Is it wrong to drop my friend because she's cheating on her fiance?

I'm becoming really good friends with this girl at work. But the more I get to know her the more I don't like how she handles relationships. She is a great friend but a shitty gf/fiance.

She and her fiance are in a long distance relationship. She met the new guys and they started their fling about a year ago. After the first time, she told her fiance (then boyfriend) that she cheated. It was a big deal, they worked through it. My friend was supposed to end things but she kept messing with the guy. Now the new guy doesn't want her and she was depressed. Now she's messing with a new guy she has feelings for.

She keeps coming to me for advice and I tell her to break up with the fiance, let him live his life. She doesn't want to do that. I don't want to be around her because I hate cheating/cheaters. They aren't shit. But I feel conflicted because she is my friend and has been a good friend. But she's doing fucked up things!

Should I make this decision based on my morals and how I feel about her decisions?


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Most Helpful Guy

  • I think you're conflicted because you're confusing two issues. She's her own person and you wish she would do things your way. You feel you are encouraging cheating by being friends with her, which is very untrue. Sure cheating is not great, but it often is a symptom of a greater problem, and not the problem itself. You mentioned that she's a good friend. Has she done anything intentionally to harm you? Has she intentionally harmed others? Those are the important questions. She confessed her cheating, so already that's a good sign. Remember that people evolve. So her behaviour might not be the same her whole life. Despite your differences, do you think you can be there for her in times of need? She seems confused and unhappy, and I think she really needs a friend. Like someone else mentioned, she needs a friend for therapy.
    I used to hate the idea of cheating, but as I grow older I realize that life is more complex than that. Ultimately the decision is yours. There is no right or wrong, only the path you choose to take.

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    • She confessed to cheating a year ago. She continued to cheat with the same guy. The guy has moved on and she's found a new guy. She won't break up with the fiance though.

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    • yes. It's wrong and selfish. It reminds me of how someone treated me

    • Does your friend know what you went through? There's a way of saying things without it sounding accusatory though. Sometimes that might create insight. And it could (maybe) change behaviours.

Most Helpful Girl

  • No it's not wrong to drop her. She knows what she's doing is wrong and comes to you for affirmation. She asks your advice and doesn't listen. Those are not good characteristics in a friend. If she can sit here and lie to her fiancé and keep this from him... she will screw you over as a friend. She is going to destroy the guy she is with and she seems to be okay with that. That's selfish. She's not ready for marriage. She needs to get her life in order and stop being inconsiderate of others.

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    • This deserves so many likes.

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    • And that's why I say, stick to your guns. Don't endorse what she's doing whenever she asks and eventually she'll stop coming to you on her own, or she'll realize that she screwed up and get her life in order. It's sad to say it, but if she doesn't change, then eventually you probably will.

    • Even more reason to drop her. That's all she wants you to do is agree with her and validate her wrong-doing. Maybe she trusts you and that's why she keeps coming back. She has to want to change herself. She sounds like the type of girl that just likes the idea of marriage. I'll say it again... she is going to destroy that poor guy and anyone else that comes into her life. Look at you... torn and you shouldn't be feeling like this. She's just going to find another friend to do this to. She doesn't care. It's going to take something really shitty to happen to her in order for her to stop. She apologized to him and kept on... she don't mean that. It was just words. I hope he wises up and realizing she's not the one. She needs to have her heart broken. Hate to say that but she will never learn.

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What Guys Said 193

  • Well, long distance relationships are a complicated thing. But the paradigm still stands, if you have a partner and there is a certain amount of devotion going on, it is morally wrong to cheat on him/her.

    So much for that, as to whether you should keep her as a friend. Well, if the only interaction going on is you being an advisor and a dustbin for emotions, then yes. Because this is toxic and one gets tired of it at one point, furthermore it may actually start getting you down and ultimately exhausting you, because you're the one actually making most of the effort (all she does is come and dump her problems onto you).

    If, however, you actually have a productive friendship, you enjoy your other conversations with her (of which there should be plenty) you probably shouldn't leave her behind, rather talk with her about the fact that you really can't give her any more advice on that matter and that you've done all that you can on your part. If she's a friend, a good one, she should understand and shouldn't be too defensive about it. Also, if her moral lowpoints do not affect you personally, don't take them as yours, don't let them get you down, because it really isn't that much your business.

