Can a fake, liar (gossiper), two-faced and manipulative person change for the better?

Question

Those are the words my boyfriend described my mother as. It's for good reasons. Even though she's a normal, loving mother, she acted like that towards my boyfriend and others. He has negative memories of her and she's the major reason we once broke up long ago.

She claims that this pandemic, seeing more people dying, how a human's lifespan is short, her health deteriorating and her uncle's recent death is making her change and reconsider her ways. She's trying not to argue with others nor create drama. She wants me to inform my boyfriend that she has changed. She thinks that one day they can be friends.

Is this possible? Or is this another phony act? Can someone that was arrogant, fake (talk garbage behind your back to others) and toxic to you change for the better?

Yes

No

Select age and gender to cast your vote:

GirlGuy

Updates:

1 mo

She was still talking garbage about him just a couple months after I had a stomach surgery last year in March 2019. She was still holding grudges and acting fake with others last year too.

She claims this year is making her rethink her ways. The thing is she had made broken promises in the past, when we broke up and were friends, she was a fake friend to him for years (always referring to him as an idiot while talking to him nicely over the phone), etc.

Answer 1

charlean

Xper 4

I’m going to be honest, when I was around 14-15, I had acted like this but I realised I was being a cunt and that I didn’t want to be that person. It didn’t happen overnight and mistakes were made but now I’d say I’m defiantly not who I was and I’m friends with some of the people I acted toxic against previously.

But teen years are when we’re all changing and finding ourselves which is why I voted no because most of the time, people (especially older people like ur mum) don’t change.

Asker

1 mo
This basically. I might believe if a child or teen acted like that but not an older adult. She recently said that if my boyfriend comes to marry me (something we've talked about) and she sees how happy he makes me then she'll treat her as a son and adore him. She thinks we can really be friends one day.
Isn't it too late for that? She treated him like garbage for years and both issued an insincere apology once and faked a friendship for the longest. She never cared about his b-day either and suddenly wants to wish him a happy b-day this time. He has nothing to talk about with her.
Asker

1 mo
We were broken up for a long time before. She was the main factor behind our terrible break-up once, not even my father meddled like that nor treated him that way.
From 2008-2017, she faked that friendship. I don't think he would want a friendship at this point. In my family, he only likes 3 people: my grandma (mom's mother) who never gave him trouble, my brother who is innocent in all this and a bit my father who at least didn't do the things mom did.
charlean

1 mo
Yikes. I’d say she most likely hasn’t changed so don’t expect anything different than what’s she’s shown you but that doesn’t mean completely right it off, since she is your mum, it’s not like you’re going to full on kick her out your life, so it does give her room to try prove herself that she’s changed when the opportunity arises
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Asker

1 mo
yeah I won't kick her out but will establish boundaries and that means her not to get too friendly with him either. That's gonna make him feel uncomfortable and think she's looking for something in return.
I think a good start with her could be writing a simple ''happy b-day'' on dec 28. He accepts whoever writes on his b-day. I think she would have to start all over from small if she wants a better relationship with him and realize he'll only be cordial. She ruined it for good. He'll never feel comfortable with her.
charlean

1 mo
Good luck!

Answer 2

Asker

This basically. I might believe if a child or teen acted like that but not an older adult. She recently said that if my boyfriend comes to marry me (something we've talked about) and she sees how happy he makes me then she'll treat her as a son and adore him. She thinks we can really be friends one day.
Isn't it too late for that? She treated him like garbage for years and both issued an insincere apology once and faked a friendship for the longest. She never cared about his b-day either and suddenly wants to wish him a happy b-day this time. He has nothing to talk about with her.

Answer 3

Asker

We were broken up for a long time before. She was the main factor behind our terrible break-up once, not even my father meddled like that nor treated him that way.
From 2008-2017, she faked that friendship. I don't think he would want a friendship at this point. In my family, he only likes 3 people: my grandma (mom's mother) who never gave him trouble, my brother who is innocent in all this and a bit my father who at least didn't do the things mom did.

