Is it wrong to drop my friend because she's cheating on her fiance?

I'm becoming really good friends with this girl at work. But the more I get to know her the more I don't like how she handles relationships. She is a great friend but a shitty gf/fiance.

She and her fiance are in a long distance relationship. She met the new guys and they started their fling about a year ago. After the first time, she told her fiance (then boyfriend) that she cheated. It was a big deal, they worked through it. My friend was supposed to end things but she kept messing with the guy. Now the new guy doesn't want her and she was depressed. Now she's messing with a new guy she has feelings for.

She keeps coming to me for advice and I tell her to break up with the fiance, let him live his life. She doesn't want to do that. I don't want to be around her because I hate cheating/cheaters. They aren't shit. But I feel conflicted because she is my friend and has been a good friend. But she's doing fucked up things!

Should I make this decision based on my morals and how I feel about her decisions?


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Most Helpful Guy

  • Well, long distance relationships are a complicated thing. But the paradigm still stands, if you have a partner and there is a certain amount of devotion going on, it is morally wrong to cheat on him/her.

    So much for that, as to whether you should keep her as a friend. Well, if the only interaction going on is you being an advisor and a dustbin for emotions, then yes. Because this is toxic and one gets tired of it at one point, furthermore it may actually start getting you down and ultimately exhausting you, because you're the one actually making most of the effort (all she does is come and dump her problems onto you).

    If, however, you actually have a productive friendship, you enjoy your other conversations with her (of which there should be plenty) you probably shouldn't leave her behind, rather talk with her about the fact that you really can't give her any more advice on that matter and that you've done all that you can on your part. If she's a friend, a good one, she should understand and shouldn't be too defensive about it. Also, if her moral lowpoints do not affect you personally, don't take them as yours, don't let them get you down, because it really isn't that much your business.

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    • Woopsie. If you're a dustbin, then you should dump her*

Most Helpful Girl

  • I wouldn't associate myself with someone who does something like that, especially when it's clearly a behavior that she repeats and refuses to change (the right thing she should do is break up with her partner, because he doesn't deserve this treatment). People are saying that you shouldn't break things off with her because she's never done anything to you *personally*. I think that's absolute bullshit. That's like being friends with a bully and justifying it by saying "well, they've never bullied ME..."
    She has clearly shown that she's not a person worth trusting, she's selfish and only thinks of what's most comfortable for her. Those character traits can easily bleed into your friendship in many ways.
    No, it's not your job to be her therapist. It's true that friends can help each other through bad times but this gal seems pretty messed up, to the point where she'd be better off talking to a professional. As of right now it seems like you're just a bucket that she can wring all her dirty water into, without taking your help or advice into consideration at all. People on here are telling you to help her, but it's pretty clear she doesn't even want your help. She just wants to vent to you to get it off her mind, probably because she knows that what she's doing is fucked up and if she kept all of this to herself, she would implode.
    My advice is to tell her that you're not interested in this drama anymore since she won't even listen to what you have to say. Plus she's reminding you of something bad you've gone through yourself. Whether that will end your friendship or not I don't know, but a small improvement would be for her to realize that what she's doing is wrong, OR she'll stop using you as a bucket her for dirty water.

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    • Like 90% of the people who go on and on about how bad cheating is ARE cheaters in secret who get off on looking better than others. I've seen it. Not saying you are but that's why my tude is pfffft. And no, I've never cheated.

Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 193

  • If she is cheating with her finance you should definitely tell him so he can handle it and get it over with! I would greatly appreciate that! Please tell him! I would drop her to, she has issues.

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  • I agree with @OlderAndWiser: be a good example to her.
    This girl will fuck up her life by destroying relationships, losing the man to whom she is engaged and breaking his heart.
    If her problem is as simple as a need for sexual release, tell her to buy a big dildo.
    Her story is an old one. There is an old saying: "It is not that he/she has anything that you do not, but he/she has it here."
    Long-distance relationships usually do not work, for that reason.
    When this girl hits bottom, she will need a friend who is centred morally to help her rebuild.
    You can be that friend.