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    • Woopsie. If you're a dustbin, then you should dump her*

  • Can you be a good example to her, try to influence her in the right direction, and be confident that she will not influence you in the wrong direction?

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    • I'm confident I won't be that way.

    • There is much to be said for trying to live your life as an example to others!

  • You already know what the right answer is. You've said it in your question.

    What you are really doing is looking for a way to rationalize your avoidance of having the awkward conversation of explaining why you aren't going to be friends with her anymore.

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  • Have you told her it is a bad thing she is doing and needs to stop? Good friends let each other know when they are exhibiting bad behavior. Don't let that behavior continue without warning her.

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    • I have, many times. But there are so many excuses.
      "I need sex."
      "Toys aren't the same."
      "I'm confused."
      "My fiance won't let me go if I try to break up with him"

  • Don't get involved, and you should probably not make her a close friend if you have a pb with her behavior. I personally don't understand why she wants to get married to someone she obviously doesn't love. She should see a shrink before breaking other people's heart and life.

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  • Let her handle her relationship business as long as she doesn't drag you into the drama. 70% of marriages experience one or the other partner engaging in an affair. It's not uncommon. If you judge your friends by this standard you are going to be very lonely.

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    • Do you think that it being common means it's acceptable?

    • I think it's a fact of life. My opinion as to if it is right or wrong has no bearing on the statistical likelihood that 7 out of 10 marriages experience extra marital relationships.

      To answer your question in one word. No.

  • One, tell her that she is putting you in a difficult position. Two, explain to her your thoughts and feelings on this. Three , also bring up the fact this subject isn't exactly workplace safe. Fourth, if they aren't going to listen, why keep helping them?

    Also because I have been cheated on, I would tell her fiancé.

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  • Not wrong at all. Part of the reason friendships exists is that you share certain values. If your friend over night became a racist or as you say is now cheating on her fiancee that is a pretty major character flaw.

    That mark of disloyalty is representative of how loyal she'd be to you. Integrity is like a tree. You grow the roots over time. She doesn't appear to have those roots.

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  • Apparently she is not ready for marriage... I would at least tell her she has to break off the marriage proposal until she is ready to truly commit to her fiancee...

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    • She told me she was committed to him.

      She was telling me how the guy she's messing with is mad because his girlfriend is cheating on him. I asked her how can he be mad when he's doing the same thing. She said (her exact words) "Well she's texting and messaging all these guys and going to see them. He's committed to her, he just has someone on the side. It's how I am with (finace)."

      I told her that wasn't commitment and she changed the subject.

    • lol, wow, I couldn't have said it any better... You rock !

  • That's not really any of your concern unless her man confronts you and ask. It's at that point where you need to pull out your morals and tell him the truth and what you know.

    After all, if your fiancé was doing that and his friend knew about it. You would appreciate it if he told you the truth when you asked him

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  • If she is cheating with her finance you should definitely tell him so he can handle it and get it over with! I would greatly appreciate that! Please tell him! I would drop her to, she has issues.

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  • Tell her you're not going to give her any advice, but what she's doing is wrong, and if she ends up losing her boyfriend or messing things up, you won't feel any sympathy for her. Tell her to keep you out of her relationship business, you don't want to know about it or have anything to do with it. She doesn't sound like a worthy friend if you ask me. If she can treat her relationships like that then it says a lot about her. Probably the kind of friend you only want to know on the surface.

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  • Let her live her life! How dare you shame her for acting the way she wants even if its not the way her fiance wants her to be, both he and you aren't understanding that she shouldn't be judged.

    Just kidding, drop the ho. Im suprised she tells you these things. No morals and no shame, what the hell is going on with the world.

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  • Yes you should drop her...

    "One bad sheep can poison the flock"

    Tell the fiancé if possible..
    This guy deserves to know.
    Please.

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    • That's dumb it's that girls life. Trump cheated on his wife he still has friends

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    • Someone's dick or pussy none of your business because at the end of the day the body doesn't effect you

    • @livelove143
      At it's core, the basic fact is still the same. I don't condone cheating from anyone, and I wouldn't tolerate that shit in my friends' circle.

