I went from a nice guy to a total asshole/player that can't trust women at all?

I used to be the nicest guy ever. Like I used to literally do anything for a girl that I was even mildly attracted to. And all of those girls always took advantage of that and used to play games with me. I'm not talking about friend zoning, I mean like going on dates with me and then just acting like a spoiled brat and testing how much shit I could take. And I always fell for that stuff because I thought it was what a gentleman was supposed to do. But it was getting me nowhere with women so I changed my personality completely. I don't know if I just always chose the wrong type of women or if most women will take advantage of attractive nice guys but I had to change.

And it worked way better than I thought it would. I have no problem getting dates with women and even hooking up with some of them on the first few dates. And that's because I got the mindset that I am a great catch and women I go on dates are already interested in me or they wouldn't be with me right now. So I use that to my advantage and end up manipulating women into having sex with me. If she doesn't put out within the first 3 dates they never hear from me again. And when we finally do have sex they never hear from me again also.

I know it's fucked up and really mean but I just can't trust women anymore. I know if I was that nice guy again most of the girls I have done this too would have taken advantage of him.

My sex life is good but I still feel really empty inside. But I'm afraid to commit to a girl because I don't trust most girls. Do you think once I find the right girl I will stop doing this and give her a chance or should I see a relationship councilor?


Most Helpful Girl

  • I think you need to get over it. No offense, but I don't sugarcoat.
    You think you're the only one to get hurt? You think you're the only one to get your heart broken? The only one to feel unappreciated? You're not. It happens all the time and while the selfish, tacky, manipulative girls are guilty, you are also to blame for teaching them that it was okay to treat you that way. Taking accountability for that and owning up to that is the first step to getting out of this psychological mess. These females showed you what they were about and you accepted it. While that doesn't make them any less wrong, it makes you an accomplice to your current state of mind. Truthfully, had you put your foot down and said "You are a low quality female and you do not deserve what I bring to the table" then moved on with your life with that strong, sturdy attitude: you would still be a diamond in the rough, but now you've lowered yourself to just another ragged rock.

    You wanna know why you feel so empty? Because you only strive for empty ass experiences. You seek out experiences that don't even have the framework for being fulfilling. Stop blaming the entire female gender for the actions of a select few. It's not fair to other girls and you are decreasing your integrity in the process.

    Your solution in three simple steps.
    1.) Get over it. Accept that these SPECIFIC INDIVIDUALS were low quality, tactless, distasteful females and move on. Stop giving them power over you, even in their absence.
    2.) Understand that there is such thing as a hurt worth having. Pain is like a grindstone and you will either come out ragged, rough to the touch, and ugly or refined and polished. So don't be afraid to get hurt; it's all about how you let that pain mold you.
    3.) Find your way back to the diamond within you or accept a mediocre love life forever.

    • Yeah I get what you mean but before I changed I tried with so many women and they all did the same thing. A lot of women say they want one thing and then they go after something else. Just like they say they don't like assholes but in my experience they almost always go for assholes.

    • So then maybe you just have terrible taste in women because I can assure you that not all women miraculously are so damn tacky and selfish. You can blame it on women all you want but the reality is you have decreased your quality because you won't get over shitty females from your past. If you have no genuine interest in changing and you just want to sit here and rant this illogical, whiny bs about women then don't waste my time.

Have an opinion?

What Girls Said 7

  • I went from a nice guy to a total asshole/player that can't trust women at all?
    Meh likely you were already a total a**hole you just weren't a desirable one that could be a player probably using 'niceness' as a tactic to get the gals you wanted hence why when it didn't work as attraction/appeal gets the gals or manipulation/deception you went to what you genuinely are.

    Seems more like your judgement of gals isn't suited to be trusted as you seem to only have chosen gals that took advantage of you. The common denominator seems to be you and who you chose to pursue out of attraction.

