How does this scene make you feel / what do you think?

Ok so I'm an aspiring writer, and I would love to believe that I can write better sex scenes than E. L. James. I haven't come to the sex yet, but what do you think of this snippet of make-out scene?
Do I show potential? Or should I just give up on sexy scenes in my future stories?

How does this scene make you feel / what do you think?
I welcome other constructive criticism. Please note that English is not my first language so if you want to correct me on that, don't be a jerk. Thank you.

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Most Helpful Guy

  • This is a completely unbelievable and subsequently uninteresting scene - people don't behave this way, and most bars wouldn't abide it.

    The writing style itself isn't too bad, but it does feel a bit scattershot in places, almost as if you were just writing new ideas as they came to you instead of planning the scene ahead of time.

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    • haha I am writing as I go. I can't plan everything. If I spend too much time planning or thinking about something, I would lose interest in writing it at all or would be worried about perfection that I wouldn't go forward at all. I need spontaneity in order to get some decent amount of writing done.

      So how could it be better?

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    • No problem, I used to write a lot of erotica.

    • That's better, sure.

Most Helpful Girl

  • I mean, yeah, it’s better than 50 Shades, but that’s not saying much at all.

    That’s honestly revolting. I don’t know who would find that sexy. Dribbling warm booze into someone’s mouth. I want to take a shower just from the thought.

    Body shots would be better, though not possible in a public setting as you have it.

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    • Honestly i would love to take such drink out of ur mouth...
      Some people love it including me

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    • Ugh, that’s even grosser than dribbling booze into someone else’s mouth.

    • You act like a creepy lech and expect to be rewarded for it? Fuck's wrong with you, Ali?

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Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 1

  • So far so good. Don't be afraid to use dirty/kinky words when describing idea's or parts. Keep going.

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What Girls Said 1

  • It's not bad! I do find the spitting liquid into someone else's mouth part a little unpleasant but some people might like it. Some of the wording should be changed but it's definitely something

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    • Like what?

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    • Like talking about his moist lips. Just seemed weird to me but maybe that's just me

    • Haha ok thanks. Need to find another adjective then

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