How do I stop pushing guys I like away?

Okay, so here's the thing... Whenever I'm dating someone I really like, I tend to be very distant and cold and I have a hard time being affectionate. It really bothers me, because it's not who I am on the inside... I would love to be as affectionate and outgoing as I am in my mind, but I have a really hard time bringing that behavior out. I'm very insecure, so I'm afraid to show my vulnerable side and to accept compliments because I just don't believe them... I almost have a hard time just believing that person even likes me. I recently lost a guy I was dating over this behavior and I'm really sick of it. I would really appreciate any help/tips/advice on how to bring "the real me" out!

Thank you all for your answers. You are all right! I really need to start working on my confidence and self-esteem, now I'm single so I guess it's the right time to focus on that. It's not easy, but I'm glad I realize I *have* a problem. I'm determined to not mess it up next time...


Most Helpful Guy

  • In most cases, people who "build walls" are reacting to some trauma from their past. If you've had some past trauma (abuse, abandonment, loss, etc.) that could be causing this, then you need to get some help to deal with that issue, because your being distant is just a symptom of that root cause, and you always need to treat the root cause rather than the symptoms, because fixing the root cause will make the symptoms go away on their own.

    It sounds like you realize that this is a problem you have, and admitting you have a problem is the first step towards resolving the problem. The next step is figuring out the root cause, which you might need help doing, or you might know already, and after that, you need to work on dealing with the problem itself, and you will almost certainly need some help with that. A professional counselor/therapist would be ideal, but you might get enough from a friend if you have one that is particularly wise and experienced with relationships. Either way, you need to do whatever work it takes to get past the issues from your own past, so that you can let them go and gain the confidence you need to be vulnerable around another person, which is what you are finding difficult to do.


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What Guys Said 5

  • I really know what that is...

    First of all, you should take care about your self and then work on a relationship... Build your self-confidence first... You may love and be loved for your entire life just by doing it. Even if you don't, you can, but you'll have that same problem...

    If you do so, just have a entire open mind about your relationship, talking to him about your past and present... about what you like, love and hate... You may not have to change at all if you do that...

    If you lie about something, just put your self up and speak to him about it...

    As well if you feel like he's lying to you, just bring it up smoothly but talk about it... Even if you feel like you're not loved "enough", make him show it, make him show the way he feels.

    There is nothing more honest and true than loving someone by who that person is and be loved by that same reason... That's probably the only perfect thing there exists out there for everyone :)

  • Hmmm.

    This is a typical situation of why insecurity has to be fixed from within, and NOBODY'S external influences can fix one's insecurity.

    Now I know sometimes logic gets trumped by emotion, so to boost your self-esteem, think about something that you're good at, and focus on it. Even if it's something simple as making perfect al dente pasta every time you cook pasta. In essence, focus on your stregnths.

    Eating a healthier diet and exercising do help boost self-esteem. So does dressing well/primping yourself and liking what you see in the mirror.


    Most of all, you must learn to accept your weakness or "less than stellar" points of yourself that are not fixable (physically as well as other).

    Truly confident people accept their weakness, and STILL believe they are awesome regardless. :)

  • Well without knowing who you are, and talking to you quite a bit, this would be something very hard to do. If you'd like, maybe we can chat sometime, and can find out how to help you. Best way that I can say right now is, be open, and let people know you're shy. This gives you some leeway to build a relationship.

  • My answer is simple and scary.

    Next time you really like a guy, tell him this. You are scared of being vulnerable and being hurt and there is no way o get past it other than to expose your vulnerable side and risk getting hurt. Do it, you won't believe how good it will make you feel.

    I find fear of something is worse than the thing itself. Most of my worst fears have come true and while I certainly didn't enjoy the experience, I got through it in one piece.

  • Do things which increase your confidence and self esteem, things that give you that "don't give a f*ck attitude". Working out worked for me, and now I'm less insecure about myself and now nearly as "affectionate and outgoing as I am in my mind" a lot more than I used to be.


What Girls Said 3

  • i dint see why youd trust anyone who you don't trust. not accepting compliments is often warranted. a lot of people bullsh*t. you might be insecure but that doesn't mean everyone dealing with you is honest. I mean to say it doesn't mean you can't trust your instincts.

    if you don't act warm towards a person you trust. that's very different than being cold towards someone you don't trust.

    make you feel comfortable-about them. that's at least half of it. the other half is not worrying so much about not being cild. just think. 'i want to get to know this person;' then do what you need to do to get that done.

    dont begun with what you can't do : can't be too nice. can't be too open. can't let him know I carte etc. forget about cant. just do what you need to do to get to know him. if he is turned off he's the wrong guy. you did nothing wrong. no reason to crawl back into coldness. just be real.

    its really not hard to be real once you establish that's what yore going to do.

    you wouldn't be asking this question if you had no desire to remain fake and cold.

    so first you have to decide you really want to get to know people. then do it. little by little. stop thinking of yourself as challenged, and just be real.


    its hard for everyone. getting to know someone you like. you do it, or you dont. that's it.

  • You probably have commitment phobia. I had the same thing for a long time, actually I still might have it. Either way it's something you have to overcome. And nothing is easy. But, that being said... I don't know.

  • try to stop being so insecure, I do that, but not as extreme as you do, but I noticed it was only when I didn't trust the guy, turns out my instinct was right. I have strong instincts. but if he didn't do anything wrong try to just let loose, and let down the walls, to build a relationship it is necessary