2 years ago, I was relocated to work in the team of 14 people, where there was only one girl and rest were guys. I knew this girl joined this team only few months before I did, she was in another team before that. I always thought she's beautiful. Hands down, the prettiest female worker in the company. I never talked to her before but I knew she was only 25 and already had so much skills, she used to give lectures on the university. I was so happy that I joined that team because of her and also because I wouldn't be the only female.
She was so quite all the time, she only worked and did never talk to anyone in the team, until I joined. Guys were just being guys tho, they tried hanging out with her but she didn't seem interested. We quickly bonded and then she told me that she feels as if it's inappropriate to hangout with them and go to after work drinking with them because she has a boyfriend. But that she does really like them all a lot. I could tell she actually wanted to hangout with us, so I kind of convinced her that's okay to go out all together sometimes when I'm also there too, then it wouldn't be inappropriate. And so we did.
Over the few years we all became close friends and she is not the shy type anymore. I got to know her better, she really is a good, smart, kind, funny person. She's also beautiful and has handsome & rich boyfriend who loves her to death.
But over the past few months, I've noticed that is becoming a little too close to the guys, especially this one other coworker. Half of them are single and I know most of them have a crush on her. I'm sure she knows it too, because it seems like she is using that to get advantages. She is now freely going out alone with them, even alone with that coworker sometimes. Few days ago her and I disagreed something about work and most votes went to her, even tho I think I was right (and later it turned out I really was right).
She gets all the attention and she is now being cocky about it. She also doesn't really talk to me that much anymore, she is always clinging to that one coworker who is desperately in love with her (we all know that) hoping that she will dump her boyfriend, which will never happen.
Recently she told me that she's planning on applying to a lead position, she wants to be our boss. Technically, she's not doing anything wrong, I know that. She is a hard worker and she very ambitious, she cares a lot about her career, and I know she would be a great boss. She is going after what she wants and she's gonna get it.
Recently I started being very jealous of her. Mostly because I am average looking, single and not that ambitious. I have life outside of work which I love, but when at work I feel so small because of her. She does everything so perfectly. We also have an entertainment zone at the office we play all sorts of games, and she beats everyone every single time. She made cake for us all one time and the cake was freaking delicious (my baking skills can't even compare).
I just hate it, honestly. I don't want to envy her but it's stronger then me. I had a very difficult life and I still barely manage though some daily obstacles I have to deal with, I barely survived some things in life (like, you wouldn't believe though what kind of shit I had to go through to my whole life, even losing my foot in the process one time - yeah, I'm amputee). And there she is, all perfect, given honey spoon and gentle hand through life. She didn't go through any real hardships besides studying hard. Her family was good with money and they are happily married couple (I've met them they're great). She said that she had a great childhood and that in general her life has always been good. It's just not fair. How can that even be? She is also super fit and she doesn't work out at all. She eats like pig! I guess she was also blessed with good metabolism.
I know I need to get over this jealousy. It's not that I want to be her, it's just that when I see her and me and other people who are unfairly struggling in life, it makes me hate the world. And it makes me not want to be her friend anymore. I can't talk to her about many things because she doesn't understand, because she never had it hard. She only talks about basic stuff, small talk, funny jokes, scientific stuff, politics, our work, blah blah. There is actually no deepness in her.
But I know it's not her fault. She was just lucky. And even though I'm jealous and feel resentment towards her, I still like her in the same time. And I hate that!
Any thoughts? :)