Issue in our past with someone she slept with while she knew me

I've been talking to this girl for around five months. We've had a romantic connection for quite some time but she had a boyfriend when we met. She broke up with him about a month after we started talking and there was definitely a connection between us and we were very close. About a week after we kissed for the first time she went out to dinner with an old boyfriend, and she told me that if her doing anything with him would upset me she wouldn't because she didn't want to disrupt what we had. I told her I didn't want her to sleep with him and the night she did, she called me crying telling me she slept with him and asking me not to be mad at her.

The next day she clearly felt bad, but at the same time didn't want to come off as too apologetic because she felt like she hadn't done anything wrong since we weren't dating and she had known this guy since she was 13 or something (we're 23 now). I told her that it upset me, but that I knew I didn't really have a right to be upset about it and that I knew she was in a complicated situation because she had just gotten out of a long term relationship.

Things with her have progressed quite a bit since that time but that still bothers me because I had feelings for her and it definitely hurt that she did that. It certainly still gets to me but I'm not constantly bringing it up reminding her of it. She has a personality, however, where she kind of likes to make jokes by pushing her boundaries, and earlier today we were on the phone and she was saying how she missed her period and she made a joke about how maybe it was this guy's baby, to which I said, jokes like that aren't funny, make me uncomfortable, and I don't like it when you make them, which I've said to her before. And I didn't say it in a mean way, but I was firm when I said it. And she got upset and said "if you're not gonna let that go maybe we should let this go" and that I'm trying to control the way she acts, which I never do or even meant to do.

She tried to justify it by saying that we hadn't been doing anything sexual at the time she slept with him. She and I still haven't had sex and she's told me she's not ready for a boyfriend, but I know that she wants to date me and really likes me (this may sound naive, but I'm confident that that's true), so we're at a point where we're trying to "just have fun". Our relationship is a lot more intimate than people who are just casually dating, and I'm certain that if I had done to her what she did to me she probably wouldn't speak to me again, or she would at least remain upset about it for a long time. She has frequently gotten jealous about random, insignificant interactions I've had with other girls, but we have no official label.

I'm just curious to see what you guys thing about what I said. I don't think I'm being controlling or overreacting when I calmly ask her not to make jokes about that because it upsets me. Thanks for any advice you guys can provide, sorry this is so long, haha


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  • main question: is she still in contact with her ex?

    • No, she's not. He's asked her to go out with him again and she's said no

    • But I guess I should clarify. It's not that she'll never talk to him. Her family loves him and has known him forever and they all want her to end up with him. If she and I dated I would definitely see him in the future.