Why Do I let Men Walk on Me?

It seems as though ever since my first relationships, I've always given a little too much of myself to the guys I've dated. At the time, I love doing it, whether it be buying them gifts or giving myself to them too soon, I always feel like its a good thing, and that they will love me more for it. And of course, it always backfires.

It never really became a major issue to me until recently, I had an experience with this guy I dated where he went behind my back and started seeing his ex girlfriend. That hurt me, but it didn't really hurt me as much as I thought it would have. I broke things off, but when he came crawling back, I let him back into my life. And who knows? He could be up to the same tricks, and now it really does hurt.

I just don't understand why I've been so desperate for love and affection, even to this degree. My friends and family all tell me that I'm a beautiful young girl and that I should have my pick of the litter, but all I want is for one person to love me the way I know I can love them. The psychologist in me says it has a lot to do with my "dad issues" and how he was never around. I'm just wondering how I can get past this and have healthy relationships that are equally beneficial.


Most Helpful Guy

  • Dump your current guy. The one that went back to his ex and came crawling back. It's not worth it to me, and you can start doing something about it today. Stop letting guys have a sexual relationship with you too soon. That's a big step in the right direction. When you do that, you filter out the guys who are after you just for sex. No guy is sane enough to go on 2-3 months of dating with no sex. Learn to be patience, to say no when you must, and that love is never easy and must require a lot of work. If you try to find it the easy way, it's almost always never really love to begin with.


Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 5

  • I'd like to start by telling you that think I totally understand where you're coming from here.

    I've been a guy who was always so into giving my GFs all I had. sometimes went to the point of bankrupting myself for variable amount of time just because I wanted my girl to be who she was and make her happy. I didn't just do all this stuff financially just incase you were wondering. With all my GFs I tried my hardest to make sure she knew how much I cared for her. I didn't date just anybody. I dated girls who had something to them. Something I really loved about'em y'know? Much like yourself nearly every girl I ever dated ended up stabbing me in the back in nasty ways. Most cases, cheating.

    Anyway there was this one girl that I loved with all my heart. I gave her everything and she just ended up cheating on me with her ex as well. She also cheated on me a lot more than that. Amazingly enough I just took her back, like a fool. I'm not entirely sure why I did it but I can only speculate. Part of it might have something to do with the fact that I had some kind of a rough upbringing. I too didn't have a father. Single child of a single mother. On top of that my mother was the type of woman who took a lot of her frustrations out on me in some pretty hard ways. Verbal and physical abuse I ended up seeing a lot of beatings. Heck the rest of family doesn't really care for me. They do a pretty good job of reminding me they think very little of me.

    What is my point in all this? I think what I'm getting at is that maybe with all the sh*t my family used to give me all the time, and the way people treated me as a kid I ended up with a somewhat poor self esteem. In the last couple years people have done a good job trying to build me up and tell me that they think I'm a good guy and that I'm too damned hard on myself. Funny thing is I believe them. Consciously I know it's true. I know what I have to offer. I know I'm a pretty good guy. I know I like helping people (heck that's why I'm here). People tell me I'm not as ugly or as bad a guy as I think I am. People tell me I'm not the monster I take myself for. They tell me I'm a genuinely good guy with a good head on his shoulders, they tell me I'm full of integrity, I'm unflappable when I stand up for something, they say I'm brave and bold and blah blah blah... ugh I'm trailing off again.

    Consciously I totally believe them. Consciously I understand this. Consciously I know I'm not the hideous man-thing I tend to describe myself as. I'm not "ugly". I'm not a bad buy. Consciously I know I'm a stand-up kinda guy... BUT...(And this is a big "but", I'm talkin' a sumo sized "but" here) tell that to my subconscious. Thing is I wasn't always aware of it. Though several years ago I started noticing that that's probably a big part of why I let people treat me the way I do. Well this is my #1 theory right now. Does any of this sound like it relates to your situation at all? Let me know. I hope it helped.

  • I'm sorry to hear you're going through this. Honestly, I suggest you find another guy and save yourself the heartache. Think about it logically - the hardest time to cheat on someone is the first. It only gets easier after that. Do you want someone who put you in the backseat and is most likely going to do that again to you? You deserve better. You deserve to be princess.

    Advice for the future: Don't be so giving. Someone has to earn your love-you are not giving yourself any value. By being so easily open and loving, that person doesn't appreciate what you are offering them and in most cases will take you for granted which seems to be the case.

    There are guys out there that will care for you the way you want - you just have to weed out the bad apples and follow my advice.I wish you luck

    • Thank you so much, that advice, especially coming from a guy really helps. I was beginning to think that all guys are just sh*t heads but this makes me a little more optimistic and I'll keep my head up and move on.

  • There is a fine difference between acting toward others with compassion and being emotionally abused because of various reasons, such as being absued in childhood and thus "developing" the "victim smell" which attracts abusers. To tell which is which, check out the below.

