Is my boyfriend abusing me?

Hi. I've come to a very frightening realization last night about my boyfriend of almost 8 years; I believe I am in a verbal/physical abusive relationship. We just moved in together over the summer, however he is only with me half of the week because of his job, the other half he is living with his parents. I cannot say when all of the symptoms began but lately over the past few weeks they have gotten worse.

I call his actions “sweet tart” because one second he is squeezing, tickling, pinching, cracking my knuckles in a way that is often painful in which “stop” doesn’t work so it leads me to kick, slap, yell or cry in response to get him stop, and he then apologizes, cuddles, etc. Most of these “grabs” are sexual in nature, squeezing my butt painfully while saying “that ass” when I tell him I don’t appreciate it he tells me his other friend does it to his girlfriend all the time and that I should appreciate that he thinks I am sexy and getting attention. The same goes for when he calls me names. If I trip over something he’ll call me “stupid bitch” or in generally will say things like “kiss me bitch”. I will usually respond with something like “don’t call me bitch” and he’ll laugh and say “oh I’m not serious, kiss me babe”. When I get really upset with his name calling he again apologizes, cuddles and says I’m being too serious, “do you really think I would call you that?”

A few weekends ago a situation really escalated when I was angry and annoyed with his excessive physical attention and told him he needs to stop being so rough with me and can’t throw me around like a doll. This set him off, he called me a bitch and walked off. When I thought he was joking and walked over to him he said “get away from me before I call you something worse”. After cooling off he thought when I confronted him I would have stuck my ground and called his bluff on calling me the C word. Instead I ran into the other room hurt that he would threaten me with a word like that. We made up about half an hour later.

I’m aware that my boyfriend has some issues and I know I cannot solve, mainly because getting something out of him is like squeezing a rock. He recently keeps talking about how everyone in his life leaves (friends move away, people get new jobs). He tells me I am his everything and that if I leave him he will have no reason to live. I am at my wits end and cannot believe how I am in such a situation and so unhappy. I used to be this enthusiastic, change the world ambitious person and have been wondering why I have been so unhappy lately and I realized last night this behavior might be slowly eating me alive. He is not controlling in that I can’t make my own decisions, I went abroad for a few months, went away for school and he says he’d go anywhere with me and has traveled long distances to visit me. Some days I want to walk away but I can’t without worrying about his personal safety and I love him. I do not know what to do anymore or who to talk to about thi


Most Helpful Guy

  • Well this doesn't really sound like abuse yet, but it does sound like it could easily escalate into such a situation. He clearly has issues, and he needs to start working on those issues or you need to get the hell out, for your own good.

    He needs help. If you really are his only reason to live, then he'll be willing to work on himself for you. If he isn't, then he's just manipulating you. Don't let this guy use guilt or pity to get you to stay with him. It's incredibly unhealthy, even if he doesn't get physically abusive.


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What Guys Said 1

  • You've been with this guy eight years.

    Evidently his behavior turned you on for quite a while.

    If you were being abused, I'm pretty sure you wouldn't be so unsure you'd be on a silly site like this trying to ask people, lol.


What Girls Said 1

  • I agree with Reynier…I don't quite think it sounds like abuse, but it very well could escalate easily into that. Regardless, it's not a healthy relationship and it's something that (if you want to stay with him) you're absolutely going to have to confront and work on. You both sound like you have issues that need worked out…have you considered therapy (both individually and together)? That sounds like the only way to truly resolve your issues…and to do so both of you have to be committed to changing.