Do you think you have had people who hated you?
Yeah -- definitely. I am sort of obnoxious sometimes. I had this one colleague long ago who hated me so badly. She had a personal grudge of a sort that outweighed every civil attempt I made to propose a neutral sort of scientific and data-oriented way to do things -- showing for sure with the most irrefutable evidence that one way is better than another without resorting to any insults (and I wasn't trying to one-up her -- I wanted to brainstorm and get excited together with her). But I could feel so strongly that she really didn't like me. It might sound rude and crude but I pitied her -- she was like 60+ years old at the time and from a very different technological era than me and I was a new school type into data and evidence (though I still favor creativity and imagination and thinking out-of-the-box, but I need to see evidence that it actually works).
How did she let you know she hated you so much?
In spite of all her hatred towards me I want her to be happy, you know. I can't wish her bad things because I can imagine myself growing up like that, valuing certain skills, and being brutally left stranded by technological advancements. I don't see how I could hate her. I can't see how I can even hate serial killers. They seem like tormented people and very often childhoods of neglect and abuse. Who I am to judge them so harshly? I realize we need to lock those people away to protect society but I can't hate them.
>> How did she let you know she hated you so much?There was this one time where she had a meeting she drew up with my boss and our colleagues where she accused our code of being slow. We measured it all together and I showed that actually the bottleneck in our software was her own code. That upset her so badly that she cried and told the boss in front of me that they hired people like me off the street, that we don't belong in the company, and if he doesn't get rid of us then she'll sue them for questionable things our company did decades ago. My boss picked our side but I still felt bad for her in the end.
Wow, what a character. Glad you only felt sorry for her and you didn't even feel hurt by the attack.
She had been with the company for almost 40-years. I actually think she got a sort of dementia in the process sitting in front of computers for so long. I recognize it too -- I'm sorta getting that as I grow older. I hope it never gets that bad. I try to value at least measurements -- like profilers -- to objectively say what is causing problems in our products.
Did she sue the company? Or continue working with you?
Ok so you think her dementia made her accuse you? So she didn't do it on purpose?
She gave it up and never followed through with the threats but fortunately, she started working for a different and smaller company after that. I think she is more valuable in smaller and like-minded teams. She is actually really good at assembly code (very archaic practice) having grown up there. It is like her whole life revolved around her work -- that should be an ideal worker and I think she was in a way but not when it interferes with what everyone else is doing.
>> Ok so you think her dementia made her accuse you? So she didn't do it on purpose?I was just a convenient target. I was simultaneously both the youngest on the team and promoted to lead engineer for my work. I think she hated me in a way but I don't think the root source was towards me. I could see myself in her shoes and hating me the same way, you know. As I said before, I think these conflicts are "unfortunate".
The world is much more worth hating than any one person. I think people who latch onto one person are trying to find a target... because it's very miserable hating the whole world. It's easier to hate one person.
Yes, very unfortunate that she would target you but you seem to have a very understanding mindset.
That's a very interesting paradigm that I have never thought of.
Everyone has a mindset and their own experience as I see it. I can't live life in their shoes. I don't know how I'd be in them. So I can't stop, outside of any passionate anger, and judge. If I think I just come back to, "I don't know." I don't know like I don't know what the universe plans for me if the universe has plans. I used to think I was smart and all I realize as I grow older is that I really don't know. I don't know that and I don't know this. I really don't. And when it comes to other people, I especially don't know.
That's a good way of seeing life. There's a lot of, I don't know for me too. I don't know why people hate me too. I wish we could all just be friends and get along but I find that I have a very hard time making friends. I think I might have a personality that just makes people dislike me.
But really, I don't know. I seem to like you though. You seem like a decent guy. Very thoughtful. Very intelligent and interesting.
You can't hate what you don't think you know/understand. I never could hate people that way. I have a hard enough time understanding myself. The world is easier to understand in my opinion. How humans behave in groups is generally easier to understand than to understand them individually. You can rely on averages there of all sorts. So sometimes I hate society/the world because I think I understand it. But I can't hate a person because I don't think I understand them that well -- especially the ones prone towards hating me.
With your sister, maybe you can surprise her. You don't have work constraints to be predictable. However you surprise her, it will challenge her notions of you. Maybe she'll realize she doesn't know to judge and hate as I've come to realize about everybody.
I don't hate people either but if I feel like they hate me or are annoyed by me and would be happier if I were not around, I do distance myself from them. I also am afraid of getting close to people because I am afraid they will hate me if they got to know me. I try hard to join large organized groups to get involved in. It helps to get involve and support a cause rather than try to open up and get rejected or not know how to love others and get hated on.
To make it clear, I neither hate people or the world. I just hate feeling the hate of others.
Sometimes it helps to be bolder than safer. You show your true spirit. People can take it or leave it, and you might be surprised by how many people take it. Maybe you've never shown that enough to your sister... if you have then maybe it's irreconcilable.
Gentle/explosive empathetic type -- probably the most miserable life to live -- if that's you.
My sister hates me because she has a different personality than me. It's complicated but I love rules, plans, organization and authority. She hates that stuff. We just can't get along. Never really had in the past. It hurts a lot to have her hate me so much.
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Thanks, I would like a mho
Lol!!! We'll see if I get anything better