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  • If you fall in with the trash, you become the trash.

    Cheating on her fiance? Why is she promising to fucking marry him then?

    You think she won't betray you just as easily when it suits her? You gonna be her good and loyal TRUE friend, are ya? Is that what you expect her to be? You gonna sit there and watch as she chews this guy up and spits him out and licks the gravy?

    That fiance of hers is some mother's son. Do you want that for your son, someday? Any men in your life you give half a shit about? A father, a brother? How would you feel if they got taken in by some snake and nobody said anything?

    You'd better tell him what's going on, or it'll happen to your sons.

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  • Yes you should drop her...

    "One bad sheep can poison the flock"

    Tell the fiancé if possible..
    This guy deserves to know.
    Please.

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  • You could tell her that you will be her friend but you won't
    take part of her cheating on any guy, basically lay the cards
    on the table on how you see things. Sure it's easier said than
    done but you will be better off in the long run and i know you
    don't want hurt her feelings but if she truly loves the guy she
    wouldn't be cheating on him. Plus you don't want her to draw
    you into anything that involves in her cheating on a guy cause
    that could very well happen. She could say you said anything
    and you don't want that to happen , least if it was me i wouldn't
    want be in part of someone whose cheating on their partner.

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  • Not wrong at all. Part of the reason friendships exists is that you share certain values. If your friend over night became a racist or as you say is now cheating on her fiancee that is a pretty major character flaw.

    That mark of disloyalty is representative of how loyal she'd be to you. Integrity is like a tree. You grow the roots over time. She doesn't appear to have those roots.

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  • The fact that she's coming to you for advice tells us two things.
    1. She understands she has a problem and is looking to you for assurance and support.
    2. She's showing trust in you as a new friend.

    You clearly care for this person and hope for her well being. The true question is, how much energy are you willing to put into a friendship with someone who is in self-destruct mode?

    I'll tell you this... My best friend in high school sabotaged every good relationship he ever had. When he came crying to me for advice, I was expected to comfort him and help fix the problem. I always kept up my end but to no avail.

    I let that friendship go and life has been that much less stressful. I say hold on if you're willing. If she starts bringing you down with her, cut ties.

    Good luck!

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    • I had a friend in high school like that too. Sometimes it's best to let these friendships go. A lot less stress.

    • Exactly. It's noble to want to help others in need, but not at the cost of your own well being. Friendships should be mutually beneficial!

  • Can you be a good example to her, try to influence her in the right direction, and be confident that she will not influence you in the wrong direction?

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    • I'm confident I won't be that way.

    • There is much to be said for trying to live your life as an example to others!

  • You already know what the right answer is. You've said it in your question.

    What you are really doing is looking for a way to rationalize your avoidance of having the awkward conversation of explaining why you aren't going to be friends with her anymore.

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  • This is a classic example of selfish behaviour. If she can't find what she needs from her fiancee then it's unfair to stop him finding happiness! In my opinion she's a monkey: will keep hold of one branch until she has another in her grip! They will never work, even of they marry she'll always find an excuse to cheat - desperate for attention and never satisfied with what she's has! This is a poor person, and an even worse friend expecting her friends to keep this lie a secret. The one i feel most sorry for is her fiancee - poor chap has no idea what this woman really is!

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  • One, tell her that she is putting you in a difficult position. Two, explain to her your thoughts and feelings on this. Three , also bring up the fact this subject isn't exactly workplace safe. Fourth, if they aren't going to listen, why keep helping them?

    Also because I have been cheated on, I would tell her fiancé.

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  • Lol. No, you should not stop being friends with someone simply because they have a weakness UNLESS it puts you in harms way or they are doing violence to people/animals.

    Her fiance is an adult. I bet you there were 20 signs that she's a cheater and he chose to ignore it. You're not her mom or his mom. Do cheaters suck? Sure. But everybody sucks in some way. Just because it is easy for you (and me) not to cheat does not mean everybody else experiences the world the same way /with the same self-control.

