Is it okay for a boyfriend to spank your child?

I have a 3 year old little boy who I have never spanked much less popped, his entire life. My boyfriend, who I've been with for 6 months got upset with him because he threw his food on the ground and he spanked him on the butt with a belt 3 times. I flipped out. I almost broke a bottle to his face. I don't even touch my child, what makes him think that is okay. When I calmed down, we talked about it and he said that since we are together that it's his job to "discipline" my son. I'm this close >< to leaving him. I'm just not okay with anybody hitting my baby.

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  • Noq
    Vote B
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What Guys Said 43

  • A parent should never discipline his child out of anger.

    Discipline should come from the child's parents because only they're able to have that loving connection with the child.

    Another person will just simply lack the kind of remorse and love towards hitting a child because it's not theirs.

    He's fucking 3 years old, 'disciplining' requires understanding.

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  • Spanking a three year old with a belt is not okay. At that age it makes no difference whether it's your hand or something else. That being said, that doesn't mean every instance of using a belt is intrinsically worse - it is entirely possible to do it lighter than than a regular spanking.

    I also think you should be absolutely explicit with him about your desires. He screwed big time. Not only was it over the top but it was without your permission. But he only did it once. He was probably treated that way as a kid and he thought it was normal. If he agrees to not do that anymore than I don't see any issue. But you need to be very clear and very, VERY stern. If you've explicitly told him that his behavior was unacceptable then he has no excuse whatsoever to ever do that again.

    In sum, be forgiving, but strict. If he promises to never do that again then you can carry on and chalk it up as a serious mistake - which it was. But if he does it again then you need to draw the line and not back down

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  • Leave the guy quick, this is only the beginning, depending on what state you live, what he did is considered child abuse. You don't want CPS involved in a case you are a victim and then everything could down spiral from there, considering you are not an able parent and may take away your kid. If you are divorced you may be familiar with parenting courses, if you are just a single mom then take one of those courses, they are pretty good, $19.00 online. First thing it says is that you should not introduce your dates to your kids until you are absolutely sure they are good people. I would say at least of a year relationship.

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  • He should defer to you on child discipline because he's not the child's parent, could face legal problems for using a belt (and you could lose custody if this is a repeated problem), and doesn't have a close enough relationship to the child to be disciplining him like that.
    Talk to him and make it clear that you alone will discipline your child.

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  • He's very much in the wrong. I may have been spanked a couple times as a child but only for serious things, but I was mostly disciplined through the action of my stuff being taken away such as my game boy, tv, and even books. thankfully that was rare.
    My point is that physical discipline is never the right or best option of discipline. You must teach that there are consequences, but those consequences should not be tied to physical pain. It can lead to strong mental and emotional effects that can influence the character of a child long term

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  • No thats not okay at all. He has no right disciplining YOUR child in such a harsh way especially since he's only been with you 6 months.

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  • A belt on a 3 year old? That's going over board. If I was there I would knock him out. I don't believe in spanking children.

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  • You should leave him and hitting the bastaed with a bottle wouldn't have been a bad idea

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  • leave the abusive fuck, 6 months and do this to your kid... sounds like a possible wifebeater over time also

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  • I voted yes it's ok to spank the child. But it is never ok to use a belt. And the spank should be with a firm hand and more to show that what he did was wrong. It shouldn't leave marks or even be red. I understand a mother wanting to keep her child safe from harm. I truly do. But I have known families who never truly disciplined their children. From the age of 3 to the age of 15. I was there. At age 10. He would climb off the bed and literally barely hit his elbow on a table and would cry as if he had broken the thing in 5 places. He didn't know how to defend himself from bullies at school bc he was scared of them every time they would flinch at him. I'm not advocating that strict discipline is a good thing. I'm just saying that if you don't teach your child from an early age that pain is a part of life and that it needs to be overcome. If not only to defend himself but it will also help with emotional pain in the future. Like his first break up or if he loses someone he cares about. Pain is apart of life and if he is not subjected to it at a young age when doing something wrong then it will affect him his whole life. So by not disciplining and protecting your child. Your taking from him his first line of defense when he is older and no longer has a mother to protect him from every boo-boo and painful moment. Teach them young with a firm hand. But also care for them after to show you live them. When they get older... they will understand.

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  • It's abuse, so no.

