Is jealousy the standard?

Been seeing a girl for 2 months, one month exclusively. I told her my ground rules in dating that I don't appreciate jealousy and will not tolerate being disrespected. With that being said it has been a great time with her until this past weekend. While out for good ol' St Patrick's day I was talking with my friend's wife and my girlfriend turned to me and said "really?" as if I was doing something wrong by talking with her. She got pissed and actually left the bar, I saw absolutely nothing wrong with what I did and refused to go get her and my buddy ended up getting her back to the bar. When she came back and talked she mentioned she's a "jealous" person but promised this won't ever happen again which I highly doubt. She will probably just keep it in until one day it just blows up. In her past relationships guys have cheated on her and I have not given her one reason why I would cheat but I will never prove that I won't cheat, I shouldn't have to. Dating exclusively is enough of a statement that I won't cheat. I know I'm a flirty/good looking guy and have plenty of opportunities to make "friends" but when I do date women I treat them how they should be treated and I expect the same in return. I have extremely high standards and still debating ending this relationship because either way you look at it this will surface again eventually. Looking for some outside viewpoints.


Most Helpful Girl

  • It's really hard to trust lately and it's surprising how ruthless people can be in terms of cheating. People go years and years before realizing they're being cheated on. And the people that you would least expect it from are the ones who are doing it. Yes, it sucks that she's cautious and afraid of being hurt but sorry that's life. When you get hurt repeatedly, you're afraid of putting yourself out there. And to be honest, if you're a "flirty" guy, maybe you should have enough respect for your girlfriend not to flirt with other women in front of her. That's just basic respect. No other woman deserves your attention in that manner except for her. I'm sure in your head you were just talking to your friend's wife, but maybe she noticed you got a little bit more flirtatious than you should have.

    You never know who to trust and just because you say you won't cheat on her, doesn't mean that that's the truth. People lie ALL the time saying they would NEVER hurt their significant other in that way, and they do it anyways. So maybe you should show her loyalty by not disrespecting her and flirting with other women in front of her. Because that's not gonna make trusting you any easier.

    If you think it's not worth it to put a little patience and understanding into things then obviously she's not the one for you. Because if you really care about her, you'd be willing to work through things.


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What Girls Said 2

  • My first instinct was that you're kind of a high-maintenance jerk. Then I realized that I've been in the same boat. My very handsome boyfriend was cheated on by his last two girlfriends. I am completely faithful, completely honest with him, and have nothing to hide, but I get pretty offended when I am accused of infidelity. I don't think it is reasonable for me to be punished for their misdeeds, and I have shouted as much at the top of my lungs during fights on the subject.

    Personally, I appreciate a little jealousy. A LITTLE jealousy is acknowledgement that I am an attractive woman whose presence and appearance are appreciated by other men. I'm not DOING anything with anyone else. Boyfriend is the one going home with me and sleeping in my bed at the end of the night. A little jealousy is appreciation that I am with him because I choose to be, not because I have to be.

    I shouldn't have to justify why I missed a condom when I unpacked my backpack after our camping trip so there's still one in there today. I shouldn't have to explain why that dude over there just had the waitress bring me a whiskey. Some assclown throwing an empty cigarette pack onto my patio doesn't mean I had someone over for a rendezvous. I feel your pain, so I guess I'm a high-maintenance jerk myself.

    I stepped back and thought hard about my guy in the midst of all this drama, and I thought about what I wanted. It's true that I have other options, but I decided that I wanted to work on what I had instead of calling it quits, because the good parts are worth the effort. I try to be more reasonable and not just fly off the handle when he gets jealous, and talk about the sh*t instead. That has helped. We have been together longer, and I guess more trust has been established. Think about this broad and decide whether the good stuff is worth trying to work on the bad stuff. It can get better if you're willing to make the investment. One caveat, though: good-lookin' guys will deal with at least a little jealousy from nearly every woman. It might behoove you, even if you decide to cut your losses with this one, to work on being cool and measured when you are unjustly accused of being a hottie for whom sluts are crawling all over the place.

