if I go then he will do something three times worse. so he is confusing me. I know is crewed up, but, I just never saw the past as a big deal. I don't ask about the past because I love unconditionally and I look at the present and future. but people are different and I just need advice.
i know I'm wrong.. but other than not saying the truth right away, I am so good to him. I listen to him when he needs somebody to talk to, I choose him over everyone, I do anything for him, I have never cheated on him and don't plan to. we get along with each others family, we can't stay mad at each other like ever . there's so much good but I make it bad by doing this. and I know my reasons are excuses, I've just never been asked about my past and it freaked me out in this relationship.
the people commenting saying I don't understand I'm wrong, I do understand. I don't know how many time I put it. just because I put I wouldn't break up with him if he lied about his sexual past doesn't mean I don't think it's wrong. he and I are different. and my first comment got cut off when I was explaining that everyone is different but I should have told him the truth after I saw how mad he got.


Most Helpful Guy

  • Lying is different than "not saying the truth right away".

    He asked you once about your sexual history, and you lied (3 partners). He found out you lied, and confronted you. You lied again about the number. He found out, and confronted you, and you lied AGAIN (changing the guy's name).

    It's interesting to note, that through each of these lies, he ultimately accepted what you told him and continued your relationship. He didn't judge you for three partners. He didn't judge you for eight partners. He didn't judge you for adding another partner, though out of anger, he made you name them all. When you lied to him again, about a specific guy, he went off. Hardly surprising at all.

    You apparently have no clue how important TRUST is in a relationship. You've lied to him so many times, that you'll never be able to tell him something again without him wondering, in the back of his mind, if you're keeping the truth from him.

    If you didn't want to tell him anything about your sexual history, then you should have been upfront about it. You should have told him "I think the past should be left in the past, and I'm not going to talk about past sexual partners with you, because I don't have any attachment to them, and I don't want you to be obsessing over anything. I don't want to know anything about your past partners either. I'm with you because I WANT to be with you, and nobody else, and if that's not good enough for you, then we need to end this right now".

    • i do know how important it is. and I know I screwed up. I know I was wrong. and yeah I should have said that to him in the first place but I didn't think of that response. and I don't blame him for not trusting me. I don't know it's just I know even if it was the other way around I would have been mad too but I don't care about the past so I would have dropped it. that's just me though. I just see it as if he's not cheating on me or anything like that then whatever. but we are all different and I should

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    • Now honestly, I don't know if you're going to get him back after that. But if you're honest with him now, and give him some time while continuing to communicate with him about it, you might have a chance.

      However, provoking him with threats of you going to Vegas (a city well-known for catering to people looking for random casual sex) is probably doing more harm than good.

    • who ever said I threatened him of going to las vegas? no one. I simply said I got invited. he threatened me by saying he will do something three times worse. for goodness sake I got invited by family. and I know he is mad that I lied, I said I screwed up and should have told him the truth. just because I said I wouldn't have made it a big deal if he kept something from his past from me doesn't mean I don't understand. I know that repeatedly lying was wrong. do you not see my question up there?

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What Guys Said 2

  • I am in agreement that your boyfriend is not really over reacting.

    Look at it this way, if your past was truly the past and no big deal, you wouldn't feel the need to lie about it. I don't think your boyfriend is judging you based on your past sexual experiences. He is judging you on your present behavior of repeated lying. That is not the past. That is the present situation of your relationship that you caused and that is the issue that needs to be fixed. The fact is, he can't trust anything you say going forward. The trust is broken and rebuilding trust is very difficult.

    And one other thing, all the reasons you gave for why you lied are just excuses. They aren't valid in a mature relationship because you did not trust your boyfriend to handle the truth of who you are with maturity. You judged him first, and decided he was not going to be able to handle it. Now, you'll never know.

  • Well now.

    You lie, and lie, and lie. How is he supposed to trust anything you say? You should have answered him honestly in the first place, and if he started pushing for details, you should have declined to answer.

    If you're that worried about being judged, let me say this. Is it worse to be judged by someone who's hurt? Or someone who's ANGRY and hurt? Look. It's harder to blame you for your past when you're being honest about it than it is when you've been hiding it. If you're hiding it, then YOU obviously think it's bad, and if you think it's bad, then that gives him the go-ahead to think the same thing.

    At the same time, he's overreacting - a little. I don't think breaking up with you over repeated lies is an overeaction. I don't blame him one bit for that. But claiming he's going to do something "three times worse" than going to Vegas? What the hell's that supposed to mean?


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