Why men pull away when everything seems great?

We've been dating for three months. Nothing's official yet, though all of his friends keep saying we need to, and I've met his family. We have good chemistry, enjoy one another's company, rarely argue, and a couple weeks ago we'd made plans to hang out with his family.

And then...he cancels. The texting stops abruptly, though he still answers when I initiate texts. He's given me no indication that I've done something wrong. The last time I saw him was on good terms, we'd made plans, everything seemed cool.

Then today I read something interesting about this man withdrawal phenomenon, lol: he's pulling away because he likes you too much or is, heaven forbid, falling in love (doubtful, but maybe he's withdrawing because the relationship we have is advancing?) And I think, had I gone to hang out with him and his family for a weekend, that would have advanced the dating to the next level, and that may have freaked him out. That's why he canceled last minute.

So anyway, my questions are 1) is this reason for withdrawal legit, and have you dudes done this before? and 2) should I be worried? Is he so afraid of commitment that he'll get turned off and start playing the field again?

Give me your thoughts, peeps. Right now, I'm playing it cool, letting him have his space, but this is really bugging me.

He has been silent for almost a week, and said he canceled on me 'cause he was busy. Well, the weekend came and went and still nothing, so I texted him to make sure things were okay. He said they were. Very curt convo. So I was curious and checked his dating profile (we met there) and it said he'd recently been online. So...he's clearly still looking...which kinda shows me that he may have lost interest in me.

But if that's the case, why not just be straightforward and tell me it's over? Ugh
Damn, just read this: link

Perfect to my situation. Maybe that's my answer.


Most Helpful Guy

  • Guys are not strange creatures. If he's pulling away, there is normally a simple reason for it.

    Either he doesn't and hasn't wanted a serious relationship from day one, and you've always been nothing but a f*** buddy/trophy girl/hook up, or he simply has simply stopped liking you as much as you used to based on what he's learned about you.

    Let's put it this way, never ever in my life (seriously not once), have I ever known a guy to pull away from a girl for any reason other than those two things. Every time I've seen a guy jump ship after a short period of time was because he wasn't that into her to begin with and she was a hook up, or he basically realized she's isn't as amazing as he thought and doesn't wish to take things any further.

    Why isn't he being straight forward you ask? Well ask yourself, have you ever had to reject a guy? If so, what was one of the first things that went through your head? Point is, everyone in this world is to afraid to be the bad guy and directly hurt someone's feelings, so instead they beat around the bush, drop hints, and hope that things will just fade away so that they don't have the burden of having to confront you with bad news. Basically people need to grow a pair,

    • Nice. Thank you. Clears things up. I'm gonna contact him tonight to end it officially, then. I have no issues with this type of confrontation. It's just a matter of timing really, but better sooner than later so I can stop wasting my time.

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    • Yeah I've used online dating, so I know. I feel the same way. for the most part, I know I'm a catch and a good guy, with positive intentions, but for each of me, there are 10 more guys who are scumbags, living in moms basement and are just looking for sex. The same can be said about the women. I can't tell you how many train wrecks I ran across using online dating.

      Your situation is one in which online dating is perfect. Keep using it, just be cautious and informed in this regard.

    • Really good answer here.

Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 11

  • Emotions can be confusing, especially for a guy, due to taking much longer to mature than girls, and you can almost bet that the reason he's backing off is because these emotions are causing embarrasment. So you need to be straight with him, don't try and be nice and sweet and show you care, let him know that he has changed and that he's acting as if he don't want to be in the relationship anymore, and let him know that if that's what he wants, to just tell you so you can move on, because all this p**** footing around is to consuming. And then once you have expressed all this, let him know that he can ring you when he has decided on what to do. It might take a day or two, but if he is into you, he will ring, and all will become good again, because you have forced him to deal with his emotions, but if he doesn't, then it was because he lost interest and that you were far to mature for him, and that means you would never of made it as a couple. So be straight and to the point, your get your answers with this approach,x

  • I can offer a bit of gender-based thinking.

    One lady was just talking about the kids during the tornado on CNN. She said she told the girls "I love you" and they cheerfully said "I love you" back. Then she told the boys "I love you", and they just gave her a puzzled look and didn't know how to respond.

    It's been said that boys have an especially fragile link between hemispheres of the brain. Young boys and girls are often treated quite differently. People make more physical contact , and way "I love you" more to their daughters than their sons. And so by the time a boy leaves childhood, his "corpus callosom", the link between the hemispheres, is crippled by almost half.

    If he falls in love and things start getting serious, he's generally not used to being that close to someone. Hearing "I love you", being touched, and feeling like someone is really sensitive to his well-being. It's a rather frightening feeling of vulnerability if you're not used to it.

    I had a problem kinda like this during my childhood. When my mom would hold my cheek and say "I really love you", I would almost flinch, jerk away, and be like "umm...yeah...bye". I felt bad, because I knew how much she cared, but I just had no idea how to respond. And to this day, I still feel like I have intimacy issues.