  • "Dating exclusively is enough of a statement that I won't cheat."

    While I understand your frustrations, I just wanted to touch on that statement for a second. Dating someone exclusively doesn't at all indicate that you won't cheat. In fact, cheating isn't even possible until you're in an exclusive relationship because otherwise you're both free to date whomever you want. There is no way to prove you're not cheating really. You can only do your best to respect the boundaries of the relationship and show that you're only interested in one person.

    With that being said... Your girlfriend's reaction was really immature and it probably does hint to what you'll be seeing in the future. You could still give her some time though and see what happens. If she continues to be irrational and jealous all the time then end it.

    • The first full-length paragraph is good, but I don't agree with what you said in the second paragraph. It isn't immature to be jealous. Her jealousy, which wasn't that bad, is because she has been cheated on in the past. That would make anyone feel insecure.

    • You misunderstand me. It's not her jealousy that I think is immature, it was her reaction to it. Jealousy can be perfectly fine if you know how to handle yourself, but some people handle it very poorly. And in my opinion, making snarky comments and storming out of the bar is pretty immature.

What Guys Said 3

  • The reason that she is "jealous" is because she has already been hurt from past experiences. It is too bad that so many people are getting hurt these days. You see, the thing is, if you (you in general) get cheated on enough, you start to have a hard time opening up and trusting other people. You start to get insecure. Give it some time. It takes time for trust to build, especially trust that has been knocked down incrementally by other relationships.

    Have some care. Have some sympathy. Be responsive to her emotional needs. If she says "really?" ask her what she means. If she apologized, that is good enough. Of course, it also depends on what you were talking about with your friend's wife.

    She says she will never do it again, but that isn't true. Yes, it is true that it could happen again, but that doesn't mean that you have to stop listening to her or caring about her just because she does that. That is something you have to live with. If she does that again, just be patient with her. If you care about her, then you will understand her feelings.

    Dating is not enough of a statement that people don't cheat, and that statement is false. I'm sure those people who eventually cheated thought the same way about that before they cheated.

    You can't prove that you will not cheat, because you can't prove what will not happen, especially because it is in the future. But you can always be there for her. You can treat women how they should be treated - with respect - but you shouldn't expect respect in return. What I mean is that even if someone (your girlfriend) makes a mistake or does that accidentally, don't hold it against her. If people don't respect you, just hold your ground and (as Coach John Wooden said in his book "The Essential Wooden : A Lifetime of Lessons on Leaders and Leadership") "Disagree without becoming disagreeable". Be understanding. Be empathic. Be reasonable.

    Communicate. Ask your girlfriend what it is she thought she saw. Don't try to tell her that it wasn't what she saw (in an angry manner). Just listen to what she has to say. Then you can get to the bottom of what she thought she saw. Like gonyr below said, "did she know it was your buddy's wife?" Just because you see something one way doesn't mean your girlfriend saw everything in a clear light. Explain, and hope that she understands what happened.

    If you understand her feelings and listen to her whenever anything happens, she will trust you. She will see that you are a great listener (if you listen) and will be more willing to open up in the future.

  • A little bit of jealousy is natural. Did she know it was your buddy's wife?

    If you like her enough than its worth it to work through. And while some are worse than others, you will not find a girl who doesn't ever get jealous. It's in the nature...or they are faking it.

    • Good one. I agree with you. Everybody has to live with jealousy at some point.

  • I'm the same as you, guy. I've never cheated and will never cheat, but I don't date jealous bitches who will ruin my life just because some previous guy made them cry a little.

    Damaged goods is damaged goods. I don't deserve to get treated like a potential cheater any more than she deserves to get treated like a potential prostitute.

    • Wayyy harsh and unnecessary.

    • Overly jealous girls need to realize something - you can't be a jealous shrew and expect there to be no consequences. You can't accuse your innocent partner of stuff, and expect there to be no consequences.

      Jealous bitches need to be dumped as soon as they show their true colors.