What does he want from me?

I dated a guy in college for 5 months we got along really well but he broke up with me because he was going off to do army training. We had a lot of mutual friends so we remained distant friends over the last 5 years that maybe talked once or twice a year but nothing serious.

I had dated other people since him and he had gone back to an ex of his during that same time period. I just let it go and moved on with my life. I am not the type of person to hate someone or be immature about it. The longest relationship he has had over the past 5 years was with one girl for a month otherwise he has not tried to date anyone else. (He is not the type that will hook up with random girls either and he was not having crazy one night stands or anything like that)

I have been in a serious 4 year relationship since college and it is very apparent on Facebook. He called me about real estate and we ended up reconnecting. Long story short we started talking every day for hours on end and texting. He made it clear that he could see himself marrying me. He said "I broke you up out of a relationship the first time we dated and now I'm doing it again and it will be the last time I have to do it." I hadn't been happy in my relationship so I semi went for it. We ended up making out and had sex once. I held back some because it's hard to let go of 4 years of feelings so quickly. He picked up on that. Eventually saying that I just needed to be single for awhile and figure out who I am without a guy in my life for once.

However, he said he will be here for support in anyway possible just not with dating/sex. He said he can never see himself dating me and that I am not cut out for the army way of life but yet he is making extra effort to be my friend. He invited me to come out with him for New years to stay at his place with him. He made it clear that he doesn't want me to get upset that he will be hitting on other girls etc. That hurt to hear him say that but I know he said that so I see that he is serious about being friends.

Why does he want me so badly to be his friend? What purpose does it serve? We were getting along so well but I screwed up by holding back but rightfully so. After 4 years you can't just flip a switch and be open to dating/relationships right away. I had no healing time whatsoever.

Is there hope he will give it another chance in the future? That's what I truly want. He just understands me better than anyone else can. I can't explain it. We connect so well.


Most Helpful Guy

  • I think he genuinely cares a lot about you. He understands the life of being in the army and doesn't want to put you in any stress over that. but before I try to answer the rest, Did you end the 4 year relationship before actually making out and having sex? and if you did how long were you single before meeting up with him again? the only reason I ask is because that will tell him a lot of things about you and how you are in relationships.

    • He kissed me after numerous times of me repeating that this can't happen because I have a boyfriend. The night he told me his true feelings and that he could see himself marrying me. When we had sex I was single for about a month but the ex still was contacting me trying to win me back. I was being pulled in both directions. I know none of this was right but when you feel something so strong with someone it's hard not to want to go for it. Is there any hope left?

    • Show All
    • Its hard for him to have any sort of feelings or connections. He doesn't want to be just a rebound or worse, the mistake. Right now just understand the situation, and take things slow for yourself. If you broke up with your ex, than make sure you made the right decision and let him kow as well so he can move on. Learn how to be happy being single and don't focus on the "right guy". focus on yourself first and I will guarantee things will start to change

    • You are dead on. I spent New Years Eve with him and his friends. He admitted that he in fact does not just want to be my rebound so that is why he distanced himself. We were all at the bars and one of his guy friends introduced me to a guy at the bar. I started talking to this new guy and eventually my guy comes over whispers in my ear to look at him and planted a huge kiss on me. He goes there problem solved. He hadn't been drinking much at all. Interesting turn of events.

Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 1

  • This guy sounds like a prolific con artist, and I will tell you why. The out of the blue phone call that was made to you was a calculated plan to interact with you under the pretext of wanting to converse with you about real estate. In actuality, he made the call to reconnect with you with the intention of having sex with you, whether you were in a committed relationship or not.

    Do you not find it a tad bit odd that he was not in-love with you and had not spent a significant amount of time with you yet he claimed he could see himself marrying you? Deceitfully, he fed you those lines to bring your guard down; so that you wouldn't suspect his intentions.

    After sex, he simply searched for an the escape clause. Unfortunately, he found the excuse he was hoping for when you showed signs of having inner-conflict about leaving your relationship to be with him. After all, he knew you were in a four year relationship, therefore, he should have expected your reaction.

    Furthermore, you mentioned in your post that he was in a one month relationship in the last five years. With that said, I highly doubt that he did not take full advantage of his freedom to do whatever he pleased with whomever he pleased. The fact is, any half decent looking guy, especially a guy in the military, who comes in contact with an abundance of single women, will likely look to fulfill his biological urges. It's why I think there is a good chance he is hiding his tendencies with women.

    Nevertheless, he seems to care for you, or he may simply have a guilty conscious about leading you on and causing you to the end your relationship with the other guy. Hence is insistence to be friends with you.

    Still, all may not be loss. You may have a chance with him, if he is ready to be in a committed relationship, and you convey to him (through your actions) that you are not easily influenced by the attention of another guy. This is just my opinion.


    • Interesting twist that doesn't make sense of it either. When we had sex it was the best sex ever for over 2 hours. We always had a good sex life. I mentioned being friends with benefits and he said no to that. If he just wanted sex wouldn't he want to keep having it? When we had sex he said is it bad that I don't want anyone else to have you? I just laughed. He gave me so many mixed signals along the way. I don't think he even knows what he wants.

    • Well, I arrived at my answer from the details you provided. You left out some important details in your initial post. Nonetheless, he may have wanted to discontinue having sex with you to impede both of your feelings for each other from progressing. From the sounds of it, he is seems very attracted to you. Or, perhaps he realized the friendship is too valuable to chance with the issues that come with having regular sex. You may be onto something though, he does sound somewhhat indecisive.

What Girls Said 1

  • He wants you in his life

    • As in just as a friend forever?