This is something that I have a very difficult time wrapping my mind around because for so many years, my ex and my family wanted my undivided attention before I moved to where I am now, it felt like I was suffocating and I couldn't breathe for so many years of my life. I finally got that break I needed my whole life, but there is something about being feeling left out that has an effect on me in a way I never thought possible. As an introvert, it makes it even harder for me to understand how this effects me. I pushed away so many guys who tried to get close to me, and I continue to push men away, they don't live anywhere near me, so that's probably why I do this, some of them I met in the past, others I met on a video call, and I have only one friend who is a woman, but she lives in my home state. I'm starting to think that I should probably give my mother the phone numbers of the people I live with, because even though she lives thousands of miles away from me, if I ever get abducted by a stranger, she is the only person who would notice that I have gone missing since I usually answer her call, and if I miss her call, I always call her back. It's like subconsciously, I have made it a habit to call her back on the same day I miss her call, and this is something that I have never done in the past, there were times when I didn't answer or call her back for months while I was with my ex. I guess I can say that, regardless of the dire conditions of my life with my ex, even though there were countless days where I wasn't safe with him, but I had him to protect me from those on the outside, it wasn't possible for me to be abducted by a stranger, because he kept me safe from everyone.
I feel like I would almost prefer to go back to the man who controlled me and every aspect of my life, who monitored my every move, rather than continuing to feel lonely and invisible in a way that I have never experienced before in my past. I hate this feeling that I feel.