I don't know what's going on and what to do, he's silent?

It's such a long story. We started out as friends. It's been a year and four months since my abusive relationship and 6 months for him and I was helping him. He initiated more, then played hot and cold with my emotions as he was dealing with his broken heart. I wouldn't have held on to the idea of more if he didn't tell me we had a connection, confide in me, and tell me he was just scared to trust anyone again, which is why he couldn't open up to me more than he had and actually let me in and stop sabotaging our plans.

Things eventually came to a head - I had done a lot for this guy - and I got a little pushy one day (he has submissive tendencies and asked me to tell him what to do because he didn't want to hurt me since he was "still utterly broken and numb") and kind of let out my frustration at him for not wanting to even hang out as friends and that I felt like he had strung me along.

He said I had been pushing him to like me, that he hadn't strung me along, and that he wasn't ready for anything, as he was sorry I thought this was more than this. That REALLY hurt my feelings, considering all that I had been through for him and he had displayed wanting more. I said I wished I'd never helped him, which hurt his feelings, and he said he couldn't believe I said that to him.

I waited a day and a half and finally messaged him and I said I was sorry for failing him as a friend and pushing when he's going through a hard time. It was a really long and sweet message, asking to still be friends. He apologized and said I deserved a better friend than him. He text me the next night to talk about her and it ended when he said "Idk, nevermind", as he doesn't like the truth, as the discussion was about how she'd beat their hypothetical kids like she beat him.

He then text me the next night at 10pm and all it said was "Hey". I said "Hi" 30 minutes later and he opened the message instantly, but didn't respond. Figuring he didn't want to talk, I didn't message him again. I get on this anonymous social app we both have the day after and see where he's posted about "texting her for the last time" and "he finally said goodbye and was moving on and forward with his life". I knew then that he was talking about his abusive ex. Was he going to talk to me about it last night? Why did he not respond? Should I reach out to him? Or, let him come to me? Is he just going to leave me in the dust? I'm so confused. :(

If we were always just friends in his eyes, why is he acting distant and cold once I back away and start acting like a friend, instead of a woman that's more than just a friend? It just doesn't make sense.


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What Guys Said 1

  • I can see why you would think that he was interested in more, but when he's broken like this, it's just not a good time for him to be starting up a new relationship. I don't think he was making an excuse to say that he's not ready. I rather doubt that he thought he was stringing you along. And once you told him you wish that you'd never helped him (with the implication that you were helping him because you expected something in return), his trust issues were bound to be worsened. While your apology surely helped, he's not likely to reestablish trust that easily. It might take some work to regain that trust. You would need to give up any claims on what he owes you or what you are not getting from him. You would need to convince him that you want to help him and do it for his sake. Finally you would need to let him take the lead on any possible future relationship between you. You're in no position to tell when he will be ready for that sort of thing.

    • I know, but I told him I knew he wasn't ready. I just wanted to spend time together. I told him I knew the risks and wasn't ready for anything either. I didn't say that because I expected something, I said that because I meant that I would have never helped him if I knew he was going to lead me on and hurt my feelings! It had nothing to do with needing something in return. Just because he's hurting was no reason to tamper with my feelings. I was just a friend and he's the one that hurt me...cont

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    • Excellent points. If he does come around, it could take a lot of time since he has so much to work out. He may surprise you yet. If not, I hope you can find someone who is ready for a proper relationship.

    • Thank you. I hope so too. I feel better every day.

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