He knows he has major depression and mild bpd, but aside from taking his meds, I don't see him taking any active steps. I understand I can't get him to take active steps, but whenever I try to bring this up, he always plays the victim card. Like this:
"I always try my best to make her happy, but every girl I've been with stabs me in the back; all her friends tell her that I'm abusive and my ex goes out of her way to tell my new girlfriend that I was manipulative."
I really want to say "yes, you are manipulative, but I understand why you're doing it. I want to help" but he plays the victim card so often that I don't know how to help. Saying that would just make him chuck his victim cards at me. I feel like I'm walking on a tightrope trying to help him.
I know he's toxic, but I'm not caught up in the flame. He hasn't impacted me negatively, but I do see why others would see the opposite.
I'm the only friend he has left, and if he loses me, he has no one to go to. I've been suicidally depressed and I know how much having just one loyal friend can really help. I want to be that loyal friend. He was my "sensei" in high school, so we do have a good past together. I know many of you will be saying something along the lines of "stop helping him, you can't change his mind by yourself", and I know that. I still want to help him; he's my friend. Friends in need are friends indeed.
Most Helpful Guy
You have a gift of empathy, that's a special gift to foster! Thanks for being a good guy, most people don't have your patience and concern. There are downsides to your gift that you must learn to manage, as I did.
Your friend took some impactful traumas in early life, and he is now acting out of those wounds. Thats how humans work and that is humanity in general... trauma instead of love. To help him will require getting him to recognize the patterns and see the value in revisiting those traumas to heal them. A counselor (which I'm not... yet) or help him to see how his blind spots are impacting him. The problem is drugs are a crutch and holding him in place, and it can take many years of painful mistakes to get someone to budge.
If you told me even 15 years ago I had traumas in life, I'd be like... what? Now I know better we are, perspective on the world, what is going on. It's a flawed world that is not of pure love, and we are very fragile emotionally. I had them, so does he... and they are in control even though the heart yearns for love, it's emotional distortion that is in charge with our core nature of love working through it. The good news is that "love" is working, the bad news, is there needs some wounds healed, development and training to get him on a better path. And that may be true for you as well given what you said about depression.
Attributes Noted: "Clingy, got engaged so wouldn't lose a girl, manipulative, fear of rejection and separation. "
The mating hormones have kicked in on a person whose emotionally doesn't trust... he feels abandonded. That wound likely traces back to 0-2yrs age, and I can only guess more ontop after that. This guy is poison to girls in that he is functioning out of "needy love". He likely is attractive in stature and personality, but the girls pick up on his sub emotional tones, and run. The girls want a strong, stable, masculine guy to mate with. This guy is probably in great physical condition, but emotionally, he's hurt, he needs to be loved which is the opposite of giving love, ... not ready to handle the girls emotional swings, handle the challenges offspring. Girls are smart emotionally, they pick up on this and it doesn't feel good... and they bail.
So he has wounds from childhood, possibly with mom rejecting... losing his mom, not getting the love from her he needed. Guesses, but it's something like that.
What to do... he needs a counselor, maybe you can help dislodge him to explore his own recovery. A person has to want it, can't force it. See the Johari Window... we have blind spots... people dont' want to change and can't see their stuff. So it helps to have encouragement, love to progress.
With guys, much easier to put a toy in their hands as they are more comfortable, or do something together (maybe get him in arm bar... joking), and ask him about his earliest child memories of that time. That will expose the real issue. Then he needs to progress to resolve those wounds so they are love and not trauma. That to me means God/love/Jesus. Maybe there are other techniques, but that is the path I see making sense.
Most Helpful Girl
You had to leave him alone and let him figure out his own life. Is that means you got to disconnect from him, then you got to do what you got to do for what's best for your health. The problem is that you can't really judge him because you both have problems. And you both need to be seeing a counselor in a professional to get your life in order. You cannot help him with his problems. The promises that he has psychological issues, is taking medication he should not be even dating in the first place. Because not going to 10 times, everything that you are experiencing his exes are experiencing when he's dating them. You're not dating him, so you don't know how he is in a relationship. This is why I always want people if you know that they are not psychologically fit for a relationship do not date them I don't care how bad you feel for them, I don't care how sorry you say you are for them. Sympathy and pity is not going to help him. He has to make the choice to change or something to stay by himself until he gets to a place where he needs to be at in life. Because at the end of the day it's making you sick.
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