    Do you think once I find the right girl I will stop doing this and give her a chance or should I see a relationship councilor?
    I doubt you will stop once you find the right gal considering you may have already found her and blown her off once you f*cked her or blown her off if she didn't put out within 3 days. I highly doubt you'll give her a chance considering your opinion of gals.

    I don't do should or shouldn't unless it pertains to harming children or animals so as long as you're not seeking underage gals continue to be the total a**hole/player you likely always were if you're content/happy with it. I'm not seeing it being suited to see a relationship counselor as it doesn't seem like you want a relationship which is understandable as I find most guys do not desire a relationship and their sole/main motivation for interacting with gals is to f*ck them.

    "My sex life is good but I still feel really empty inside. "
    That emptiness may be guilt/shame as suggested by your seeming defense mechanism of responsibility shifting of your behavior by 'knowing' most of the gals you took advantage of would have taken advantage of you if you were using your nice guy tactic. In my opinion rather than use what I consider cowsh*t and bullsh*t hamster rationalizations just acknowledge that you are doing this because you want to because it gets you want you want.

    • Okay I get that you don't like men but everything you just said was criticism. Not even constructive criticism but just outright criticism. It wasn't helpful at all, just judgmental. Obviously you have some issues of your own when it comes to men so not sure why you even bothered to answer my question if you're just going to judge and criticize.

    • Show All
    • "But like I said other people actually offered suggestions but you just focused on criticizing everything I did"
      Again it seems you're projecting and being emotional.

      What most other people offered is basically bits of my post:
      - nyfan25 address what I did in regards to your catch-22 behavior when it comes to meeting the right gal.
      - EmeraldSky addressed what I did in regards to it possibly being your picking/judgement if all the gals you were with took advantage of you.

      "You're a guy, that's what most guys do, just deal with it" does not sum up what I basically said. As nowhere in my answer do I state you're doing this because you're a guy or even talk about most guys other than once in regards to how I find guys desire for relationships..

    • Asking if you'll stop if you meet the right gal doesn't suggest you want to stop doing this but whether you'll stop if you meet the right gal.

      It's understandable that you're done as it seems you can't face answers without sugarcoating/coddling.

      It was quite interesting to see you respond with such emotional reactions and projections. You provided quite some amusement and entertainment.

      "I think you and I are kind of similar in some ways with our trust issues of the opposite sex but I don't expect you to admit that"
      LMFAO @ WTF is with you seemingly projecting your issues onto me. Perhaps my answer struck a nerve you don't want to face so you think I'm like you... lmfao.

  • Ok, think back on how it made you feel on the inside when these women took advantage of you. Now, you are making women feel like this because of what has happened to you in the past. Past women have nothing to do with the current woman. It is not their fault that you have been hurt. Yes, there are a lot of bitches out there that do take advantage of nice men. But learn something from it, and don't change who you are because you want to get laid. You will die a lonely man. All girls go for the bad guy. They need the thrill of a bad boy, but we grow up, and after being with the bad ones we appreciate and never take the nice ones for granted. You become how they are, than that makes you no better than the bitches. Don't not trust, just learn from the past. You can still be a nice guy, but have more of a back bone. You can still be a nice guy and not put up with bitches and their drama. You feel empty inside, because you are not a bad guy. YOu don't like being this way, treating women this way, otherwise you wouldn't be on here and you certainly wouldn't be lonely and feeling empty. Just be more cautious on who you date. You now know the signs of who not to go out with. You keep using women, you never will know that one of these women you dumped after having sex with, may have been the one that you've been looking for your whole life. My last relationship, he beat me, cheated on me, lied to me, and threatened me. Now I am back in the dating world, do you think it would be fair of me to punish the next guy because of what my last boyfriend did to me? Good luck dude, and I hope you revert back to being a nice guy. There are a lot of us out there looking for Mr. Right and Mr. Nice. Remember, never let someone's action change who you are!!

    • Yeah you're right I've probably missed out on a ton of great relationships but I just can never ever go back to being the old me. Somewhere in between yes but the problem is I literally can't trust any girl. Especially since I manipulate women, I assume that women manipulate men just like me.