    So I think it's along the lines of the fact that we have our men "out on duty" all the time. Teaching them to be "great warriors" all the time, until they get confused or even afraid of love or peace.

  • Ah I was about to say what's in your link in lesser words ofcourse and it's already here :)

    Another reason is when a man feels things are going too fast and he's not ready for it yet.

    1. Yes the reasons behind this and any withdrwal is generally legit.

    1.1. Yes it's happened to me too when the woman / girl came on too fast with everything - too much for comfort

    2. Worried - depends on the man. If he's not a player then best let him take his course. That way both of you will lead happier lives even if separately.

    As of the dating profile, yes you may be correct :|

  • There are two possible scenarios here. The first is the article you cited, and he thinks you need more than he can give.

    The second is he found someone else. Remember, people do what they want to do. If he isn't talking to you, then there's a reason for it. There is someone else that he is talking to.

    • Do you have any advice on how I should confront him about this? Is this "relationship" even worth salvaging then if I'm not great enough to keep his eyes from wandering?

    • The best way to confront someone is to simply ask them. Usually their first response will tell you everything you need to know. If he gets mad, then it's another woman. If he sighs and talks to you rationally about it, then he doesn't feel confident about meeting your expectations.

      As for is the relationship worth it, I can't answer that for you. Only you know whether or not he is worth your time and efforts.

  • Did you put out? If yes, that's why. Many dudes only want sex, and will say any lies they think you wanna hear. Then, after the horizontal tango, BAM! He's gone.

    • No, actually. We waited to do it, and when we did, he was still talking to me and arranging dates. Besides, it's all sorted out now. I just talked to him and we both broke it off. Aaaand back to square one...

  • He is a commitment phobic

    He wants to have his time with girls

    He doesn't know what he wants

  • Well I just read your comment and coming from someone who has been both abandoned and been hot and cold, its tough. I don't know what went through his mind but obviously he has been abandoned by family or exes before. There is a techincal term for it called BPD, AKA crazy bitch syndrome. I wouldn't be overly surprised if he doesn't contact you again in the near future. Sorry to hear about the breakup answer mine please

  • Its difficult to surmise how this guy feels about you from such limited information. It seems like your worrying way to much about small things and may be appearing kind of needy. Try backing off a bit and see what happens.

    • I am backing off--for almost 2 weeks now. I initiate texts here and there, but am not going completely nutso "WHY AREN'T YOU TEXTING ME LIKE USUAL, ARE YOU DATING OTHER WOMEN, YOU ASS?!" If a guy approached me that way I'd be weirded out too. That's why I'm giving him his space and getting advice on this site so I can calculate my next move. I respect myself and him that much. And I'm not needy lol. Any normal person would be annoyed too if things seemed good and then all of a sudden went cold.

    • Oh, and he's told me that he likes me and has hinted that I'm "special." Of course I take that with a grain of salt, but just giving you an idea of what he's expressed so far.

  • men are not social as women.

    over thousands of years women stayed in groups/stayed in safe caves or places and talked.

    men went out into the wild alone or in groups to hunt animals.

    men are solitary by nature more than women, men value freedom MOST, freedom and space and to conquer.

  • It must be that he just doesn't want to text a lot, but he really do want to hang out with you.

    Or he just got uninterested now, and you need to move on. Either way, ask what his problem is the next time you see him in person.

  • I have pulled away like that before so I can give you my perspective. It has been a long time since I have had a successful long term relationship. I have lots of fun short term relationships. I kick but at dating, I'm a good kisser, I'm great in bed, smart, nice, kind, etc but I really have not had a long term relationship in years.

    I don't want to mess up and hurt a girl, especially if she is innocent and new to the dating game. I start because I really do want a relationship, but when it is going well, it is almost like it is too good to be true. Then I start looking for reasons to cut it off and convince myself that it can't happen. It is a tough place to be in for me. I can only try my best.

    • If it's going well, why would you cut it off? That makes no sense! Please, make me understand...it just seems a bit cowardly, huh? Not trying to cut you down, but I don't get this at all. Is it 'cause you think we expect too much out of you? 'Cause that's usually not the case. We want to be with you 'cause we like you, pure and simple, and you make us feel good. Ah!

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    • Looks like I have to be your friend to message you. If you want to ask me more questions add me! I just requested you a few minutes ago.

    • Request accepted. Shoot away.

What Girls Said 2

  • he is a douche bag coward

    • Right?! I'm THIS CLOSE to calling him tomorrow and confronting him about it (CALMLY, of course).

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    • How someone deals with rejection says a lot about them...

    • Lol, yes Swirves, you are correct. And I'm the type to freak out INWARDLY, then calmly assess the situation and play it cool. I don't think anyone is worth that much emotional drama, especially only after three months. Still hurts, though.

  • get the girl gets ring program it helped me A LOT well worth the money

    it will make things so much easier.