So, there is this classmate I had a secret crush on for about 6months. I always saw her flirting with other boys, so I tried to get close to her by becoming her friend. We became like best friends, she was totally awesome beyond my dreams. Last spring she started to flirt with me more seriously, but only after a couple of drinks one night on the way home from the nightclub she grabbed my hand and I was in love, but didn't take it any further since we were in a group of friends.
In sober state we would also flirt a LOT by glances and smiles.
So I asked her out for lunch, she agreed. It went well. Nothing happened. Next date we spent at her place. Nothing happened once again. I couldn't tell her about my feelings cause I was scared to being turned down. One time she had already turned down a hug from me. - I was terrified it would happen again. But I told her how I felt. She told me she also felt something and we were having "Ups and downs" but we could try. So we kissed.
Next date was as if we were back on square one. I bought her flowers and got a kiss. After that kiss I felt as if she tried to take distance from me although we went on some more dates.
Summer was coming and I asked where we stood. She answered she didn't know what she wanted. I was heartbroken. The day after she chatted on me as if nothing happened. I moved away for the summer and wrote a love letter.
We then had no contact for about a week and then I came to town, we went on a date and she totally dumped me and stated she wanted me as her best friend and that we maybe could try again after summer, but just then there was nothing she could do.
I asked her if she ever had any feelings for me and she answered she didn't know and that she could not control herself when drunk. Although we shared most of our moments sober.
I then cried for a month. It eventually got a little better. Now three months have passed since the break-up. We had no contact for the summer. Today school started and since she is my classmate we have to see every single day. It was really hard I was close to crying during class. She was really nice to me but there was some serious tension between the two of us and we avoided each other.
Now I feel like I'm back at square one in trying to get over her. I love her. She is kind lonely and I want to be there for her. I really really really love her. She is the best thing ever. But I don't know if I'm able to move on in that case. I started feeling better in the last weeks of summer. But I don't actually want to move back to my parents from college.
So my question is what should I do? Should I ask her if we can talk about this or should I just cut her off completely? Its really hard since we have a lot of mutual friends. I am completely sure that all of my feelings will never completely fade away.
Forgot to write: Yes I know I kinda pushed to get this relationship forward. But I believed that if nothing happened before summer vacation she would find somebody else. -Stupid misstake!
Most Helpful Girl
Alright kiddo. I am not known for being gentle and being that I'm kind of on the other end of your situation (a situation that went very badly), I'm probably going to overreact a little. So bear with me.
So the guy in my situation- I'll call him Mike.
Mike was kinda like you. First real awesome relationship. It drove him crazy, but then things got a little uncomfortable for me, because, even though he was very sweet and good to me, he was very clingy and his affection (and not even physical) was too much to handle and it smothered me. After I broke things off, for years, he was really confused and clinging to the idea of this "love." Which I rejected, and he couldn't understand how those feelings of his weren't love, until he went into a certain health or psychology class and realized he was simply and utterly infatuated, and it's been years since that revelation, and he still hasn't really gotten over it.
I think it's the same thing with you where you're infatuated with this girl, she's amazing, she's important to you and you want only the best for her.
But the thing is, so much is pinned on this girl, you're ready to invest so much on a relationship with her, when she's very reluctant, and things are very tense, that I think that you're not thinking about this right, and you absolutely need to have her consent if anything between you two, even just as friends, will work out well.
I recently had a huge fight with Mike, where he "tried to be there for me" when I wanted to be alone, because he went with what he thought was better for me, and you absolutely cannot do that. Do not assume that she'll come around to your ideas.
If your friend agrees to a talk, try to talk out a plan for you. Not for you both. Tell her how you feel, and ask her where she stands, and what she thinks YOU should do. Do not interject, and listen calmly and patiently.
If she doesn't know, then ask her to think about it, and walk away.
You need to get this need to have a relationship with her out of your system, so I want you to try to see if it's possible with her, but I do not want you to force it upon her. This whole relationship depends on how far she'll go for you, since I think you'd do anything for her.2
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