    If you are tired of hearing about her BS just tell her to stop telling you about it. If that makes her want to stop being your friend or if she IS a bad friend then dump her. But nit over what she does in her relationship.

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  • Don't get involved, and you should probably not make her a close friend if you have a pb with her behavior. I personally don't understand why she wants to get married to someone she obviously doesn't love. She should see a shrink before breaking other people's heart and life.

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  • That's not really any of your concern unless her man confronts you and ask. It's at that point where you need to pull out your morals and tell him the truth and what you know.

    After all, if your fiancé was doing that and his friend knew about it. You would appreciate it if he told you the truth when you asked him

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  • Their is nothing wrong with cutting bad people out of your life. Inform her that if she does not stop does not break up with her fiancé (who deserves way better. This causes sever trauma to the person and will affect him for years if not the rest of his life) then you cannot be friends with her. If she cannot be loyal to the one person she should be loyal to then how can you trust her to be loyal to you? Either she needs to change or you need to cut her out of your life. Their is nothing wrong with wanting friends who are moral and good people.

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  • I'm not friends with people that actively cheat. If any of my guy friends cheated on their girlfriend I would expect them to be very remorseful and explain themselves to me as well as her. If they then want to then break up with their current girlfriend and start seeing the new girl, fine. But I'm not going to be friends with assholes that sneak around their SO's back and sleeps with other people. Morals aren't worth much if you're just willing to look the other way when people around you break them.

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  • Clearly she is a selfish person who wants to keep a "backup plan" as in her fiance in case her flirts do not work out. Any person who disregards one's significant other's feelings should be left alone in that case. If you do not set a clear line between what you deem as morally and socially appropriate behaviour then she'll never understand. She might even think it's ok to be with your best friend's boyfriend if the boyfriend is willing. Such people will never be good friends. It's as the saying goes: "It is better to have a smart enemy than a dumb friend" because those friends will only bring you down.

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  • I think you should tell her fiance. It's fucked up to let him marry someone who he doesn't know is having sex with other guys

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  • Tell her you're not going to give her any advice, but what she's doing is wrong, and if she ends up losing her boyfriend or messing things up, you won't feel any sympathy for her. Tell her to keep you out of her relationship business, you don't want to know about it or have anything to do with it. She doesn't sound like a worthy friend if you ask me. If she can treat her relationships like that then it says a lot about her. Probably the kind of friend you only want to know on the surface.

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  • Let her live her life! How dare you shame her for acting the way she wants even if its not the way her fiance wants her to be, both he and you aren't understanding that she shouldn't be judged.

    Just kidding, drop the ho. Im suprised she tells you these things. No morals and no shame, what the hell is going on with the world.

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  • i don't think it's wrong to drop friends because you disagree with their values, decisions, morals, etc.

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  • Ya know with this type of question it really depends on individual. With this type of situation it seems like your friendship with her is strictly platonic validating the qualities that you've just stated that she's a great friend, but her personal choices hasn't effected your already fixed standards. In my perspective it's alright if you stayed friends with her, she hasn't given you any reasons to unfriend her at least not directly. So stay friends and maybe something positive will become of it.:)

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  • Have you told her it is a bad thing she is doing and needs to stop? Good friends let each other know when they are exhibiting bad behavior. Don't let that behavior continue without warning her.

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    • I have, many times. But there are so many excuses.
      "I need sex."
      "Toys aren't the same."
      "I'm confused."
      "My fiance won't let me go if I try to break up with him"

  • If you cannot live with her decisions, then don't, leave.
    You cannot change her decisions, only she can do that. So if you cannot accept her decisions for what they are, no matter the reason, then you would not be being a good friend by keeping company with her.

    However, if you can accept her decisions for what they are. And you are ok with that being HER choice (obviously not yours) then stick around.