    • YOu don't have to go back being the old you... just a new revised you, who is still nice. Again, you cannot just go living life not trusting, that is no way to live. No, girls manipulate men, and boys manipulate women. Maybe some of these past girls were that way due to being treated bad by past boyfriends and they no longer trust men... and look what their actions have done to you. And now with the way you are treating women, you are just repeating the cycle and possibly taking a nice girl and then turn her into a manipulative bitch because she too can no longer trust. Treat others the way you want to be treated. Old saying, but holds a lot of truth!

  • You need quality. The sex gets old because you know deep down that love is meant to be treasured and cherished. You were taken advantaged of by many woman but someday you will find a nice woman who won't take advantage of you. Try dating a girl that is harder to get - somebody who won't sleep with you after 3 dates - and see if you can maintain something long term through that.

    • Yeah I would actually rather date those girls since I know they aren't as superficial as the ones that are easier.

  • This is so sad I can already see your tragic flaws so to speak that have lefted you like this. First what you were doing wrong being the "nice guy" was multiple of things, you were a door mat, you let women walk all over to you which to them it appeared you were a push over and desperate because youd take all there shit. Thats not being nice. You can still be nice and respect yourself in the process all you were being was a pushover and thats not faire to you. second guy you became was the total opposite you basically are doing what thoses women did to you and thats mulipulating women to give you what you want. I wanna point out that both of thoses guys that you were werent better then another because the first guy was hurting you and the second you were hurting others. The first nice guy that you were probley was picking the wrong women because they saw your weakness and they used it against you, a women you would wanna be with wouldn't do that even if they saw that you were easily mulipulated. But its also you being a pushover and letting people walk over you and now your walking over them. What you needpto do is find a balance. You can't trust women completely at first and you have to kinda feel them out, you can't be so untrustworthy though hat you use them for sex though, cuz your the one missing out on love you just have to be assertive. Know what you deserve and treat the girl right also but dont let her push you around be aware of her rights but also be aware of yours. Once you have a balance of being passive and aggressive thats when you will be right where you need to be and thats assertive. You can't give women the right for you to trust them you have to let them earn it. And after feeling them out a bit and you like there qualities then you will know if she's girlfriend material but if she's a stuck up bitch you know when to walk. Good luck and take care of yourself.

  • jamesmsama.com/.../

    I stumbled upon this guy and I feel it may apply here.

    I know your question really isn't asking how to change or anything, but I feel like - if I'm reading between the lines correctly - you ay be interested in a happy medium between the badass and the nice guy.

    • Yeah a happy medium seems like the right spot for me but I have a problem with going to extremes I guess. Changing your personality is really hard because you have to pretty much abandon your old self and become a new person. Deep inside I'm probably still that nice guy but I started hating being that person so much that I completely blocked him out. I'm still nice but just not with girls that I like.

  • Someone is going to lose in the end, can you guess who? The first thing you want to do is change the type of women you go after. Its like doing the. Very same thing over and over again and wanting diffrent results, it just isn't going to happen. Be true with who you are and be that person. Failing a thousand times to get to the one right one will be all worth it.

    • I should find some place in between being super nice and being an asshole. I guess I just always go to extremes lol.

    • Finding a balance between the two can work. Just from experience having sex with a guy and never hearing back sucks and it hurts. You need to stop that. The truth is bitches and assholes are everywhere and even after all the hurt I still choose to be the better person. A loving women who is loyal and honest.

    • If thats the case, rather stay where i am than be a nice guy and play a good person twoards bitches.

  • First of all, never stop talking to a girl after y'all have sex... that makes her think that she was bad or she did something wrong. It would be best if you would just be friends with this girl to actually make sure you can actually trust her. When you get to that point, make sure she knows how you feel. You don't always have to be the jerk. Be friendly but not as friendly as you were when you were younger. And when it comes to having sex with this girl, if you like her enough, make sure she wants to. Ignoring those poor girls that didn't sleep with you was one of the reasons you never had a real relationship.

