In tired of always waiting. what does he want?

Hi everyone.

I don’t usually post online but I’m at my wits trying to understand something.

We’ve known each other for almost 7 years now, and we’ve dated on and off about 5 times. He was my first love. I was 18 then and we are now at our mid-20’s.

We’ve always broken up before for many reasons; jealousy, small fights, we would stop speaking for about a month and then we would become friends again and start dating again. The longest that we didn’t speak was about 4 months.

I left the country once before for 2 years and he kept in touch everyday; even after he had gotten himself a live-in girlfriend. I was heartbroken.

He cheated on his girlfriend (they were a year then) with me, and I know it was wrong but all that time I believed it would be me in the end. But he left, saying he wanted to be good bf.

She ended up cheating on him and leaving him a year after that.

I on the other hand have been exclusively dating a guy I thought I loved for about a year; (I didn’t want to jump in because I developed a sort of fear of relationships)

I decided not to speak with my ex anymore because I didn’t want to get all confused. He contacted me a day before new year’s eve and said he didn’t want us to be that way all the way until 2013. I refused to speak to him.

January 31st he shows up at our home with a bouquet of white roses, asking me to forgive him in front of my family. He said I was important and that he couldn’t live with not having me around.

I forgave him. The guy I was seeing then, knew about this.

He started asking me out on friendly dates, and I would go. I was confident I wouldn’t give in, but I did after about 10 dates.

On those dates he would visit me at work when I had to stay late for OT, and he would always drop me home.

I told the other guy I was seeing that I had fallen in love with someone else and so we stopped seeing each other.

Things with my ex got serious though; we would go out 2-3 times a week, we started making plans about going places and trying new things. But in the beginning he told me he couldn’t commit. So we agreed that if one of us fell in love we would stop seeing each other.

It was confusing, he said he didn’t want to commit but he would check in on me daily, I would do the same back. Remind me to eat dinner, drop me home after every date and surprise me at work. Once he got out of a meeting to pick me up after I lost my wallet. He waited 4 hours.

About 2 weeks ago we had a fight because he cancelled on me twice in a row. He said he couldn't make it for our monthsary (we use the one from back when we were teens) because he wanted to get some rest before Monday came. I was so mad that I went out with my friends.

I saw on his twitter account that he was complaining that I couldve been taking care of him while he was sick instead of going out and enjoying with someone else.

Next day I thought we were okay, it was our monthsary. I didn't bother asking him out again because he declined the first time,

he goes out with 2 of gis female friends. I was so mad I tried to break it off. After a few answers he stopped replying and didn't speak to me for 3 days. He contacted me on the 3rd day asking if I was still mad and if I was ready to talk about it. He told me he just wanted to get back at me for going out and celebrating with someone else and that if I understood he would make it up to me.
I told him I had already fallen in love with him, and he said he didn't have an answer. And that he didn't want to say anything that we would both regret. He asked me to wait because he isn't ready for a relationship; because he is still broken and that all he notices are everything that I do wrong.I told him to just tell it to me straight that he doesn't love me back, but he again asked me to just wait and give him time.This was a week ago. He's being distant. I'm confused. :(


Most Helpful Guy

  • WOW!

    To be honest with you it sounds to me like you two are trying to re-kindle your first experience, but based on all the event s that have happened. The persistant betrayal of trusts, the attempts to stir jealousy in each other and all the other stuff just really is unhealthy, and it leads me to think that you two really aren't right for each other but when you're lonely or even when you're not you remember those early days of first love.

    As the saying goes, "you can't go home again" and it seems to me it is applicable in this case. and In my opinion you two should just cut the cord and say a final farewell.

    But if you decide you want to be with him and vice versa, do it. Do it maturely and with an intent on commitment. I think if you two are going to be together you need to stop all the bullsh** and do it. It's pretty f*cked up that you two have hurt other people in the process of deciding whether or not you two are together.

    Like you said you're in your mid-20s now, you two aren't 18, the relationship has got to mature if it's going to work

    • Your comment made me cry. Yes we have hurt a lot of people in the process of deciding.

      A final farewell seems only fair. I've decided to lay it all out for him but because I can't do this in person I'd better write a letter. I know he will only try to stop me if we're face to face and I'm afraid I might give in.

      Thank you for your help. I will take all of your advises seriously.

    • kinda makes me cry that I may have made you cry. I'm sorry, it wasn't my intent I just responded based on what I heard. I know for me I had a two time getting over my second girlfriend. She was the first person I REALLY loved and in my mind there was always this romantic idea that we'd be together (even though we weren't good for each other). I'd constantly go back and forth, sometimes hooking up, sometimes hurting each other. It took about 3 years but finally I realized I/we had to move on

Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 11

  • You've been in this twilight relationshp for so many years now. If he were EVER going to commit, he would have done it by now. I think he'll always be like this, wanting to be close, but anting freedom at the same time.