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  • Next he'll be slapping you when you do something he doesn't like. If hitting someone is how he "disciplines", then leave his child abusing ass.
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ONNRfflggBg

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  • No, it's not right to spank a child , just makes them worst.
    Your boyfriend has no rights to laying a hand on him that's
    just totally wrong.

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  • no especially without your permission even more so with a belt

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  • Not okay at all. It's not his kid and disciplining him is not his job. Alsp hitting a kid with a belt is not longer spanking. That's beating. Dump his ass

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  • You don't hit a 3 year old with a belt. Drop this guy and run away like your head was on fire and the lake was a mile away.

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  • All I have to say is that just because it was with a belt, is very ambiguous, you can hit with a belt or a hand very lightly, or extremely hard. And in the context you put we cannot tell if if was "dicipline" or "abuse" because yes your son is 3 and has some temperament issues but to put in relation my son's cousin only gets threats of dicipline, and is very selfish, rude, etc etc. My son on the other hand, he is almost three as well, and he actually listens (as well as a three year old can anyways). But just because I spank my son doesn't mean I give him a whalloping, no. If it's something he has continued to do even though I know he understands that I said to stop (playing with the gate blocking the stairs for example) i would hit a little harder then I did the prior time, but most of the time it's a lot lighter then most people high five each other.

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  • Whatever happens you set the rules on how things go with your child and your boyfriend should comply.

    Naturally in a normal world women shouldn't date men who they actually need to watch for stuff they might do that is unacceptable like this, but most women hate nice guys so you'll have to deal with it.

    You should break up with a guy who has clearly demanded full authority on all decision making. That line he said "since we are together that it's his job to "discipline" my son" basically is him saying he owns you and him and you must comply with whatever he wants.

    You should dump his ass, but unfortinately the next guy will probably be the same or worse. Women hate guys who are not idiots like your boyfriend.

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    • 5d

      Or, you know, she might actually not want to date another guy who abuses her child. That's always a possibility.

    • Show All
    • 4d

      Some people don't act out until they're in a situation that triggers it

    • 4d

      @samhradh_leannan It's very rare but that does happen. Most of the time it's easy to read what a person would be like in a relationship based on their personality.
      Example: Women who complain that guys all cheat but they only date guys who scream at tvs watching sports at a bar.

  • Get a better boyfriend - throwing food onto the floor is what 3 year olds do.

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  • If you're relationship has only been going for six months, then yeah he shouldn't. Plus using a belt on a three-year-old is too much. Even my father who was very strict never used a belt. Even before my step-dad and mother were married he started doing punishment related things after four years of them in a relationship and he only took stuff away from such TV, Playstation, etc.

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  • No. It is not the non parents job to punish the kids, that is the job of the biological parents.

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  • To everyone who is so "outraged" by spanking is the reason we have self-entitled pieces of shit who think they are actually in charge instead of their parents now don't get my wrong a belt or any kind of weapon should never be used but as far as spanking with a hand to discipline that's exactly what it is discipline which is used to raise normal productive members of society stop trying to be your kids friends and actually act like parents

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  • Your boyfriend has serious issues

    You son is three and spanking is a sexual act. Holy shit

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  • Ditch that guy. A fucking belt? Uh no way.

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  • Get rid of him. He git serious issues.

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  • Call the police on him. That's child abuse

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  • Yes.

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  • Depending on the country you live in this is illegal and you can spend some time in jail for spanking a child. Report him to the police if your country has such laws.

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  • No..

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  • Dont let him do that again.
    And be your sons best friend so that he feels free to tell you everything

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What Girls Said 33

  • That is downright scary, and I would see it as a very serious red flag. I am against physical punishments for children in the first place (kudos for avoiding them), but it was especially inappropriate that he did this to YOUR child, without running it by you first. He is not his father and you have only been together for a few months. It was not his place to decide how to discipline him. Not only that but he used a belt, on a kid that is only three years old. I would consider this to be child abuse, nothing less. He WAY overstepped the line.

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    • 5d

      He has shown a tendency towards physical abuse and unnecessary violence. I would strongly urge you to leave him, both for your own safety and that of your child. You might even consider reporting his behavior to authorities.