  • There is no shame in not being friends with someone based on difference in your moral values. People don't agree on some things but truth be told the decision is yours. You might also look at it as you choosing to surround yourself with people who are loyal. That is your moral belief and it's important to you. But only you can make that choice.

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  • I don't think you should abandon her. Try to steer her in the right direction. When you talk to her try to make her feel very comfortable with you. Once you earn her trust you'll stand a better chance at changing her mindset about cheating. It's like steel or iron you have to get it really hot and soft before you can start molding it into what you want. I hope that wasn't a strange analogy.

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  • A friend advises what's wrong and right. Friendships aren't governed by wrong decisions. If all friends give up on friendships , based on wrong choices taken by friends, there won't be any thing called friends left. It would be a random person every few days or months, cos to err is human.

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  • Are you a judge? Are you the police? There relationship shouldn't really be your problem to be honest.

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    • I am a person with integrity and I like people who have integrity as well. Their relationship isn't my problem. But I am concerned about morals of someone who wishes to be my friend.

  • Something tells me she's done more than this to even warrant the question.

    Yeah, kick her away. She's a cancer who will drag you down.

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  • Your friend has to grow a spine and break up with her fiance. It's not fair on him and because it's a distance relationship with him it makes it easier for her to cheat. She is cheating because she is not satisfied with what she's got.

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  • Im not one to vote for abandoning morals but who cares what she does. How is ditching a friend going to change her decision making skills?

    If you really want her to stop cheating on her fiancé then tell her fiancé whats going on. you'll still lose a friend though.

    If you want to keep your friend then mind your business and tell your friend that you dont want to hear about her boy problems that she makes for herself. And if she keeps bringing it up then keep telling her and change the subject.

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  • Kinda i think cause you knew your friend before her fiance right? Stick with your friend have her back not his, maybe there is a reason

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    • I got to know her after they got together

  • Advice her with words of truth and wisdom and she will drop you instead. The word of God (The Bible) is the word of truth and wisdom, many hate the truth so they hate the Bible because it is against their point of view (how they were brainwashed by the society).

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  • No! Drop her and tell her fiance. Or sabotage or something without telling her it was you. No one, regardless of who it is or how much you like them should marry someone who cheats on them. I would personally be mortified and feel awful if I ever ended up in that situation. Dump her as a friend

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  • I understand your discomfort with her cheating. Why don't you talk to her about it? I can certainly understand you thinking that if she would screw over her fiance that she's probably do it to anyone else, too.

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  • Everyone is immoral in some way. I've learned to just change my definition of friend and roll with that. No use sweating the inevitable.

    But you do you. To me, she just sounds like an overly emotional dimwit with daddy issues

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  • This post makes me realize how fucking stupid women can me its just a disgrace to humanity to do these type of things. Sure let me just get a new guy and not let my fiance live his life. Stupid fucking women. This is why I generally never want to get married or have any relationship with a girl that I barely know about. Take my advice and just advise her to stop. If she refuses just drop her and find a way to tell the fiance the truth.

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  • You should what you feel is right, you say you hate them but yet are friends, first you need to make up your mind about the subject. Unfortunately most people cheat, on her case she miss having someone close by, to hold and charish her, her fiancé can't do that perhaps it's his fault for being away to long, but maybe hrs doing to give them a better life in any case, you need to decide what's more important to you

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  • I think you should tell her fiance. It's fucked up to let him marry someone who he doesn't know is having sex with other guys

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  • you should tell her this, the uncomfortable that is for you, and you don't want to know about it for a while... let her alone for a while, but tell her, to be honest is always the best decision. hope this can help

