INFP "dating-but-not-really" an INFP

I met this guy a month and a half ago at my favorite cafe. We hit it off right away. We have the same personality type- INFP. By nature, we are fiercely loyal, sensitive, intuitive, and loving. But we get hurt easily.

I was stupid enough to sleep with him on the first and second time we hung out. The second night I spent at his place, he made me pancakes, which are my favorite. We have a lot in common, not only in interests, but in values.

The third time I saw him, I asked quite bluntly what he's looking for. I hate wasting someone else's time and I like knowing what I'm getting myself into. I don't give a damn what it is, I just like knowing. He said he usually goes with the flow. He's fine with "dating" but it's hard for him with his hectic schedule. He's in a band.

He was so polite, thanking me for hanging out. Very intimate. But he rarely texts and NEVER has called.

I held off any onslaught of foolish texts. Maybe once every couple days- with my initiative. So a week ago he said he'd "love to get together when things settle down". So I made plans with him and gave him the easy way out if it he felt stressed out but he agreed.

He stood me up. He apologized profusely but made no plans. I told him if it isn't working out, he could just tell me. No reply.

After a few days, I get this random text that said "I hate getting colds". I called him a strange man and he said he's sorry for the erratic communication.

I started getting a little insecure and replied "I feel like such an idiot. Foolish girl will never learn. I'm sorry about this."

his reply- "You really have nothing to apologize for. Why do you say that? What's up? Talk to me".

I sent a short reply but didn't get anything. The following day I asked if he wanted to hang out on my days off. Later that night I texted again saying "you know...this doesn't seem to be working out. Thank you for hanging out with me. Good luck with your band".

The next day he replied and said "I don't understand why you came to this assumption. I was busy, got a cold, had to work a lot. You feel how you feel, and that's OK. But I think it's a quick assumption".

I replied a couple times, Because of course I'm feeling a bit insecure. I said sorry for being dramatic, I don't know what you want me to do. I thought it was a safe assumption. I like you, but I don't know what the hell is going on. I'm tired of being hurt by what I hope for.

That was two days ago. Still haven' t gotten a reply. Have I f***ed everything up or what?

So he got what he wanted, why doesn't he tell me to leave? I guess I'll wait another week and see.

My gut has ALWAYS been right, even when circumstances (like these) have not seemed to be in my favor, somehow it turns out. Unfortunately my gut's telling me he wants me to stick around. I hate being positive about something so foolish

I'm a cook, so I can take the heat of brutal honesty. So please, give some! Thanks


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What Guys Said 1

  • This guy is a musician in a working band, which means he's busy and his schedule is erratic, and musicians are WIDELY known for being flakey, self-centered, and hard to pin down.

    Plus, clearly, you aren't his priority, and when you're in a working band and travel a lot, it's very hard to make anything else a priority. There are too many issues and distractions and distance keeping you apart.

    The smart thing to do is to end this now. He isn't going to change or improve, that I can assure you, and you will either need to accept that the only way a relationship with him will work is if you do all the work and see him at HIS convenience, and expect nothing in return. Hopefully you aren't dumb enough to think that's a good idea and will break it off and find someone who is actually available and will make his relationship with you a priority in his life.


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