Is there a chance that our relationship will be rekindled “for good”?

I’ve known this guy for two years. We’ve dated for a year and a half. When we met we immediately clicked and he pursued me by asking me out. We’re different but we have a number of similarities: we’re both shy, we enjoy reading, our parents have the same profession, we both grew up moving around a lot, etc. I consider him to be my best friend—we have pretty much talked nonstop every day since the day we met, either emailing each other every 10 minutes, spending every chunk of time between classes together, and Skyping 2-5+ hours day.

I was a senior in HS and he was a junior (we’re the same age though). When we met he knew I was going to be leaving in a few months. He still encouraged me to date him and said that we would figure it out. Before we started dating he went away on vacation and wrote me a very long, detailed love letter. We dated for the remainder of the year, though he did have one issue where he struggled with his old feelings for another girl who had no interest in him.

I moved to the US for college. We knew that in a year he would also be in the US, but he didn’t know where yet. For only spending a few months together before separating and for our first relationship, I think we did quite well. We still talked every day, morning and night. We wrote each other letters and managed to see each other twice in the year that we were apart. In this process he met and spent time with my parents and grandparents during the holidays and I got to meet his parents, sister and her boyfriend. During the year we did have several breakups, mostly due to the stress of not being able to see each other.

He sometimes gets confused about his life and where things are going, and would occasionally question if our relationship had a future if we were going to be in two different places, and at other times said that we didn’t talk enough about things he thought we should be talking about. My own opinion is that if you can talk to someone for 5 hours a day for two years and not get sick of them, that’s pretty good! Sometimes he also felt like we talked about sex too much, but I think a lot of that came from really missing each other and wanting to be together. We are both still virgins.

Now I am a sophomore on the east coast and he’s a freshman on the west coast. We had a wonderful, strong romance from about April until a few weeks ago, when he got stressed out again about our relationship for the same reasons above. Right before the breakup he was telling me that he has trouble expressing his feelings but that he wants me to be honest with mine. On nights when he was busy and we couldn’t talk he would ask me to email him so he could read it before bed. After our breakups we always remain friends, but this time he told me he didn’t think we should talk again and that we should move on. He said he knew I loved him and that he really wanted to feel the same way, but he just didn’t.
He said he wanted to talk to me, but that he thought he would be weak and go back to me if we did.

After a brief period of not talking, we’re talking again. He said his week was horrible because of it, and he seemed relieved and apologized. We’re just friends now and like the other breakups he seems to think we’ll stay that way.
I really love him and I’ve always been there for him. I’ve been so patient with him. Sometimes I feel like he doesn’t recognize this, but he has admitted that I do “spoil” him ha ha and that he really appreciates that I’m so forgiving. He tells me I’m one of the most important people in his life, in the same circle as his family.

Is there a chance that our relationship will be rekindled “for good”? What do you think his feelings are for me? How can I reassure him if he is confused/afraid to commit? I have always, always, always been there for him and I have always been consistent with my feelings. His parents don’t have that great of a relationship and he can be cynical. Also, I think he idealizes relationships sometimes and thinks that the other person needs to have the exact same interests as him.


Most Helpful Guy

  • When a guy asks not to talk again, it's usually because he's torn. My advice is to do what he says and just work on what makes you happy. Especially due to the fact that you guys are on opposite sides of the coast, there will be points where there is nothing you can do to show him that it will be okay, other than a few comforting words (which don't work on guys as well as these words do on girls). If you focus on making yourself happy, he might try to figure out what's going on in your world, and if he's seeing mostly positives, he really won't have anything to prohibit him from desiring you. Everything is happy/positive, which is what we all deeply desire for our own lives. Try to take this time, not as a separation from him, but as a way to really make your inner star shine. It's really the best card you can play at this point, because we don't know if he has conflicting interests ("someone else") or if he has been torn from pushing his limits (not being able to feel you next to him, etc)... Without knowing where he's at, there's no advice to give you - you already care about him, at this point you have to care about yourself too.

    ~ ArtistBBoy

    • Thanks :) I will try that. We just had a heart to heart and he told me that our relationship felt off to him but that he continued it because he wanted me to be happy. In the end we agreed that we both want to make each other happy and that we are committed to being there for each other.

    • I guess my mind is curious as to what he "felt" was off. But like I said, sometimes you can't do anything to find out - because pressuring the situation will only push him away further; so you're left with the option of making yourself happy. Who knows? Maybe it will help with the uncertainty as to why things happened, but it does seem that it will help because you guys have agreed to be friends.

    • Me too... he said he just doesn't see himself with me in the long term. I didn't want to push it, but it does seem like maybe there's something else there. Yea, I think we both feel a lot better now :) And it feels really nice to know he wants me to be happy and wants to make me happy as well.