Answer 4

charlean

Yikes. I’d say she most likely hasn’t changed so don’t expect anything different than what’s she’s shown you but that doesn’t mean completely right it off, since she is your mum, it’s not like you’re going to full on kick her out your life, so it does give her room to try prove herself that she’s changed when the opportunity arises

Answer 5

Asker

yeah I won't kick her out but will establish boundaries and that means her not to get too friendly with him either. That's gonna make him feel uncomfortable and think she's looking for something in return.
I think a good start with her could be writing a simple ''happy b-day'' on dec 28. He accepts whoever writes on his b-day. I think she would have to start all over from small if she wants a better relationship with him and realize he'll only be cordial. She ruined it for good. He'll never feel comfortable with her.

Answer 6

charlean

Good luck!

Answer 7

ColHathi | 98 opinions shared on Family & Friends topic.

Yoda

I mean I think it's possible, but it also doesn't sound like she necessarily understands what she's doing wrong, other than it causing them to get into fights.

ColHathi

1 mo
You wanna know if she's better? Ask her to explain why what she's doing is fucked up.
Asker

1 mo
True. It just sounds like she wants to be a better person because life is short and the pandemic but like you stated doesn't understand how hurtful her behavior was towards my boyfriend and others. Even though my boyfriend forgave by now, he never received real closure from her. That fake apology from several years ago doesn't count at all because it was an ''I'm sorry IF I hurt you. I'm a tough mother (then more excuses)''. At the time he felt that wasn't an apology but an insult. He said that even her tone of voice sounded insincere and that no where in her apology, she acknowledged her mistake nor took responsibility for it.
Asker

1 mo
Years later what ended up happening is she did the same exact thing she ''apologized'' for. That's what happens when an apology or reconciliation is insincere. It repeats itself again. My boyfriend then was like ''The truth comes out sooner or later when something isn't done nor said from the heart''.
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ColHathi

1 mo
Yeah :/ My grandmother has similar tendencies, so I know what you mean.
Asker

1 mo
The issue is that if she doesn't know nor understand how wrong her actions were back then... that means there is no real improvement at all.
ColHathi

1 mo
Exactly :/ Though I suppose you can always hope that she'll hold back a bit, if nothing else.

Answer 8

ColHathi

You wanna know if she's better? Ask her to explain why what she's doing is fucked up.

Answer 9

Asker

True. It just sounds like she wants to be a better person because life is short and the pandemic but like you stated doesn't understand how hurtful her behavior was towards my boyfriend and others. Even though my boyfriend forgave by now, he never received real closure from her. That fake apology from several years ago doesn't count at all because it was an ''I'm sorry IF I hurt you. I'm a tough mother (then more excuses)''. At the time he felt that wasn't an apology but an insult. He said that even her tone of voice sounded insincere and that no where in her apology, she acknowledged her mistake nor took responsibility for it.

Answer 10

Asker

Years later what ended up happening is she did the same exact thing she ''apologized'' for. That's what happens when an apology or reconciliation is insincere. It repeats itself again. My boyfriend then was like ''The truth comes out sooner or later when something isn't done nor said from the heart''.

Answer 11

ColHathi

Yeah :/ My grandmother has similar tendencies, so I know what you mean.

Answer 12

Asker

The issue is that if she doesn't know nor understand how wrong her actions were back then... that means there is no real improvement at all.

Answer 13

ColHathi

Exactly :/ Though I suppose you can always hope that she'll hold back a bit, if nothing else.

Answer 14

Dave31989

Yoda

nope

Asker

1 mo
I guess not. My boyfriend never received real closure from her about the way she treated him in the past. The only apology he got once started with an I'm sorry IF I hurt you and an elaborated speech full of excuses.
She wants to change because life is short, she's having health issues and this pandemic. She keeps saying she doesn't want to argue anymore but doesn't understand how her behavior hurt my boyfriend and others.
Asker

1 mo
If there is no understanding nor recognition that you were wrong and what you did wrong then there is no real change I guess.

Answer 15

Asker

I guess not. My boyfriend never received real closure from her about the way she treated him in the past. The only apology he got once started with an I'm sorry IF I hurt you and an elaborated speech full of excuses.
She wants to change because life is short, she's having health issues and this pandemic. She keeps saying she doesn't want to argue anymore but doesn't understand how her behavior hurt my boyfriend and others.

Answer 16

Asker

If there is no understanding nor recognition that you were wrong and what you did wrong then there is no real change I guess.

Can a fake, liar (gossiper), two-faced and manipulative person change for the better?

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