    I don't think either decision is inherently wrong or right, it either works for you or it doesn't. Neither one makes you a good or bad person.

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  • You can stay casual friends at work, but you shouldn't get too involved in her life.

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  • Yeah it is. If she can betray her fiancee then she can betray you too.

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  • Your friend has to grow a spine and break up with her fiance. It's not fair on him and because it's a distance relationship with him it makes it easier for her to cheat. She is cheating because she is not satisfied with what she's got.

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  • Sure if her morals and values don't feel comfortable for you and if they don't aligne with you - it's fine. Nothing wrong with that

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  • Its not wrong. You're well within your right to choose who you wanna be friends with. Tell her fiance that he's engaged to a cheating whore.

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  • Ask yourself - is this the kind of person you want to consider friends?

    Who betrays their partner will eventually also betray a friend.

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What Girls Said 81

  • No it's not wrong to drop her. She knows what she's doing is wrong and comes to you for affirmation. She asks your advice and doesn't listen. Those are not good characteristics in a friend. If she can sit here and lie to her fiancé and keep this from him... she will screw you over as a friend. She is going to destroy the guy she is with and she seems to be okay with that. That's selfish. She's not ready for marriage. She needs to get her life in order and stop being inconsiderate of others.

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    • This deserves so many likes.

    • Show All
    • And that's why I say, stick to your guns. Don't endorse what she's doing whenever she asks and eventually she'll stop coming to you on her own, or she'll realize that she screwed up and get her life in order. It's sad to say it, but if she doesn't change, then eventually you probably will.

    • Even more reason to drop her. That's all she wants you to do is agree with her and validate her wrong-doing. Maybe she trusts you and that's why she keeps coming back. She has to want to change herself. She sounds like the type of girl that just likes the idea of marriage. I'll say it again... she is going to destroy that poor guy and anyone else that comes into her life. Look at you... torn and you shouldn't be feeling like this. She's just going to find another friend to do this to. She doesn't care. It's going to take something really shitty to happen to her in order for her to stop. She apologized to him and kept on... she don't mean that. It was just words. I hope he wises up and realizing she's not the one. She needs to have her heart broken. Hate to say that but she will never learn.

  • I have ended a couple friendships with girlfriends who were cheating on their partners, the way I see it is if they're going to cheat on the person they're supposed to love more than anyone then they would have no issue stabbing you in the back.

    Stop being he friend, she doesn't values relationships.

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  • I would probably straight up tell her you don't want to hear anymore about it, that the behaviour is starting to affect the way you see and feel about her and if it continues to be in your face you'd prefer to not be friends anymore.

    It puts the responsibility of her behaviour back on her, and the future of your friendship. You're honouring your feelings by being honest and making your feelings known without being judgmental of her choices

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  • No it's not wrong.

    Why don't you open your eyes and realize that you're friend is just using you... looking for validation for her shitty behavior

    How has no one pointed this out?

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  • You have the right to drop whatever friend you want for any reason.
    And just think about this, if this is how she treats her own fiancé how was she going to treat somebody thats her "friend"?
    Just something to think about

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  • Influence nowadays is strong, believe it or not. People can rub off on you... no matter how strong you believe yourself to be. For her to ask you for help, she's already partly "involving" you in the situation... you gave her advice and she claimed "she couldn't do that"? ... Realistically, we'll say one thing and something ends up happening... they say "never say never" for many reasons... personally, I would try to influence her on good morals so it could better benefit her and her life... but if she outright rejects it, she is choosing to flat out ignore or put down the advice... with freedom/power comes with great responsibility... I personally couldn't keep in contact with someone who chooses to see this as a good thing... and when it's someone closest to you, it can be scary.. because you end up asking yourself, did I really just compromise the morals I believed for this result? This is why we have to think about who we accompany ourselves with... think twice, long and hard...

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  • Your friend has shit values. I would not want to be friends with her either, regardless of how nice she is to *me*.

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  • That's horrible. What your friend is doing that is. I would have done the same thing in your situation.

