Should I tell my boyfriend why I feel insecure, at the cost of revealing that I read his texts?

I've been insecure ever since I read his texts with a female friend. Okay, I know I totally dug my own grave with this one.

Anyway, we broke up for a month before getting back together. While breaking up with me, he told me that he talked to a female acquaintance (who didn't know me at all and him barely) about the decision, and she motivated him to make it, saying "why are you even with her?" after hearing his side of the story.

We got back together. He left his phone at my place one day, and I noticed that he got a message from a girl he met during study-abroad, who he has been messaging regularly. It occurred to me that she might be the person who he discussed the decision with.

Sure enough, I scrolled through their conversation and saw bits and pieces of it. Worse, I found that they even moved the conversation over to a video chat so they can discuss it in-detail. That's a level to their relationship I hadn't expected.

I speak the same Asian language as her, and after she found out we got back together, she first made a joke saying he should have an Asian girlfriend, then sent him a proverb in our language that he didn't understand. She said: "The closest tower gets the moon." Clearly insinuating that there's nothing special about me, and that I'm only with him because I happen to be in America and go to school with him while she's thousands of miles away. And also that I'm just some generic "tower", a dime a dozen, while he's some coveted "moon." Also implying that she is also a "tower" who wants to reach the moon. When he asked her for the definition, she gave him a round-about definition, saying "oh I'm glad you are able to be with someone close to you."

I don't fault her for encouraging him to break up with me in the first place, exactly, because I probably would've done the same. I know he likes to discuss intense personal issues with people who don't know him very well so that they can only reinforce his decisions rather than challenge them. While I wish he didn't do this, because it makes me feel completely powerless and irrelevant, I understand it's his method of survival and can respect that. But I am very offended and threatened by her comment, as well as their continued correspondence. I know that she is trying to learn English, but there really is no reason to message him saying, "Hey we should talk every day so I can learn English." or make insulting and dismissive comments about his girlfriend.

I want to let my boyfriend know that her comment bothered me a lot, and frankly it planted a seed of doubt in my mind. I also saw some old break-up texts, and noticed that he told his last ex that she'd always be the last woman he was ever with. That also hurt. If he can say such deep, emotional things to her then sh*t all over his words, he sure as hell can do the same to me. Should I let him know my insecurity at the cost of revealing that I invaded his privacy?

But the things is... I'm sure at the time he meant what he said to his ex. He really did go through almost an entire year thinking he'd never date again... until I confessed to him. And I don't doubt that he means what he says when he tells me he loves me. But what CONSTANTLY bothers me is the thought: "sure, for how long?"

How can I fault him for changing his mind, if that's just who he is?


Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 1

  • Let him know of the insecurity and the concerns you're feelings right now over the relationship of yours. You clearly deserve an explanation, and enlightenment.

    • But I'd have to tell him that I read his texts! I have no idea how he might respond to that... :/

What Girls Said 1

  • Wow.. This is scary how much this sounds like a situation I had happen to me last year. Except my ex and I were both in California and his ex that he still contacted and was very much still in love with was in Europe. Even though this girl your man is talking to isn't close in distance, it is still emotional cheating he is doing, and hurtful. I know you don't want to admit that you snooped, which is understandable. I felt the same way when I had snooped messages. But in the end, what is there to lose? You can't go on pretending that everything is okay, that will only lower your self-respect for yourself, and you don't deserve to feel that way. Admit to him your feelings, and whatever happens after that and how he reacts was meant to happen this way. Voice your hurt and concerns. Secondly, if he still says he loves her than you must leave. Do not allow yourself to be second-choice or second-best, because believe me there is someone in this world that will treat you like you are the breath of air they need to survive. I wish you only the best, and that you find happiness from a hard situation.

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