How do I adjust my mind back to having "normal" thinking?

I am not sure if I was just dating more "clingy"/"caring"/"sweet" guys/men before, or if the man I am seeing now is actually just not "caring" as much as they did.

My ex-boyfriends were all those who'd texts/calls to say good morning and good night daily, on top of checking in multiple times during the day and phone calls. They'd make sure that I got from one place to another place safe, I ate well, I dressed warm etc. At first, I was like, "Why wouldn't I be safe?", "Why wouldn't I know to eat if I'm hungry?" or "Why wouldn't I be able to take care of myself?", when I received those messages, but I guess I got used to it after having that done to me daily for years. And now, to my new man, I somehow feel like, "why doesn't he care if I'm safe getting to places (or home) or if I'm well?" I wonder why we don't talk to/text each other a lot, and I worried when he didn't contact me at night.

I feel like I might have been "programmed" to have a "clingy" mindset now even though I try not to show it because I don't like it. If I push myself to think LOGICALLY, I'd ask myself, "You're an independent grown woman. Why'd someone have to constantly worry if you get home safe or not if you've been doing that daily all these years? Why'd you want someone to think that you're retarded enough to not know to eat when you're hungry, or to wear more layers when you're cold?" but then when feelings kick in (where you start to think about how much others "care"/"cared" about you), I start to question why'd others "care" about me more than he does. I've been seeing this new man for about a month, and I feel like he's just being "normal" (like how I once was) and I see how he shows me he pays attention to me in other ways. I don't want these little things to be the dealbreakers because logically I KNOW they ain't big deals and are unnecessary. How do I adjust my mindset back to "normal" so I won't be bothered by those things?


Most Helpful Guy

  • Each guy is different. Those things the other guys did for you, I would not call them clingy at all. Im the type of guy that does those things not because I am clingy but because I care about her and I want to express that. I don't think she is dumb or retarded, I ask those things to show her that I care about her and I want to make her feel special and that is one small thing I can do to show that. If a guy doesn't do those things, that doesn't make him uncaring, he is just different. Hopefully, he shows he cares about you in different ways. Neither one is right or wrong. They are just different. Try to think about it like that. Maybe you will discover you like one over the other.

    • I obviously am fine/comfortable with people doing those things because that's what've happened for years, and as a matter of fact, I have protective friends who'd do those things to me now, and that doesn't bother me. Just that at the same time, I need to know that some guys are just not like that, and if I want to be with one who's not like that (like the one I'm seeing now), I need to find a way for myself to be able to "adapt" to it. I mean, I see his efforts in trying to do things "my way" even though it might not be something he's used to doing, like I've mentioned to him once jokingly that he didn't even wish me a good day anymore when he stopped texting me good morning after 1-2 weeks, he then immediately resumed the good morning texts the next day and he hasn't stopped doing so until now. I can't just ask him to do whatever I like without working on my own to compromise to meet him half-way because we both need to put efforts in if we want to make us work

    • I totally agree with all of that. Some guys are more affectionate than others but that doesn't mean a guy that isn't as affectionate cares for you any less. I guess you just have to either except them how they are or decide you like one over the other and go for that type of guy. Compromise is good to some extent cuz nobody is perfect but too much compromise isn't good either or you stop being who you are so I guess you have to have some balance there.

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What Guys Said 3

  • Well, instead of saying, that I should do or should not do anything, ask yourself why you crave this attention in the first place. What are you insecure about? Ultimately, you know what's going on in your mind better than us :) Once you're more aware of what is driving your behaviour, you'll have a firmer basis for changing your behaviour.

    I think most things in life are about balance. If your boyfriend sends you a text asking if you have wiped properly, then that might be a bit over the top. If, on the other hand, he seems pretty much indifferent, then he may be too far in the other direction. What gestures does he give that indicates that he likes you and he is interested and concerned? You may be within your rights to say something, err, calmly and rationally, if you feel he is not affectionate enough.

  • You're a good woman. Thank you for being logical. Your man is a lucky one.

    Just keep talking to yourself. Be logical. Use your brain. It just takes time... Just like it took time for those clingy guys to brainwash you, so to speak.

    • Thank you. I'll keep working on that I guess.

  • Well you are attention craving girl. Approximately 65% of women in this world are victims of these mindset.
    It's not your mistake. Women demand attention and men give it. I think you are beautiful girl in spotlight of many guys. Hence you were given constant attention and lived queen life.
    Now you are been slowly deprived of that. Hence you feel strange. But believe me it is nothing serious.

    • I think my attention seeking is only directed to the person I like, because I do get quite some attentions from others, whether they're strangers on the streets or friends, but that doesn't substitute the need of attention I need from the person I like. Instead, sometimes that makes me question myself why he wouldn't give me as much attention as others do.

    • This is what a secret recipe for men to gain attention of girls. This is what most shy guys fail to understand that you just need to ignore a women after nice befriending to gain attention of her. Hence they end up single andcrepulsive to women.
      A champion guy knows how to make that girl think of me. I am not saying that giys are always manipulating. Believe me those who really like particular woman don't necessarily manipulate.
      With time and satisfaction of lust, the guy / girl will start loosing interest and automatically gives less attention like b4.
      I have tried explained you other side of story for yiur problem. Girks cannot make out seriously between real and fake affection. Well it is getting common for both the genders. Only experience and time will teach you , how to choose a perfect partner.
      I don't know how to explain you because it's long and complicated. You may not like it.

    • But again, it is not necessary that person has start giving less attention to you because he started loosing interest in you.
      Well when couples are new to each other, they are super excited and hence those attentions. Attention is very necessary in a fir a good start of relationship. But as it gets old, the attention naturally fades because it doesn't seem to be required any more. Same kind of attention cannot be given for longer time. But for most couples, it doesn't matters because of the good understanding they develop with each other.

What Girls Said 1

  • You were very fortunate in having All Ex boyfriends who gave a damn about you. Many of today's toms are sporadic, unpredictable and don't give a rat's behind if you're sick or even dead or alive...and that is Being in some kind of relationship with a girl. You had the best of the rest, sweetie. Congrats!
    Now that you have this "new guy in town" in your life, and he isn't as "caring and raring" to find out whether or not you're hot or cold, the mindset that you Have had been Used to with the others, was a more "obsessed" kind of man, and because this newbie shows His "specialties" differently, has gotten you "bothered" now, and he is like this "challenge," for the others you knew, did this naturally, constantly, and you knew every day, like clockwork, what they were going to do, pretty much what they would say or how they may react, and you got tired of hearing it, always being treated like a baby, and you took advantage of all the affection and attention. Now that you are not hearing all of the "programmed parasites" you became accustomed to, it doesn't seem "logical" to you. I believe, deep down, It has become a "big deal that you find necessary" to Possibly become a-------- "make or break you" deal in this relationship.
    Accept him for who he is, and try and not compare him to your Ex's. As long as you don't see any red flags raised that he is unworthy or puts you on a "pay no mind list," don't let anything bother you. Start "adjusting" to someone who perhaps is above "normal," just doesn't do an overkill of everything.
    And always bear in mind, Every man Is different, no man is alike.xx