Is physical appearance that important ?

Hello everyone !

So I had a little question. I'm a bit confused with regards to where my dating life is going at the moment. Indeed, I'm 22 and I haven't had many serious relationships. I used to be bullied when I was younger, because I was supposedly " ugly ". Then, I dated a guy who never even complimented me once during our whole year together. He truly made me feel quite ugly.

Now, I met quite a few people on dating websites but they don't find me attractive at all. I never get one single email and the only messages I get are from 50-year-old losers.

Hence, I've learned how to deal with the fact that I'm not attractive. However, I would like to know, how to deal with the dating world with such hurdle ? How to overcome the fact that you're not super attractive ? I suppose everyone is entitled to be in a relationship and beauty shouldn't prevail. Unfortunately, reality makes it harder.

Any advice ?

Thank you,

Ps : Yes, that's me on the avatar picture.
Ps 2 : " Entitled " was not the right word. What I meant is that everybody deserves to be in a relationship. There is no sense of entitlement here.
Ps 3 : Please, stop with your plastic surgery ideas. I don't even have 25k alright. I'm still in college and I have other priorities at the moment than spending money I don't even have on plastic surgery. That's unrealistic.


Most Helpful Guy

  • I'm going to be brutally honest but don't worry, I'm not going to be as negative as you might think.

    First of all, yeah, you're not drop dead super model gorgeous (who really is), but I'm sure you already know that. On the flip side, I don't see any serious appearance issues that would be a hindrance in getting dates. Your an above average looking girl who I would likely rate a 6-7 out of 10.

    Since you mentioned online dating I'll use that to make my point since I think it illustrates it quite well. Both genders have a tendency to always want to date the most attractive person in the room. Who wouldn't. Of course all other things aside, our first choice for a date will be the most attractive person, our second choice the second most attractive person, and on down the list. What that means is that unless you are a 9-10, maybe an 8 depending on the "room", your not going to get as much attention because your not first on the list. What this means for you is that most men, without anything else to go on, will rarely consider you their first choice. That's why with online dating, when looks are really all you can go by (nobody reads have the stuff in your profile until later and they don't trust half of it anyway). When you are presented with 1000's of human being to choose from, of course your going to pick out the 10's to message, which means 6-8's get lost in the mix, even though they are still fairly attractive. This also explains why those really hot girls on online dating are literally getting 100's of messages a week. Because every guy on the site is funneling to her profile. So contrary to popular belief online dating is not your best bet if you are not hot dating commodity.

    I have two suggestions for you that I think will do you some good, as I know it worked well for one of my own GF's.

    1. Be more outgoing and take initiative. Dating is like window shopping, but if a sales person walks up to you, gives you a coupon, and drags you into the store, your more likely to make a purchase, even if you otherwise had no intention on shopping at that store. Point is, you may find that a guy will fall for you if you make the first move in getting to know him. This is how me and my first love met who to this day is still the best Girlfriend I ever had. We met at a party, I felt she was average looking so didn't go out of my way to court her. She made the first move asking for my number. I took the cue and gave it a shot. Soon I got past her slightly above average looks because she was such a great person. Point is, I wouldn't have asked her out on my own. She needed to encourage me. Studies show knowing someone likes us, makes us like them more.

    2. Be confident. Don't be self defeating openly. Is screams psychological issues to men. Also don't fish for compliments which is common among women in your shoes. Especially in relationships, guys don't like girls who require constant compliments. Though I'll admit, your past Boyfriend was too extreme.

    • how do you know she's a 6-7? you think she's on the avatar pic? I doubt.

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    • You do realize that ratings make absolutely no-sense whatsoever. They're just numbers in my opinion. However, thanks for your comment.

    • I realize that, but its the simplest way, especially over the internet to give a quick overall rating how attractive a person is. Obviously we're all unique and have certain positives and negatives, not to mention personality comes into play, but I don't know you. Just keep your head up, your a very beautiful girl.

Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 10

  • Unfortunately, not everyone is blessed with a ton of beauty. No one is ever going to mistake me for a movie star, for example.

    So, you have to use what you have. You can still have a great personality, be funny, be outgoing, and be sexy. All of those are attractive qualities and are mostly about ATTITUDE rather than looks.

    The problem with most dating websites is that they are 90+% about looks. They're like seeing someone from across the room; you don't get much if anything about their personality, you just get to see the outside.

    In order to get interest from guys, you've got to GO OUTSIDE, and go where single guys are going to be, and then TALK to them. You have to let them see that you are outgoing, relaxed, fun, and sexy. That means you can't sit in a dark corner of the room and watch and listen, you have to sit in the CENTER of the room and actively get involved in the conversation, laugh at the jokes with the group, and let them get to know you beyond your outer shell. Once you do that, you'll get a lot more interest, because your looks will only be one small part of what guys know about you, while right now, that's ALL they know about you.

    Will you have to work harder at this than some other girls? YES. Does that mean taking more chances, and putting yourself out there more? YES. But it's also the only thing that's going to work, outside of a very chance encounter that you shouldn't bank on. What I can promise you for sure is that you aren't going to meet any guys sitting at home. Make it your mission in life to find where single guys go, and then BE THERE having fun with them. That's how you win.

