Everything started when my paternal grandmother gave birth to 3 sons and the oldest one out of them (Andre) met a country-girl (Tessa) who desperately wanted to live in the city and run from her twisted family life. Andre was a very good-looking young man, he used to be quiet and kinda socially awkward but Tessa liked the air of mystery and assumed that his silence was the cause of his wisdom. He was a law student and planned to be a prosecutor and he was madly in love with social butterfly, Tessa.
She naively believed that thanks to Andre and his high goals she would live a happy life, distance from her family where she felt unwanted and she'd live in the city of her dreams. So when Andre proposed, she said "Yes". (Later she will say that was one of the biggest mistakes she made in her life)
Andre's family had a small family business but they still lived in a poor conditions. Andre, his 2 brothers, his parents and Tessa lived in the same house. Andre was newly recovered from the very life-threatening surgery and he couldn't continue studying as a lawyer, instead he started working as a security guard. He had so miserable salary that It was not enough for 2 people not to say for other family members. All his dreams ruined. He had a family and he couldn't afford it. Tessa was pregnant, she would spend most of the time in her parents' house cause her husband couldn't provide for her and her mother-in low turned her life into hell, fought every time when Andre was away, treated her like a servant, would tell Andre bad things about Tessa and Andre being raised as a mama's boy could do nothing other than complaining to her wife.
9 months passed and Tessa gave birth to the daughter. Tessa had nothing to feed her, her milk wasn't rich with vitamins, baby would refuse to eat it and Andre couldn't help. The only thing he did was playing cards with his guy friends and listening to my mom's complaints with irritated face. He worked but It was never enough, he worked for 1 day and rested for 2 other days. When Tessa asked him for food, he would just say "I don't have money, what can I do"?
Tessa started to realize that she made a big mistake, she and her husband lived in one small room in the house of her mother-in low. They didn't even have enough money to move out. Later, I and my sister grew up in that small room too, sleeping on the floor aside our parents.
Dad would raise me as a person who would make all his dreams come true. Mom would say I was the only person capable of taking us out of the shit. I must have studied. If I didn't I was fucked up. I felt like I was the only person capable of change, others just existed, they didn't live.
My anger to my dad and mom would raise everyday, I wondered why they did nothing to pull us out of the shit. Dad would blame mom, mom would blame dad, they would tell me horrible things about each other. After all, I felt that I was disgusted and became disrespectful to them.
My grandmother (mom's mother in low) would constantly humiliate, fight and argue with my mom and dad wasn't capable of fighting with her. I actually felt like he was kinda afraid of her. I was the only person who could protest it, who could protect my mother and even father when my grandma humiliated him in front of us. I became aware that no one could protect me and that I was the only person who I had. Parents had anger issues, dad would curse with the worst words imaginable and mom would beat us. She asked "why do you cry" and I couldn't answer she would beat even harder. I hadn't place to run away, was still locked in the same room with them. We hated and still loved each other.
Mom and dad would try to make me happy all the time, they sacrificed everything to give me education. I was their "plan", I didn't have my life, felt like they created me for their plan: Saving them from the place they've been.
Dad would always be more aggressive to me rather than my sister. He would yell at me and I yelled at him too, I didn't see a person I must have respected in him, I saw a miserable man who couldn't protect and provide for his family. He was looked over in his job too, some educated bastards thought they were more than him. I hated it too. I had a strong sense of possession and would protect anything that was called mine. Weak or strong, my dad was my dad. That's why I started hating "alpha" males, I saw them as enemies of my dad and thus, my enemies.
I had strong protective instincts of my family. I would sleep the last one to check if lights were off and door was locked. I was the one who would hide knife in her pocket and follow my dad when he went to take money from his bank account. I felt like I was obliged to do it, I couldn't do it otherwise. I saw danger from everywhere (even when It didn't exist) and couldn't let my father outside without me being by his side. I thought with me he was safe (It must have been other way around) and I would walk with frowned face and chin up with that look in my eyes that would let everyone know that I was a big deal and they would rather not approach me. Dad would find it fun and would let me go with him, he didn't think I was serious. He wanted me to be a girly girl and was surprised when saw me being aggressive, leading and furious. I didn't fit his view of "daughter" but that's how he raised me. He would always say that only strong ones could survive, I must have been strong to survive, that's what he taught. He raised me like a warrior and was surprised when I acted like a one.
Even though that I disliked "alpha" males I hated and felt disgusted of weak males, because they reminded me my lost femininity, they reminded me my father, my quiet and shy father. He wasn't physically weak, very strong actually but he didn't know what to do when my mom was humiliated by my grandma, he didn't know how to protect us from his own mom, how could he protect us from outsiders?
After years I became distant from my dad, we still talk but mostly it ends with fight. I am not the daughter they wanted me to be and they're not parents I wanted them to be but life is not perfect and we should learn how to deal with it. I hope I will still make their dreams come true and help them solve problems they have but I can't forgive them.... I can't forgive my dad the loss of my femininity and the split in my personality.
Last time when I fought with my dad, mom told him "Calm down Andre, It's not her fault, that's the monster we created".
With Love,
Miss
Thanks for listening.
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