    • So you're suggesting I try to get in the friend zone instead of letting her know that I want more than that from the start? Sorry but that is going back to the nice guy syndrome and thats not going to happen lol.

    • Well then straight up tell her you like her. i was just saying that's what I would want a guy to do to me. And sometimes the nice guy actually wins...

What Guys Said 7

  • "Do you think once I find the right girl I will stop doing this and give her a chance"
    No. How can this ever happen? IF she has sex with you, you stop seeing her and end all contact. IF she doesn't have sex with you within three dates, you stop seeing her and end all contact.
    I think you just went too far in the other direction after being used a bunch of times. The confidence and idea of self worth is what is allowing you to approach women and go on dates. I think that's important and healthy, especially in the effort not to be "that guy" who gets taken advantage of. You won't feel like you "owe" her anything if you don't think she's better than you. However, the rest of it needs to be addressed. lol.
    You ask this question as if it's a passive change that will just happen to you. Just like before, you need to make a conscious change. This time don't change your personality or your approach (because they seem to be pretty positive, except for the whole ending contact thing), but go into these dates/relationships with the understanding that you won't have sex for a given period of time (or dates, or whatever you decide on). Basically, try doing the opposite of what you're doing now with your 3-dates-or-gone ultimatum. It will give you a chance to actually get to know her, rather than acting as a human relationship time bomb that goes off automatically after sex or 3 dates.
    Also, these girls are not the ones that used you in the past. You aren't even giving yourself a chance to find out if they are like those other girls. You say you know that it's "mean," but I don't think you could truly believe that yet. It feels like you're doing this because you think they deserve it at some level. You say your previous dates took advantage of you. Well you're doing exactly the same thing. It's completely inappropriate given that they haven't done anything except go on three dates with you. By even agreeing to go out with you they are already starting in the hole.

    • See the guy in the opinion below mine is saying to go out and find a "nice girl." He's not wrong, however you should understand from the girl's perspective. Say this "Nice Girl" is out there waiting around for a "Nice Guy" to come around. Right now, with all this bitterness and misplaced blame, you are absolutely not that "Nice Guy" she's waiting for. So either you'll end up settling for someone that is in a similar psychological situation as you, or continue with this empty dating that you're already tired of.

      Basically I think you need to either make the change on your own, or go see someone that will help you realize the difference between women in your past and women you haven't met and how you need to let go of your bitterness in order to move on with your life.

    • Show All
    • There's a difference between being a nice guy and being a pushover. You can still be a confident guy with the "mindset that you're a catch" and be nice. Confidence does not mean arrogance and it doesn't mean asshat. I hear what you're saying though. But that's why I'm saying start "small." Don't just go on 3 dates. Or if you feel like you really need to break it off, make yourself write down the definitive reason for breaking it off. Then, actually go break up instead of just not calling ever again. Also, the expectation the have sex within 3 dates is kind of ambitious if you're supposedly going for "relationships" instead of hookups. Unless it's been made clear it's not that serious.
      Also, you're dating. You're GOING to have to face rejection at some point. So if you cannot handle that at the moment, why not just take a break from dating for a bit? There's no point in dating if in the effort to avoid rejection you just reject everyone out of hand.

    • And to be clear, I don't just mean rejection as in a girl doesn't want to go out with you at all. It could also include being busy the night you suggest a date, not wanting to have sex at or before the third date, not necessarily wanting to do what you suggest doing that night... If you're actually going for a relationship, there's a lot of give and take. And right now you don't seem able to "give" without feeling like you're being taken advantage of.

  • You vile disgusting pig... just kidding. I love you man, you're my idol... no homo. lol

    I know what you mean about feeling empty inside. I get that a lot. Women use me for sex lol. I know, what am I complaining about right? But really what I want is a relationship and someone to trust...

    There are nice girls out there man. You just have to find them. I know one in particular and she's a good friend of mine. Unfortunately I'm not attracted to her AT ALL so we never dated.

