My rigid education is the reason why I have no dating experience (23 y.o), help please ?

Long story short I am a 23 year old girl who has had a rigid education. I have no dating experience and I am starting to understand that the way I've been brought up might play a part in it.

I’d like to know how I can improve things without having to compromise my integrity.

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Growing up I was told that sex should be saved for marriage. My family looks down on women who don't respect this.

Ever since my teenage years, I have thought about why it was so and what the consequences were in terms of dating.

I have never been interested in dating throughout high school, because obviously dating was linked to sex to me, and since I wouldn't have been able to deliver sex , then there was no reason for me to date at all.

After I graduated from high school, I tried to stop worrying over this and that I should see what comes and deal with it in due time.

But dating opportunities have never risen. Perhaps due to my own inhibition and the fact that I don’t know how to and am sort of reluctant to have the right behavior that would attract guys (for example I don’t feel comfortable bringing attention to me by trying to be the prettiest or by seducing guys, so I dress nice but nothing that would make me stand out) and I would never dare attempt making the first step out of fear that this might lead me to promise too much.

Now I’m 23 and I've never dated or been asked out . As much as I understand where I come from I can’t help but feel a tiny sense of failure when I see acquaintance that are now making long term plans with their significant other and I’m not there yet.

I never talk about relationship with anyone. Other people sometimes have come and talked either about their situation or asked about mine and I felt uncomfortable answering them because I was wary of their judgement.

I don’t go out a lot and don’t go to parties as I don’t feel at ease in this type of environment. I've lost many friends because I couldn't join their activities.

I realize that most people who have had a rigid education such as mine are at least part of a religious community but I’m not because my family has never been and anyway I realize I wouldn't really fit in with them.


I’d like to point out that I am by no means a prude. I don’t view sex negatively or deny my own sexual needs. Quite the opposite, I’ve been aware of them very early and they just became more and more important through the years.

I just don’t want to feel pressured into sex, an at the same time don’t even know if I would trust myself, were I to find myself alone with someone I am sexually attracted to.

I’d like to find someone that would « love » me and respect my choice not to rush into sex, yet am aware that no man would ever want to buy the car without having tried it, and am confused as to what love without lust really is.

If anyone could offer advice, whether you've actually read all of it or not I’d gladly appreciate it


Most Helpful Guy

  • Wow that was a long read, that being said, I'm a guy and personally I'm not a fan of sex, I was on meds for a really long time that just killed sex for me so now it's just not fun. Because of that it's easy for me to control myself with girls, if you could find a guy in your area like me you'd be set, or find a Mormon. In all seriousness though there are guy's out there that won't pressure you into sex and will respect your decision not to until you're in a more committed relationship, you just have to look harder than most girls, most highly religious guys would fit that criteria, I'm not though and I would as well so there are guys out there.

    • Thanks for reading everything. It's good to know that there are men who won't pressure women into sex.

      I think my issue really comes from how I view relationships and what is needed to do to establish one. And I mainly view them as sharing intimacy. I admit I have a very hard time understanding how two persons could be together if there weren't sexually attracted to each other. Most of the time, people do't fall in love firsthand, they're in lust and then if they share some emotional

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    • Yes you're right. It reminds me that this is how I used to view the whole thing many years ago. I did have a best guy friend during ten years but it didn't really end well. The whole experience is probably the reason why I changed my mind about this. Thanks for your answers

    • Anytime :)

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What Guys Said 3

  • Go out in public, smile and say 'Hi' to guys that you think are cute, have a 3-minute conversation about anything random and then say "Well, it was nice chatting with you but I have to go!" and sooner or later, they'll stop you and ask for your number. As a girl, getting a guy to date you is as easy as:

    1) Not being repugnant

    2) Appearing friendly and open to initiation

    3) Talking for a few minutes

    Guys will do the rest since you're practically spoon-feeding them your number.

    • You make it sound so easy to do. Unfortunately, I am not a very open person. I don't go up to people and chat with them, or if I do that is because I have very specific questions to ask and reasons to do so. Lately, I've been mostly by myself. Also I absolutely have no idea how to flirt, or signal interest, and don't know if I would be comfortable doing so. So most of the time if I talk to a guy, he most likely gets strong vibes that I am not interested in him in anyway.

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    • I've talked to guys. Since last year where I've mostly been hanging by myself because I don't know anyone where I am and am rather focused on school matters, but aside from this I have talked to guys. Not a huge amount of them (because like I said I am not that social, don't go out this much etc..) but well I usually talk to people, guys included, and I used to be much more open when I was in younger. But this never led me anywhere with guys So I am tempted to think that my issue isn't just

    • that I'm too shy, but that perhaps there I s some vibes I send that make people think I am disinterested, boring.

      I realize what I wrote sounds contradictory. I don't go up to people I don't know to chat. But still if people come to me to talk I will talk with them. I used to be in a field where there were mostly men and very few girls so I found interacting with them nonetheless. Yet as I said, it never resulted in anything.

  • I'd date you, exactly as you are, there's lots of us out there, and as many girls (and guys) in your shoes. Don't change yourself. It's hot.

    • Really? It comes to me as a surprise. I've always felt a sense of being different from my peers because of this. When I was in high school female friends never talked abut guys in front of me. I don't really know how to explain this but it's as if to others, I just wasn't concerned by this huge part of human life that relationships are. I don't understand how one who looks overall disinterested in relationships can be "attractive".

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    • I never saw things that way. Most people would view this as being a prude, as being too serious. They would think that there are some issues regarding intimacy and opening up to others, or they would sense that I am restricted in some way and would look down on me for having no experience (to them I'd just be a "child"). I have found most people admire those who can embrace freedom and do whatever they please. I truly hope there are some more people left who think the way you do.

    • If humanity was a pyramid, not like a food pyramid, but like an Egyptian pyramid with the limestone still intact, the average weathered robbed scum at the bottom, at the top of it is the elite of class, intelligence, character, etc. There is less of it and it is tougher to get to, but it is better quality. You don't need to try everything before you know it is amazing and dating experience isn't a prerequisite for incredible passion. Oh and saving something makes it so much more exciting later.

  • 23 and never had a boyfriend? well if it makes you feel better, I just turned 25 and have never had a girlfriend


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