    Emotional Abuse

    Putting you down

    Making you feel bad about yourself

    Calling you names

    Implying that you are crazy

    Playing mind games

    Using guilt as a weapon of control

    Using humiliation

    For more details : link

  • To me, "dad issues" also mean that these men walking on you are quite a bit older than you (at least 5 years older, if I had to guess)

    Easy for such guys to walk all over you

    and yeah, dump the loser (even if I'm wrong about him being substantially older, and yes, he most likely IS up to the same tricks)

    • Haha you're kinda right, this last guy is about 4 years older than me, and I think its definitely not his first day on the job, ie; he's done this to other girls, I'm sure. well thank you.

  • I hate to hear this, but I believe the most appropriate thing to know is that someone once said that Respect and Trust is always earned and never given. If you make them earn the love you give them than they probably won't take you for granted. Yet, one of the most important things that I can tell you need to learn is how to say "no". Even if that guy was truly sorry for cheating on you, you probably shouldn't have let him back into your life. You can forgive him for what he did, but he most likely hasn't earned your trust or mine either if I were in your shoes.


What Girls Said 5

  • I get where your coming from. Yes the dad thing I'm sure is probably why you look for affection in other men. You just want one to love you and be with you because you (As far as I understand) never had that with your own dad.

    so dump your boyfriend of right now once a cheater most of the time he will always be one. Some men arnt. But no girl should ever be cheated on.

    so dump him stay single for a bit look at some men become friends and see who is the best dating material. And if your friends then he will know he likes you for you and you will feel awesome because he will like you for your looks and for your awesome personality :] hope I helped

    • Thanks, this really has helped. you're right about the dad thing, its been something I've wanted to ignore for a long time, and as much as I deny it, the more it affects me so I'll be single for a while, take things one step at a time. thanks again!

  • You need to learn that love isn't everything. It's made to sound like love is everything, but love is just one piece of the puzzle. My suggestion to you is to stay single go out with your friends have fun, but don't get in a relationship until you can be alone and still be happy. Guys are assholes, but they walk all over you because you LET them.

  • I had the exact same problems, and my dad wasn't around either, I'm not even sure I'm completly over it, and should being giving advice but what I did was take a break from guys. I learned to love myself. Count how many guys you can turn down a day. It does wonders for your ego. I promise, Once you have that self assurance, jump back in the dating game, and see what happens. Make sure he respects, you but more importantly that you respect yourself! Good luck!

  • Your a door mat .

  • This is just for your reference, but…. here is what I was told or read in some books to change. This relates how the parents treated you.

    1) When the childhoods, mother 'gave' you something---whatever that is, including love---- 'in return' of something, like 'saying thank you' 'behaving happy to receive from her,' etc. You’re raised by the one who is supposed to give you unconditional love under the ‘conditional love’. How it affects you to a human relationship is, psychologically, you tend to give something to others to get what you want, feel you ‘must give’ something otherwise you are not loved by the one you love. To be loved, you must give something first. The closest one to love you the most in your life didn’t love you unconditionally. Thanks to it, you grew up as a “giving” “dedicated” woman, but always “expecting something back behind it” because you don’t know how to give unconditional love. Mothers don’t recognize they did it to their kids because they think they taught manners in that way.

    2) If father is stronger than mother (or more strict/controlling than mother), daughter tends to be giving. If father expects mother to love him more than he does (for example), daughter tends to memorize, “woman has to love man to be loved”. So, when you love someone, you feel you must love your man a lot, to be loved. “If I don’t love him, he won’t love me” this is the basic thought back of you.

    Their advice was, you need to be surrounded by people who give love while not expecting anything back from you. The more you’re surrounded by those people, the more you become not desperate for love and find happiness in giving love without any returns. Keep meeting people you want to meet. When they do something for you, you feel good and get truly happy. If they expect something back from you by giving, you feel something strange when you receive You become ok to keep giving then. The right persons know how it’s important, so surely appreciate you and not let you keep doing it or ‘give something’ to you. Means, mutual love stands there. You’ll meet the guy you feel ‘you are given’ for sure---the guy you’re willing to keep giving just because for the happiness between both of you, the guy who truly loves you, willing to do things for you, finds simple love just to be with you. Don’t worry. One thing, it’s very hard, but you can’t let someone love you to satisfy yourself. You can satisfy yourself by yourself. When you are satisfied just to be as you are, you can start sharing the feelings and love, so guys feel good to touch it and come around you who are beautiful and giving. If the guy starts taking your love for granted, stop giving. There will be no risk loosing him. He’ll be back anyway to get your love. And wait until he starts giving. It’s the time you can start giving again. AIf he starts taking you for granted again, do the same. Too much rain, called love, won’t make any plants, called relationship, grow. I hope it helps. Good luck!

    • Thanks, I'm going to be going to school for a psychology degree, and this is exactly what I want to be studying, how childhood relationships with parents affect their relationships as adults and also treating disorders and such related to this topic. this really helps, and sheds some light on where the problem is rooted. is there a title to this book? I'd really like to check it out sometime.