    Of course, you can't have freedom and commitment, together?! He is living in his own world that ordinary people aren't going to understand, right?

    His other relationship, not surprisingly, was also full of the same wonder it didn't work out.

    I'd say, give him an ultimatum, no more whining, no more excuses, no more mind games...

    • You make so much sense. I also have been thinking that if he were going to he should have ages ago.

      I will take your advise. Thank you.

  • After seven years, it's time to move on. If it were only a few months, I'd say give it more time.

    My girl is so busy, we only get a few minutes a week tops. That she lives in another country and can only converse with me the few minutes a week she has free time to get online, while she attends an architecture school that demands a lot of her time, only complicates things further. So in that instance, I realize I'm required to be patient if I want any results at all.

    But in your case, the guy has no excuse. Cut him loose. And don't be tempted to sleep with him or anything. That will only make it harder to say goodbye. Drive off and don't look in the rearview mirror.

    In your case, I'd take Chely Wright's advice on this:

    • Yes, I have been stuck like this for ages. I understand your point.

      Thank you, I'll watch the video. :)

  • I agree with most of the gents that gave some solid advice. I just gotta chime in and say this is completely messed up and the amount of drama created in 7 years time is ripe for a movie or something out 90210! This just makes my blood boil because I've seen and heard these relationships happen and it's absolutely destructive on a mental ,emotional, psychological level for both sides.

    This was completely messed up to begin with because it was never gonna work out to begin with. It's essentially a vicious cycle of jealousies, insecurities, lack of trust, fights, which lead to cheating etc. This is the definition of a toxic relationship and toxic love. He's SO insecure and seems to mature DOWNHILL over the years. No lesson have been learned! You said it yourself...'he's broken'. You don't go back to him EVER. Years and years of the same turmoil is enough.

    What I don't understand is that over the years, don't you have close friends/family/parents that warned you about him and how messed up this relationship is?

  • You need to stop all contact with this guy forever! He's already wasted enough of your time.

    I feel bad for the guy you dated for a year and ditched.

  • Honestly when I read that you went out on 10 friendly dates while having a boyfriend makes you sound like a terrible person and then break up with your boyfriend for this emotional douche that hasn't committed yet because he sees things wrong with u, but keeps contacting you and trying to make it up to you by doing things for you and then you guys create drama out of nothing... Your better off alone then with this roller coaster guy but chances are he will make it up to you and you will forgive him and the same predictable sh*t will happen because your both broken train wrecks at this point

    • There's no doubt that I have been terrible. There's no excuse for that.

      Believe me after 7 years I have a timetable for when sh*t between us is about to take place (because it keeps happening) but thank you, that last part about us being wrecks was an eye opener. Some things just need to come from someone else before you yourself realize it.

  • He's being distant because he's not ready to say that or he doesn't want to say that. Distance usually means he's avoiding something he'd know will come up. And from what I read, it will come up. The best thing you can both do is move on. The relationships you two have had don't sound healthy even on good days. I'll just say call it quits and move on. Good luck.

    • I asked him to pick; either to be with me always (in a committed relationship) or call it quits and he can leave for good.

      I think like what I have towards him he has developed a familiarity and does not want the first option but can't live with the 2nd more.

      We talked last night and I made it clear that I didn't want any more gray areas. Either stay or bust.

      Thank you for your comment. :)

  • short and sweet - dump him and move on!

    This kind of relationship never gets better!

    • I am optimistic in the most inconvenient way but I will seriously think about this.

      Thank you for the advise. :)

  • ASK HIM. communicate communicate communicate

  • you 2 need better communication. see a therapist

  • We want what we can't have.

    Also, patience is a virtue

  • The both of you are train wrecks who quite frankly have exhibited so much stupidity and lack of maturity that I can't even begin to give solid advice.

    This relationship should have ended years ago, and I'm sure you gave up some great relationships to be with this guy because it was familiar.

    I just want to know how you can fight all the time, break up 5 different times, refuse to speak to each other at times, watch each other cheat (literally), and then actually think this relationship is healthy and will work out.

    Even for your age you clearly have some growing up to do. I'm sorry but the both of you sound like emotional nut jobs. That's the harsh 100% truth.

    • No, I totally agree.

      And you are right about me giving up on great relationships to be with him. I've been seeing it now.

      Thank you for your comment.

What Girls Said 1

  • He is childish. "getting back at you" for going out with friends? Also I wouldn't put too much stock in a relationship that keeps getting broke up so much, sorry. And also, if he cheated on his girlfriend with you, he is pretty likely to cheat on you, but you aren't even in a real relationship, since he doesn't want to commit. Which means you shouldn't have been too upset with him flaking, since you agreed not to commit. Any way, I personally think this 'relationship' is all kinds of crazy, and I wouldn't deal with it if I was you. You both need to just stop. Stop seeing each other, stop talking to each other, and move on.

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