How to date a sex abuse survivor...Have a history of it.

Hopefully this is appropriate for this site...

1) The current girl I am dating did a 180 on me. Things were great and then she just withdrew. She made mention of "blocking past events out" and taking it slow because "something happened to her." I am guessing it's sex abuse, but of course, don't want to assume that's the situation. I am trying to be patient, and hoping that she'll tell me what's up before she just ends it (as I really like her). Question is what do I say if she tells me? While I don't see the situation as ordinary, I am not shocked or put off (see part 2). But, of course, it is unique and grave for her, and is of course a traumatic thing. I want her to trust me, but I have no idea what to say.

2) Part of the reason I don't know what to say, is because I've been in this boat before. I am a black man and she is a white lady, and frankly, this is the 4-5th interracial relationship where the girl has been abused. Maybe it has nothing to do with black/white and those are just normal odds. For better or worse, why do I keep ending up with women that have been through this?

I told her I'd listen when she was ready. She texts me for the past two nights with a "good night" but nothing else at all. I'll respond in kind. I would be OK if we don't talk about our issues. I want her to get back to fun feelings. Not sure.


Have an opinion?

What Girls Said 1

  • If this woman you are seeing decides to open up and tell you about what has happened to her, what you should to is just be there and listen. Let her know that you won't judge her. And if she gets emotional about it, put your hand on her hand or rest it on her back, letting her know its okay and that you are listening. And you can say to her, I can't imagine what it was like but I'm sorry that it happened. Because sexual abuse can be difficult to cope with, with any and/or all types of situations. And ask how she is dealing with it now. But once she is ready to open up, she will. But let her know that you are their for her and you will listen. Hope that helps :-)

    • That is a good, caring approach. Thank you.

    • Your welcome. :-) Hope it all works out.

What Guys Said 1

  • Hey, I have no experience with this myself but can give you some insight on your second question: "why do I keep ending up with women that have been through this?"

    Some men have a fetish to save "damsels in distress", fix them up and date them.

    They sneak in under the radar from the "nice guy angle" often right after she just came out a bad relationship with a typical "jerk" and are looking for a complete opposite.

    I've never understood why some men have this but after observing the character Allan on Two and a Half men I got it a little better lol.

    Still, I tend to stay away from damaged goods or girls with emotional baggage. Unfair for them I know, they can't help it but I'm not going to settle with a girl with issues when I can have a pure one.

    • Sure. I did not know anything about her past relationships, other than her friends said she was a good girl. I generally consider myself a good guy, so maybe I am just finding women who have been in the situation.

      I clearly have needs that will need to be met one way or another, though. My last relationship ended partially because of an inability to resolve my sexual needs with her history of abuse. I guess I will figure it out as it goes.

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