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What Girls Said 81

  • I wouldn't associate myself with someone who does something like that, especially when it's clearly a behavior that she repeats and refuses to change (the right thing she should do is break up with her partner, because he doesn't deserve this treatment). People are saying that you shouldn't break things off with her because she's never done anything to you *personally*. I think that's absolute bullshit. That's like being friends with a bully and justifying it by saying "well, they've never bullied ME..."
    She has clearly shown that she's not a person worth trusting, she's selfish and only thinks of what's most comfortable for her. Those character traits can easily bleed into your friendship in many ways.
    No, it's not your job to be her therapist. It's true that friends can help each other through bad times but this gal seems pretty messed up, to the point where she'd be better off talking to a professional. As of right now it seems like you're just a bucket that she can wring all her dirty water into, without taking your help or advice into consideration at all. People on here are telling you to help her, but it's pretty clear she doesn't even want your help. She just wants to vent to you to get it off her mind, probably because she knows that what she's doing is fucked up and if she kept all of this to herself, she would implode.
    My advice is to tell her that you're not interested in this drama anymore since she won't even listen to what you have to say. Plus she's reminding you of something bad you've gone through yourself. Whether that will end your friendship or not I don't know, but a small improvement would be for her to realize that what she's doing is wrong, OR she'll stop using you as a bucket her for dirty water.

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    • Like 90% of the people who go on and on about how bad cheating is ARE cheaters in secret who get off on looking better than others. I've seen it. Not saying you are but that's why my tude is pfffft. And no, I've never cheated.

  • I have ended a couple friendships with girlfriends who were cheating on their partners, the way I see it is if they're going to cheat on the person they're supposed to love more than anyone then they would have no issue stabbing you in the back.

    Stop being he friend, she doesn't values relationships.

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  • I would probably straight up tell her you don't want to hear anymore about it, that the behaviour is starting to affect the way you see and feel about her and if it continues to be in your face you'd prefer to not be friends anymore.

    It puts the responsibility of her behaviour back on her, and the future of your friendship. You're honouring your feelings by being honest and making your feelings known without being judgmental of her choices

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  • I feel so bad for her fiance :( it isn't wrong at all, you should just tell her if she doesn't tell her partner that she's cheating on him, then you will. He deserves to know

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    • I do too. He has reached out to me too. He's been cheated on before and he could tell she was pulling away.

  • I don't think so, cheating is such a dealbreaker for some people. Tell her you hate that she's cheating so you gonna stop seeing her and if she keeps doing it, either tell her to come clean with him or you'll tell him. That's what i would do if i were you, i felt sorry for him and mad at her so how can i keep hanging with her when she is cheating which you can't stand

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  • You have the right to drop whatever friend you want for any reason.
    And just think about this, if this is how she treats her own fiancé how was she going to treat somebody thats her "friend"?
    Just something to think about

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  • Look, not everyone is going to be a boy/girlscout through every moment of their lives. Everyone goes through shitty phases and if you really were her friend, you would be there for her, but also be honest. Tell her you don't like at all what she is doing and should stop. Explain your reasons and tell her she should stop doing that to her fiance.

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  • No it's not wrong.

    Why don't you open your eyes and realize that you're friend is just using you... looking for validation for her shitty behavior

    How has no one pointed this out?

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  • If you're really her friend then this wouldn't be somethling you'd questions.

    Friends are suppose to be part advisor and therapist when times come for it. Your friend comes to you will a problem and if you have advice, you give it. If they don't listen and are doing something wrong, it'll eventually blow up in their face. That's when you comfort them, make sure they see what they did wrong, and help them learn from the mistake.

    It would be one thing if she was treating you badly, but since she has been a good friend to you, you owe her to be a good friend back. Good friends help friends through problems, even when they fall, and help them improve themselves.

    I've seen so many people in my life let go of others they called friends or said were important to them over the most trivial and simple things. They talked like there was no other option and get upset when in reality they threw that relationship in a quick and blind fashion. They blame the other person and be hurt for a while and make something that was once treasured to them in varying degrees, into a tainted memory.

    Sometimes it was just the one person while in others, both could have done something but chose to through it all a way and be sad.

    Do what you want, but I've seen this all before and the usual choice makes no sense to me.

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  • It is true, she can be a good friend but a horrible fiancé/girfriend and even though she won't rub those bad habits off of you, you're allowed to not want to be friends anymore, how can you proceed in a friendship with something you're so against, its not like you're a vegetarian and she's a carnivore, she's literally doing something so hurtful and deceitful, truly is a reflection of her.

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  • you need to find some glorious way to get her caught out.
    Then you should stop being her friend.

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  • It would be wrong to de friend her for that reason. She sounds like she has psychological relationship reasons. For that until she gets help. You don't have to hang out with her. If she takes it wrong. Than you should just not have her a friend. Well it really is your choice or decision to make.

