Why did my boyfriend immediately begin looking for new prospective dates immediately following our break up?

I met my boyfriend on Match.com after talking to him online off and on for about 5 months. I had gone through a divorce last August and was still dealing with emotional issues. He waited patiently to meet me and was sweet and accepting of my situation. He is what most would consider to be average looking and non-descript. But I was very attracted to his kindness, compassion, and quiet confidence. And he had the most beautiful smile. He is 48 and I am 39, and we went out for 6 months. The first few months of dating were nice. He was very respectful, thoughtful and affectionate. He would send me little emails and help me with tasks. Although I could tell that he was ready to pursue a sexual relationship he waited until I initiated it. However I was a little concerned when he told me that he had never been married, rarely dated, and that his last girlfriend had been 2 years previously and lasted about a year. When I asked him what happened with the relationship he stated that it "just fizzled out." I also knew that I still had some insecurity issues and my life is still a bit of a mess as I am back in school, unemployed, and my son just graduated from high school and is leaving for the military. I made sure to discuss these things with him and he was very accepting. We began a sexual relationship a few weeks into the relationship and he asked me to be his girlfriend. He was very into me and continued to be very affectionate. But I was scared that he idealized me a bit too much and I feared that I wouldn't be able to live up to his ideals. He also seemed the type to not want to "rock the boat" and appeared a little repressive emotionally. He said and did the right things, but never talked about feelings or showed much emotion. Our discussions were everyday-life type issues. He introduced me to his family and friends, and they told me that he had never brought a girl home before which made me feel confident that his intentions seemed serious. But he never talked about his feelings. I in turn became more guarded because I didn't want to get hurt. So things became strained. We still spent a lot of time together and talked everyday, but it almost felt like "going through the motions." We never argued, fought, and he never seemed upset. He still seemed serious as he spent time with me at my parents' house, went with me to my son's graduation, asked my son out alone to a concert 2 weekends ago, and asked me only last weekend if I was opposed to moving in with him once my lease was up on my apartment in August. I told him we could talk about it. This week he still called me every night but didn't initiate seeing me. I finally asked him Thursday night if we were okay and he told me he was feeling less. So I suggested that we break up and he said he wanted to be friends and we agreed to give it time. I looked his profile up on Match this weekend and found that he was regularly online. What does this mean?Did he ever really care about me?Did I chase him away?


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What Guys Said 2

  • Charlie, it sounds like this guy has some issues, and while he may have talked about wanting a relationship and about wanting to get serious, he is ultimately scared of it so lets things "fizzle" before they have a chance to get truly serious.

    Not to make light of anything, but personally I wouldn't worry about this. It sounds like this is the first relationship since your divorce, so be proud of yourself for getting back out there (very scary to do), and get back out there.

    All that you should take away from this is to look at everything that you just went through, be honest with yourself about what you liked, and what you didn't, and then focus on going for what you want, rather than worrying about making something work.

    Best wishes, and good luck on future dates.

    • Thanks for the advice... I think you are probably right. I just don't understand the mixed signals. Would a guy take a girl to meet his friends and family unless he had serious intentions and real feelings? And would he make such an effort to spend time with her son? He took my son to that concert only 2 short weeks ago. I feel like giving him a piece of my mind... would you advise this?

    • I guess I just don't know what to trust anymore. He seemed like such a genuine, honest guy... your proverbial 'nice guy.'

    • Honestly, in the small glimpse that I can see from your question, it seems like he has commitment issues. If you were to look at all of his previous relationships, I'm sure that you would find a very similar pattern.

      Personally I don't really think it was you, and I might go so far to say he isn't a jerk at all. But, the fact that you figured this out now, is probably a good thing. Your gut is probably giving you some good advie, follow that,.... just avoid telling him off. :)

  • You met him on Match.com End of story.

    I'm starting a dating site that requires more communication than the other two sites - and it's free. :) - and looks awesome and is easy to use - but will withhold the URL here until it's live.

    People are people. People like f***ing, hate being alone, and won't waste time getting what they want if they don't have to - I'm generalizing here - some people - not all. :)

    Move on. You have plenty of time. Pick your heart off the floor and just go meet somebody.

    • Thanks... I sent a 'friend' request to you. Will you give me the URL to your site when you get it up and running?

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