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Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 2

  • Two years of daily communication despite separation issues shows he's not afraid to commit. That's a commitment and a half all by itself. I think he is in love with you but I'm unsure whether the both of you are currently really ready for love. Love does not always prevail.

    Will the relationship be for good this time? Let me pull out my crystal ball and check... it says ask again later.

    • Thanks, I hadn't thought of it that way. Really, you think he's in love with me in a romantic way? Why would he say our relationship felt off to him then? He told me he continued it because he wanted to make me happy (which to me is a bit confusing, because if you would sacrifice your own happiness for someone else's I would think that love would be involved).

  • There is no way to know what your future holds with him. It is obvious you two care for each other but yo uhave much business to take care of still (college)


What Girls Said 6

  • having feelings for another person is NOT a small issue. its a central theme-in a relationship.

    he went into things with u, still in love with someone else. he needed a diversion. you provided that for him. now he's bored.

    youre not gong to win him back by going out of your way to please him. you'll just prolong him ending it for good because he has no concrete reason to go away. unless you act like a real person-not a barbie doll. or a geisha girl. hell keep you around until something better shows up.

    I think he's full of sh*t. You can't 'ask' him about things because you'll push him away?What exactly are you. A person or a puppy?

    As long as you keep him extra happy and have absolutely no problems, hell maybe agree to be friends. dangling the abstract possibility of getting together-- just to break up again.

    how many times have you broke up?

    a relationship isn't you making him happy so he doesn't leave. people are happy angry sad confused courageous scared thousands of different things. if you can only get him by being in a perfect state at all times, its complete junk.

    i don't think he's interested in committing to you. as he's ALREADY done that ten fold. now he has reservations?

    As far as being able, or not able to soothe him with words, or some way to prove it will be OK. . how would you even be able to do that if you don't even know what the problem with him is, because he won't tell you.

    people stay together all the time when they are in different places. you can't see each other every day for a year or two. boo-hoo. lifes tough. if you care it is worth it.

    things don't just blow up. someone has to want out,

    its not mystical. when he talks about I don't know if well make it. he's saying he doesn't know if he wants to. you want to. you're wlling to be supportive.

    if he says he doesn't know what the future holds, when youve been clear about how you feel and what you want, he's just dressing up the fact he doesn't necessarily care.

    hes using you as a back up. for some other girl. or for his mood . or w/e.

    youre being exploited imo. bu its up to you what you decide to do.

    i just think the fact you guys ALREADY were close, and now he's pulling away and being disrespectful. doesn't express that he's incapable of doing things. it just shows he doesn't care to.

    he already communicated with u. now he can't because its not in his interest to.

    i wonder f he pushed you guys to be together whilst trying to forget someone else. so his feelings were never exactly genuine. he's losing a need for a deflection in u. so he's tapering off.

    i don't trust him. everything is about him. including staying he stayed to make you happy. he's blaming his irrational behavior on trying to be kind.

    id dump him. before I wake up ten years gone and realize I have self centered disrespectful manipulative 'friend', who I've supported been there for and given up valuable time to.

    your choice but imo he's a joke.

  • I think truthfully the relationship can not progress from this level because you two are far there a chance you two will move to the same town? He has probably met someone local which is natural and you should do the same.. relationships are hard enough in the same location, now add distance and there's a whole new stress added to it.

  • Hold on...he never told you he loves you?

    Because if he never told you in two years of relationship then it's really compromised, regardless how good friends you are. This is why friendsship and love stories are separate things.

    If he loves you though it's OK, every couple has ups and downs, just remind him why he loved you and was happy to be with you, it should make him come back to you.

    Be sure it's the healthiest thing to do for both of you though, if your feelings are really honest...

  • Wow, your relationship is so similar to mine and my boyfriend. We are both seniors in college and we too live on opposite coats, him on the west coast and me on the eastern, but we've been together for only 5 months but we're already experiencing problems. We have more complicated problems than you two but I'm choosing to stay with him because I love him so much, and I'm not really sure if he feels the same but despite that I'm still holding on.

    To answer you question, I would say anything can happen. It all depends on him, seeing that you're very commited to your relationship, meaning only time will tell how things will go. I think he is very confused, but hopefully he'll see the light and realize how much you're really worth.

    Idk, Id say be positive (that's what I'm trying too), but do leave space for disappointment beacause people do break up (but I haven't been able to). All the best!...

  • I think he is torn. I don't know why, there could be many possibilities. You guys are on totally opposite coasts and not around each other enough to know what the other one is doing. Its just speculation but there is always the chance he has met someone that is conflicting his feelings for you, but he still does like you but there might be someone else in the picture that is throwing him off guard.

  • You both need to be willing to commit to it if anything and talk it out that's the only way..or like he said he probably isin't ready for anything serious.


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