    • This basically is just another way of stating my point #1. Spot on. Too many girls sit in the proverbial corner hoping and praying that a guy will walk over and ask them out, but in reality most guys are not that bold. You have to open a friendly dialog and get involved socially before a guy will think to ask you out. He's got to get to know you a bit first. Contrary to popular belief, guys do care about personality. We won't jsut walk up and ask a girl from across the room just cause she's prety.

  • I forgot to add this:

    If you ARE going to use dating websites, then you need to use the very best pictures you can of yourself. Example: your profile pic has you in a nice dress, but you aren't standing straight, your posture is slumped, and so you look worse in the picture than you actually are.

    Try to find someone who is a professional (or semi-pro) photographer and volunteer to be a "free" model for him in trade for copies of the pics. He will pose you properly, use good lighting, and take 100's of pictures of you so he can pick out 5-10 of the best ones (this is EXACTLY how professional photoshoots work, BTW). If you've never seen yourself in a real, professional picture, you have no idea how good you can look to a camera.

    It might not turn you into a movie star, but you'll have a big step up compared to a lot of girls who post crappy cell phone pics of themselves.

    Ask him for a couple of out-door photoshoots to get the best results.

    • Ok. However, this was not the picture I was using on the dating website.

    • I understand that. I'm just making a point. I've seen SO MANY girls' pictures on dating websites where the picture did a huge disservice to the girl, and I'm amazed that they picked THAT picture for their profile. This was more general advice to all girls who use dating sites.

  • If this is you on the avatar pic, then I am stumped as to why no gut has ever found you attractive, I feel sorry for your exes, because there's got to be a few of them that are kicking themselves right now, you have talent, how its gone unnoticed is beyond me, I can't see you waiting much longer for that guy who is worthy of you,x

    • Thank you for your comment. I hope you're right regarding the last sentence :)

    • Oh I'm pretty sure I am, because not all guys can be this blind to a talent worthy of theirs, so you won't need it, but good luck anyway,x

  • When you're young, appearance is mainly about genetics. As you get older, how you take care of yourself matters a lot.

    Which is another way of saying - as you get older, most of your competition gets fat.

    Tons of 18 year olds have great bodies, and if they don't have a gorgeous face, they're 'ugly'.

    As you get older, that's less true - being in good shape is rare, and a 'so so' face with a very good (not perfect) body starts looking relatively good.

    Keep in shape, have a hair cut that suits you, dress well, and know that you are offering a decent physical package to go with whatever other attributes you have.

  • The guy went out with you for a year. He must have been attracted to you on some level. I'm sure there are guys who like you. Internet dating is different because people are naturally gonna be a lot pickier. I saw your picture . I wouldn't describe you as ugly.

    • Thanks for your comment. Alright, so just like in real life, Internet dating requires to look like Kim Kardashian or Beyonce. Hence, it just sums up what I just said, it's almost impossible for below-average to average looking people, to meet someone.

    • First of all. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. You just used Kim Kardashian as an example of "beauty". I find her kind of gross. Forget what the media tells you beauty is. It's a lot deeper than looks. Learn to love yourself, without becoming conceited.

  • I find it quite hard to believe that only '50-year-old losers' would contact you on a dating site. From experience (fake profiles, not actually me lol!) I know that even vastly overweight women or disabled women get more messages than most men on online dating, do you live in the middle of nowhere or something? Also, did you try messaging any guys? If so, how did that go?

    You appear to be at a healthy weight which pretty much puts you in the top 50% of women in the west already. I can't really tell from your photo but it doesn't look like there is much wrong with you either, the guy who said you look like a 6-7/10 isn't far off, I would say you are slightly above average. I really don't think your appearance would stop you getting a boyfriend, maybe not the boyfriend you want but its actually hard to believe that nobody at all is interested. All I can suggest is to try meeting more men.

    • Yep. I tried to contact a few of those who visited my profile, but none of them responded. Even the overweight guy with acne (I not trying to put anyone down here, I'm just stating a fact). Honestly, I'm not even looking for a super-hot boyfriend, just someone "normal".

  • Looks matter. Nobody knows this better than ugly people. Seeing as how you're a girl, just wait around and you'll find a guy that will like you.

  • Hey

    I'm visually triggered in every way

    So if someone looks awesome (no not beautifull) in any way it's draws my attention

    It could really be anything, hair, clothes, shoes, make up

    But there is something about girls with a big smile...

  • my advice: plastic surgery.

    • Thanks, but I am looking for constructive answers. Not some kind of non-sense.

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    • I beleive its her.

      She's not ugly. she also looks older then 22. Which isn't such a big deal.

      However, I bet she wasn't 'cute' as a kid. So she may have been an 'ugly kid' even though she's not, now, an ugly woman.

      So ... QA recognizing that your face is better for a woman then a teen ... maybe just knowing that helps.

    • Honestly, I'm almost turning 23 so I'm not a teen anymore.

  • I'm not saying this to make you feel better, I'm saying it because it's true: you're not ugly at all. You're above average, your body looks good, I don't really see any problem in the looks department.

    Maybe it's something else. Maybe the way you present yourself... Maybe you have an unattractive habit you're not aware of or something. Maybe you give off a desperate vibe (not trying to offend, just throwing ideas that come to mind). Cause it's hard to believe it's your looks, when you look just fine.


What Girls Said 1