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  • It would be wrong to de friend her for that reason. She sounds like she has psychological relationship reasons. For that until she gets help. You don't have to hang out with her. If she takes it wrong. Than you should just not have her a friend. Well it really is your choice or decision to make.

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  • You should be direct with her and tell her how you feel about is. "Look, you're a good friend and all but I really don't appreciate you cheating on your fiance. I really don't like cheaters and I always tell you to end things with guys who you fling with but you keep finding a new guy even though you have a fiance. i can't help you if you don't help yourself. I feel like I can't be friends with someone like this and I apologize. You should really see what you want before you go breaking your fiance's heart." something like that. I rather want a friend who is direct with me than a friend who distanced herself without saying anything.

    It's up to you if you want to tell her fiance. Lots of people try to avoid it because it's not their business and it would bring drama. If you do want to tell him then you should warn her? "If you don't stop then I think I will have to tell him. no one deserves to be cheated on."

    Good luck though!

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  • I do greatly think you should find time to talk to her

    Let her know you need to tell her something very helpful and significant and because you want to be an open person and friend to her and share a personal talk

    You should somehow find time to have a personal talk with your friend, and you should open up about what you think must be shared, but in a way you are telling her in a pleasant way for her to see your side

    Take time to talk about it let your approach make her realise and not aggravate

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  • I'd try and get in touch with the fiancé and tell him anonymously

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    • No, it's better to have sex with her fiancee without telling her

  • Yes dump that hoe

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  • It is true, she can be a good friend but a horrible fiancé/girfriend and even though she won't rub those bad habits off of you, you're allowed to not want to be friends anymore, how can you proceed in a friendship with something you're so against, its not like you're a vegetarian and she's a carnivore, she's literally doing something so hurtful and deceitful, truly is a reflection of her.

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  • Honestly I would leave her. Especially if she keeps fucking coming to me for advices and don't even listen or give 2 shits about them. I like to surround myself with good people. And if some 'friend' knows they're doing something wrong and still continue on that road, then I'm fucking out, of course il try
    try to help them 1st, I'll always try to save them from themselves, but if they don't want to respect me or my opinions, then there's not much I can do, I don't think my being with them is beneficial to either of us.

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  • I would tell her that is she having the "stress/cold feet" moment because she is getting married? Some people do cheat when they are engaged. NOT THAT IT IS RIGHT!!! If you feel like she is not going to stop I would tell her to stop it STOP IT NOW! She is obviously still uneasy about the whole thing. Other than cheating of course you should always consult the finance and say that you might want to call it off or something. After you know that she is in a somewhat of a good place. I would stop hanging out with her. If she keeps on coming to you constantly about the advice keep on saying that "I have no clue I am not in your position you are the one who is in this situation I can not help." I would keep saying that meaning in different ways and always slowly ease your way from her.

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    • she's been cheating way before the engagement

    • Hmmm. I don't really know what to say about that. Maybe she is feeling like she needs a backup in case something falls through. My opinion that means that she isn't 100% on getting married. I have heard that people that have being cheating on there husband or wife usually turn out to actually marry the person who they had been cheating with. This has happened to someone I know:/ if she actually does feel guilty, I guess I would try to help her with her struggle as a friend. If she keeps going back constantly then I would kind of drift away from her.

  • I don't think so, cheating is such a dealbreaker for some people. Tell her you hate that she's cheating so you gonna stop seeing her and if she keeps doing it, either tell her to come clean with him or you'll tell him. That's what i would do if i were you, i felt sorry for him and mad at her so how can i keep hanging with her when she is cheating which you can't stand

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  • you need to find some glorious way to get her caught out.
    Then you should stop being her friend.