  • Absolutely not, unless you two are ready to become Mr. and Mrs. in my opinion. Would he want a babysitter whipping his child? Would he let his friends whip his child? Would he let just anybody who got annoyed w/ his child, smack it around? No? Then he needs to stfu. Being in that position of disciplining and nurturing a world view in a child is the responsibility of solid parent figures (that may also include grandparents) and it takes a certain level of trust from the child in order for it to not be traumatizing. Not to mention, your son is only 3, the fact that some rando he's only known for a handful of months has whooped him has probably shaken him up. Your boyfriend was only trying to relieve his frustration by beating your son. You shouldn't leave your son alone with him and if I were you that wouldn't be able to trust his temper. He sounds overly violent and impulsive.

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  • It is SO NOT OK. I am completly against spanking, I think it's barbaric. Now, doing it to a baby with a *belt* is wrong in so many levels. He is way out of line. Just because he is your boyfriend doesn't give him any right or say in how you raise your kid, much less if you have only been seeing each other for 6 months. This guy is going to be hitting you in no time and call it his duty, because you are *his* to discipline. Kick him to the curve, girl. He is no good news and you need to protect yourself and your baby. There's no need to give it much thought, it's a pretty straightfoward situation. You and your baby desserve WAY better.

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  • If you don't spank your kid yourself and didn't allowed him to do so no it's not ok. There are plenty of other ways to discipline a baby.

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  • FUCK NO!!! Leave him!!! Hell if I would EVER let anyone touch my child! He needs to GOOOO!!! Now! He has no right to touch your child. If you stay you are putting your son in danger. What's more important you or your son?

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  • He's not the child's biological father and he should have never layed a finger on that child kids do the damndest thing and for him to throw food on the floor he's 3 come on now he needs to go 6 months is nothing honey and his way of discipline is old school but still wrong a kid will have accidents just because food was spilt on the floor doesn't mean that it's ok to beat that child with a belt it's traumatizing and will put fear into your child

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  • No, that's not okay.

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  • You should leave him, he's violent. Spanking a child is ok as long as it's your own. He have no right on your child at all and even worse to do it with a belt, this is just straight up abuse.

    I've been spanked a lot when I was a kids but only by my parent and only with their hand never a belt.

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  • I'm not saying Yes or No on this one. The child does need to be disciplined or he will grow up to be an unlovable turd who only his mother will love. But a belt on a 3 year old is too much. He went overboard. You two need to discuss this, set limits, decide on what is acceptable, work through it. You need to be a parent, not a friend. You can be his friend later in life.
    I have a cousin who has never been disciplined and she is a little monster, nobody loves her.

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  • No, you discipline your own child, he could tell you if your kid do something wrong but never raise his hand.

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  • That is not okay, at all.

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  • It's not okay for him to discipline your son until there is a ring on your finger and you have discussed it.

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  • If youd disciplened your son from the start , he would not be throwing his food on the ground and your boyfriend would not have to do this. What the fuck u gonna do when his 15 and throwing stuff on the ground? If u dont do something about your little boys manners he is going to end up a brat. Dont think he will change with age , it will get worse if u dont do something about it

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  • No no!

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  • My step dad hits me too and my mom fights with him. so I don't think its right for him to hit your son

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  • No way!

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  • No its not ok, this is your child and if your child needs to be disciplined then you discipline the kid

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  • Leave him. He clearly won't make a good father.

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  • it is not ok

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  • No it should be up to the mom what happens

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  • I smell a future wife beater

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  • You should leave him and call the cops

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  • Hell no honestly this is a no brainer he has no right to be touching your kid

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  • Absolutely not.

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  • No he will be a horrible stepdad. by the way it's YOUR job to discipline your bastard.

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  • I'm surprised you haven't left him already. I would be straight out that door.

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  • No but I also wouldn't move some guy in and leave him unattended with my child when I've only known him 6 months. Did you know the risk of molestation and abuse is much greater when a live in boyfriend or step parent is in the home?

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  • No way!!! I would be pissed and probably reconsider being with him if he touched my kid. If we were married or if we lived together, we would also have to have a talk about discipline before he ever ever intervened. Also, 6 monthes is nothing. He should have never spanked him.

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  • my parents hit me and i dont like that so i could inagine how ur baby feels... leave him

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  • This conversation was left unmentioned for far too long at 6 months, so it's hard to say you're both not at fault for the one time incident and misunderstanding...
    But then again, taking the decision into his own hands with that type of discipline was not necessarily a good thing either...
    At least now the discussion has been opened up, and if you can't find compromise for child rearing decisions then it may be necessary to see other people.

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