Why is it the guys you like that don't want you?

I met a guy online. I thought it was going well, but then he just stopped talking to me and was on the dating site again. I don't get it. I've had other guys ask me out and I've been on other dates, but he's the only one that I was really interested in. So, I asked him if he's still dating other women so I would know not to put all of my eggs in one basket. He said he was exclusive to me, but I guess it made him think and then he stopped talking to me. He's actually a downgrade for me. But, he said that he basically wanted a sophisticated girl instead of what he's dated in the past (I.e. cheaters, what he called whores, women who just want someone to take care of them). But, apparently that's exactly what he wants. So, I know 3 dates isn't a lot. But, why continue going on dates with someone you aren't interested in?

And why can't I find a boyfriend? I went to a bar the other night, and there was a skinny blond chick from England. She said her date called her 20 minutes prior to their date and cancelled because he was intimidated. If she can't get a date, I don't think there's any hope for me. I'm 26, educated, job, car, place, I exercise. People keep saying "stop looking." But, how do you honestly stop looking?


Most Helpful Girl

  • Like you said, it was only 3 dates. It's not like he dated you for 3 years and then decided that he wasn't really interested in you. Maybe it took him 3 dates to realize that he wasn't that interested in you. Or maybe you did or said something on date 2 or 3 that triggered some huge red flag in his mind. Who cares? It's over now.

    As far as the blond English chick, please. Puh-leezzz! I've never heard a single girl say, "he canceled the date or stopped dating me or dumped me because . . . of something negative about me." Nope. It never happens. Every woman must be amazing! That, or we have a nasty habit of re-writing and re-framing live events so that when we think back to what happened in history, or our own identity, or our own self-esteem, and everything is all positive. "It's not the case that he may have found a more attractive woman and blew me off, it's most likely the case that he was intimidated. And even if those exact words came out of his mouth, I actually believed him!" Intimidated of what? Of approaching, I understand. But the guy had a f***ing date! What is there to be intimidated about? The intimidation part is over!

    As for the whole "Why is it the guys you like that don't want you?" dilemma, you should Google Type I and Type II errors. Think about biometric devices, things that read your eyes and fingerprints, voice, etc. If they're "too selective," they may actually "erroneously reject" the person that's actually authorized. If they're barely selective, they may "erroneously accept" unauthorized persons.

    I've found that dating works the same way. Collective human experience summarizes it as, "you have to put your heart out there in order to find love." That's too vague and abstract for me. I like to think of it as, "playing it too safe is going to weed out guys that I want, and leave me with guys that I don't really want." "When I don't play it safe, yes I risk getting hurt by the wrong guy, and there are still losers in my dating pool, but for some reason, guys I'm actually interested in seem to also be interested in me."

    Guys don't want a girl that's up-tight. They've lived with their mother for god knows however many years. Unless they're a mama's boy, guys want a girl that's not up-tight, relaxed, not so serious, and not following a set of rules. Think about it. If that's what guys wanted, very few women would ever find themselves single, or struggle to find a guy they're actually interested in.

    Losers are always interested, because they're desparate. They're willing to tolerate anything. Guys you're interested in are not! I would try messaging the guy just to find out what turned him off about you. Don't use the word "why." As in, "Why weren't you interested in me? Why aren't we dating now? Is it because I'm not attractive enough? Is it because you messaged Luv2Swall0w69?" Don't do that. Just do some direct market research and improve accordingly.


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What Guys Said 2

  • No, don't stop looking. What you're describing is quite normal; it happens to the best of us. Dating is a numbers game; you have to weed out the wrong ones while you're looking for the right one. When you find the right one, though, it will be worth the effort.

  • First off, meeting people online isn't the best way to go about it. Lets face it, even if you talk to them on the phone, you still don't know that person. Dating sites are full of flakes and time wasters. I think there is other ways you can meet guys. There is never no hope for anyone! Anyone to me can get dates. I'm not saying stop looking completly, just not try as hard. Try to make casual convo with no expectation.

    Now what do you mean by he's a "Downgrade?" I don't get it

    • Like, I can do better. I should have a guy on the same level as me: degree, job, own place. Like, if they're going through something, that's fine. He has a career, but it's not really someplace where he can advance, and he doesn't even like it. Which means he'd probably quit and I'd have to take care of him.

    • Show All
    • Own place I can see. I expect the same from a girl. Why degree? Ill never understand that expectation. Can't a guy taking care of himself be good enough? I think your standards are unrealisticy high. And I have a feeling your chasin 9 and 10s. Why not expand your mind? Maybe you should meet women.

    • But, that's the thing: I said he wasn't even on the same level as me. I never go after guys that meet all of my standards. I had to drive my ex around everywhere, he lived with his grandparents, he never paid when we went out, then he moved in and never paid any bills. Another guy that I liked still lived with his mom in his 30s. He had a job and 2 degrees though. School isn't a top priority. I just feel like if I did it, my companion should have something similar to offer. I go for 2s and 3s

What Girls Said 1

  • because everybody likes something they can't get