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  • That's horrible. What your friend is doing that is. I would have done the same thing in your situation.

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  • Tell her fiance and im guessing they have been together for a couple years if its a long distance relationship so it would be better to let him cut his losses and she must not like him more than this new guy if she's still messing around

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  • Your friend has shit values. I would not want to be friends with her either, regardless of how nice she is to *me*.

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  • Eh.. tell her to stop talking to you about it... I have a friend that is a constant side piece, another who is always talking to someone else when she gets mad at her bf🙄 eventually friends figure out where your boundaries are. Just tell her you won't help her fuck other people over.

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  • Yes u should drop her as a friend and not have that behavior rubbing against u to turn in to the person. My advice would be let her work out her problem and if she and her fiance break up it her problem not yours and it's not like u can always help her all the time with the same situation again and again.

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  • No it is not wrong because you want and need a friend that does not do that and also she needs to listen to your advice no one wants someone that cheats on them... Honestly to her fiance needs to know what is going on still cuz if he does not know it I will cuz stuff to happen not good stuff.

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  • I don't know... yes. Cheaters suck. But I feel like this isn't going to end well and she might need someone when everything crumbles. If it bothers you to the point you don't like her as a person then yes, but if you like everything else about her... see it through and be there for her when she realizes how much she's fucking/fucked up.

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  • I'd try and get in touch with the fiancé and tell him anonymously

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    • No, it's better to have sex with her fiancee without telling her

  • I personally would. I'm very picky when it comes to who I like to spend my time with. Cheating is a reflection on someone's character. I'd choose to not spend time around a person who doesn't value her relationships.

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  • you get associated with your friends. and you start to think the things they do is acceptable. i also thought its okay its got nothing to do with me. but it affected me in the long run. as i grew i got a whole new friend circle cause its asif my eyes opened up to certain people

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  • I would tell her that is she having the "stress/cold feet" moment because she is getting married? Some people do cheat when they are engaged. NOT THAT IT IS RIGHT!!! If you feel like she is not going to stop I would tell her to stop it STOP IT NOW! She is obviously still uneasy about the whole thing. Other than cheating of course you should always consult the finance and say that you might want to call it off or something. After you know that she is in a somewhat of a good place. I would stop hanging out with her. If she keeps on coming to you constantly about the advice keep on saying that "I have no clue I am not in your position you are the one who is in this situation I can not help." I would keep saying that meaning in different ways and always slowly ease your way from her.

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    • she's been cheating way before the engagement

    • Hmmm. I don't really know what to say about that. Maybe she is feeling like she needs a backup in case something falls through. My opinion that means that she isn't 100% on getting married. I have heard that people that have being cheating on there husband or wife usually turn out to actually marry the person who they had been cheating with. This has happened to someone I know:/ if she actually does feel guilty, I guess I would try to help her with her struggle as a friend. If she keeps going back constantly then I would kind of drift away from her.

  • I don't think it's a bad idea. We should surround ourselves with people who meet our own morals and are the kind of people we strive to be in our own lives.

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  • I dropped my niec. She's 18 and I'm 23 ... Because I was with the guy she's dating first and I know he's one of those stupid nice guys. The reason I dropped her is because she thinks I still want him but I don't, I feel like she's such a fake bitch she played him with over 20 guys in this 2 years they been dating! I wanna tell him so bad but her Grandmother (my dad's sister) hates me and protects her slutty little granddaughter like she's shit! She'll probably blow my brains out blah

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  • Personally I'd just tell her straight that I don't want to hear about it anymore as you can't condone her behaviors. I mean you said yourself she's a good friend. So to cut her out over something you don't have to be involved with is wrong

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  • If she won't heed your advice and her attitude conflicts with your morals, you have an obligation to yourself to remove yourself from that negative situation. I wouldn't be able to be be friends with a cheater who refused to change.

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  • If she is a shitting girlfriend, she will be a shitty friend.

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  • I don't think so if you've tried to talk some understanding into her and she still doesn't think its wrong then I would too. I couldn't just sit there and act like everything is okay that's weird to me

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  • No, it isn't wrong. From a moral standpoint hers do not mesh with yours any longer; she made that decision by the way.

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