    I really don't think there's a need to see a counselor. They'll just tell you the obvious. But if you have insurance and it's free then go for it. I can tell you right now that the reason you feel that way is because you've been betrayed by women. We all have. It's just that you took charge of life and now you're a stud, instead of a dud. My suggestion is to find a nice girl. I don't mean a hot one (although hot ones CAN be nice too) but one that doesn't party, stays home, does things with her man, thinks of him a lot, makes him meals and gives him massages without asking... Obviously dude. Avoid the ones that are super demanding because that means they are insincere, they only do that stuff because they expect something in return.

    • Can you ManThatKnewTooMuch help me? If you can read my last question, I would be very gratefull. I can see you are honest that's why I am asking you to help me?

    • Hmm yeah if a girl is super demanding I don't even bother with her. There was this one girl who started testing me after our second date and one night on the phone she started telling me that I was being fake because she could tell I was really into her but was just trying not to seem desperate. She started talking about how a girl like her always had options. Not sure what she said after that because I hung up on her. Then 2 days later she called and I didn't pick up so she left this long emotional voice mail about how she was wrong about me faking it and that I would never be happy in any relationship because I really was an asshole. I'll admit it made me smile a little but also kind of sad at the same time because it was true.

    • haha! Dude your story made me smile too. Don't feel sad man. You can't live life being some female's slave. She expected you to put up with her bullshit, she tested you... and you hung up on her ass. Women like that don't deserve good guys dude. Unfortunately that seems to be the trend among women- acting like bitches. There are good ones though dude, I swear. You just have to find them. Bookstore maybe?

  • I understand what you mean. On one hand you want to be this nice guy but women use him to their own advantage. On the other, you're a dick but you get women. You really want to be the nice guy but you know women won't respond to him the way you think you deserve. So you end up blaming women for this. You don't trust them to like the real you, so you never show them the real you. Instead, you take out your frustration by using them and dumping them, which leaves you yearning for the very thing you wanted all along - to be in a loving relationship where the girl accepts you for you.

    I think the optimum solution is somewhere in the middle. You've done the two extremes, now you need to dial it back and find a middle ground. Don't dump them so soon. Keep dating them until they give you a reason not to. Find what qualities you're looking for in a girl and disqualify them based on those. I think you'll need to reach deeper than "doesn't put out within three dates" and "does put out within three dates". You need to look out for your own interests, but first I think you need to figure out what those interests are. And I don't think it's an endless string of fuck-n-chucks.

  • Uh if you find the right girl and treat her like that you'll just lose her like the rest. And the reputation you're building for yourself might make sure you never do meet the right girl.

    I mean it's retarded to think there's no middle ground. Basically you realized that you don't need to let yourself be walked all over, which is important. That doesn't mean you have to be an asshole who uses ever girl he's with for sex. You can respect yourself and women at the same time, it's really not that hard.

  • bro i feel you completely. a few years back my ex cheated on me. after that i became an asshole and i didn't give a fuck about females, i wasn't a total dick but i never let them in, i just kept my distance. every time i felt myself get close enough i'll just end everything. over the years i started feeling bad, because i know i hurt so many girls. i made someone recently and i was doing the same, i kept pushing her way because i liked her but she never left, because she said she really liked me, so i took a chance and i started to opening up. i felt bad for the many times i made her cry and stuff, so i was trying to make her up to her. little that i know she already had her walls up and when she know she had.. bam breaks up with me for being to nice/needy or whatever you wanna call it. ain't that some shit?

  • Save yourself a lot of trouble = nomoremrniceguy. com and read the book. You have been manipulated by your mother to be a " Nice Guy " to please her.

    • Maybe you should read a book about reading comprehension. I don't have a problem with being too nice, my problem is I'm too mean... I could probably write my own book about how to stop being a nice guy

    • Show All
    • Lol okay then. Thanks for your insight :)

    • Ok , enjoy yourself

  • A lot of guys have went through this don't worry it's completely normal...