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  • Yes, you should. It won't be a real friendship for you, you two have different moral values, it won't work.
    Tell her the truth, yes she'll feel hurt but it's best.
    I was once in the same situation. My best friend who was married (still is) with 2 small children at that time, kept hooking up with our mutual guy friends. Tried to hook up with my boyfriend (a mutual friend), we broke up for other reasons, and every guy that I liked, she'd try to or would have sex with. Then she accused me of having sex with her husband!, which wasn't true. I broke our friendship off, couldn't be friends with her. Now roughly 12 years later she's on drugs, heroin and meth and has count them 7 kids aging from 16 to 4, is in jail too.

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    • ... Wow, good thing you broke your frienship with her. I kinda feel bad for her kids and her husband tho

    • @Shimy I know I do too, especially for her kids. It's sad to see her go down like that.

  • Look, not everyone is going to be a boy/girlscout through every moment of their lives. Everyone goes through shitty phases and if you really were her friend, you would be there for her, but also be honest. Tell her you don't like at all what she is doing and should stop. Explain your reasons and tell her she should stop doing that to her fiance.

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  • I get what you're saying, I would tell her straight up would you like your boyfriend/fiance cheating behind your back? Clearly you're not ready to be in a relationship nor are you ready to get married but you don't want to listen to my advice yet you keep asking. After that I would honestly just let her do her own thing, sometimes the only way a person will see the big picture is when they asses get burnt themselves cause Karma popped up on their door step. Plus she just some random girl at work, not a real true friend you get down with out side of work, so I wouldn't even mess with it girl. Maybe its a good thing to not want to be friends with her cause you see how she's a little low down and not a trustworthy person. If she can go behind her fiance's back then whats to say she won't do that to a friend? Who knows.. its up to you if you want to stick around her or not.

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  • If you're really her friend then this wouldn't be somethling you'd questions.

    Friends are suppose to be part advisor and therapist when times come for it. Your friend comes to you will a problem and if you have advice, you give it. If they don't listen and are doing something wrong, it'll eventually blow up in their face. That's when you comfort them, make sure they see what they did wrong, and help them learn from the mistake.

    It would be one thing if she was treating you badly, but since she has been a good friend to you, you owe her to be a good friend back. Good friends help friends through problems, even when they fall, and help them improve themselves.

    I've seen so many people in my life let go of others they called friends or said were important to them over the most trivial and simple things. They talked like there was no other option and get upset when in reality they threw that relationship in a quick and blind fashion. They blame the other person and be hurt for a while and make something that was once treasured to them in varying degrees, into a tainted memory.

    Sometimes it was just the one person while in others, both could have done something but chose to through it all a way and be sad.

    Do what you want, but I've seen this all before and the usual choice makes no sense to me.

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  • Tell her fiance and im guessing they have been together for a couple years if its a long distance relationship so it would be better to let him cut his losses and she must not like him more than this new guy if she's still messing around

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  • I don't think it's a bad idea. We should surround ourselves with people who meet our own morals and are the kind of people we strive to be in our own lives.

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  • Yes u should drop her as a friend and not have that behavior rubbing against u to turn in to the person. My advice would be let her work out her problem and if she and her fiance break up it her problem not yours and it's not like u can always help her all the time with the same situation again and again.

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  • You don't have to be someone's friend if you feel uncomfortable with the way they live their life.

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  • No it is not wrong because you want and need a friend that does not do that and also she needs to listen to your advice no one wants someone that cheats on them... Honestly to her fiance needs to know what is going on still cuz if he does not know it I will cuz stuff to happen not good stuff.

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  • No, it isn't wrong. From a moral standpoint hers do not mesh with yours any longer; she made that decision by the way.

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  • I feel so bad for her fiance :( it isn't wrong at all, you should just tell her if she doesn't tell her partner that she's cheating on him, then you will. He deserves to know

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    • I do too. He has reached out to me too. He's been cheated on before and he could tell she was pulling away.

  • I don't know... yes. Cheaters suck. But I feel like this isn't going to end well and she might need someone when everything crumbles. If it bothers you to the point you don't like her as a person then yes, but if you like everything else about her... see it through and be there for her when she realizes how much she's fucking/fucked up.

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